Sunday, January 18, 2004

Been at home the whole weekend... I'm going back there in awhile just wanted to post something before i do...
really been a hectic challenging week. I really this coming lunar new year will be a fresh start for me. Mum's been nagging the whole day. Somehow i feel responsible cause i'm the older sis and all but somehow i can do nothing bout it cause i'm not able to control the actions of my bros and sis. If there is something i can do about it i donno how cause i'm still trying to help myself find my way back. A few hours ago my mum asked me if i know what depression feels like. Boy how i wish i could answer my mum that and say i know. I know my mum is going through so much if i have the power i want to take the pain away from her but i cant and i feel so helpless about it...
I've been thinking and its funny how my friends know more bout me than my mum. I never reallly confided in her cause i don t wanna be a burden to her. You may say its nonsense cause she's my mum and i should talk to her more and share more of my life with her... but thing is i dont know where to start. I dont want her to look at me differently. I know she trust me enough to do what i want to do and thats enough for me... for now...
You know why i bottle a lot of things inside me? Cause i've no avenue to express it to. Then why in the world do i have a blog then? Why in the world do i have friends? Haha.. yea i'm kind of stupid cause i dont make full use of my resources. Cause part of me is afraid what ppl might think and say... wherelse i shouldnt care about what ppl might think and say... Yea i'm a pretty messed up person arent i?
Sometimes i feel like i need a guide. Someone who can guide me when i'm lost, when i need a listening ear. I know my friends can do that but i need someone who i can truly trust in, who dont judge me and will accept me for who i am cause half of the time i'm always wearing a mask. I need someone who sees me wearing the mask and understands. Who is able to know what i feel and think without me saying. Is there such a person in this world? Cause if there is i need him more than ever right now...

||:PreCiouS:||
1/18/2004 07:59:00 PM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.