Sunday, February 29, 2004
Almost 20 and never been attached
quite an accomplishment i say
i guess its better this way
i realised i've been selfish
for wanting ppl to love me back
when i cant give them forever
cause i dont have forever to give
i know my time is limited here
and yet i feel like i've so much to give
but i dont wanna be a hindrence
i dont wanna be a burden
might as well just be single
and stay out of ppl's lives
so when whatever happens
i wont be a nuisance
i wont make em' feel useless
cause i'll feel damn guilty
cause they have their lives to lead
damn i hate this feeling of being lonely
but then i can do nothing about it
well contradiction to what i've just said
i just want someone who'll love me back for me...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/29/2004 03:17:00 AM
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warm shower run down my skin
it sooths
it revives
feels as tho it's washing away the pain
washing away the problems
washing away the tears
letting go
ridding myself of the bad
wash away the thoughts inside
never wanting to step out
its been so cold these past few days
letting the warmth wash over
to feel warm and good again
in a way
a subsitute of a hug
to feel safe
to feel loved
to feel whole
for now a warm shower will do i suppose...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/29/2004 12:34:00 AM
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Saturday, February 28, 2004
A love quiz...
1. The road represents your attitude towards falling in love.
You chose the short road--you fall in love quickly and easily.
2. The number of red roses represents how much you give in a
relationship, while the number of white represents what you
expect in return.
You give 90% and expect 10% in return.
3. This question represents your attitude towards handling
relationship problems.
You asked the family member to get your significant other--you
like to avoid problems and hope that they will solve themselves.
4. The placement of the roses determines how much you like to see
your boy/girlfriend.
You want to place the roses on the bed--you like to see him/her
a lot.
5. This represents your attitude towards his/her personality.
You prefer the person to be asleep--you love the person as the
way s/he is.
6. The road to home tells how long you stay in love with someone.
You chose the longer road--you will tend to stay in love for
a long time.
||:PreCiouS:||
2/28/2004 08:28:00 PM
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she takes each day as it comes
the day draws nearer and nearer
even tho she doesnt say it
fear instills inside her
her face remains calm
she chose to stay strong
i'm proud of her
but i fear for her
tears run down my face
hidden as i turn away my face
i've been thru it before
and i dont want her to go thru it now
why not let it be just me
leave them out of this pain
i cant seem to stop this worry
trying to hold back tears
in order for her to not worry
sometimes i wish i could take away the pain
take away the suffering
just let me bear all of it
god please spare them away from it
let them live a normal life
at least when i cant they can
we've been through so much
i dont think she can take another blow
i wish deep down that i can do more
try even harder
to make everything alright
to end this bad bout
i'm at a road block
time may be running out
but time is all i have
to turn all this right again...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/28/2004 07:18:00 PM
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the brain churning
too much
too saturated
losing grip
need to stop
need to slow down
demons within
too much fighting
swords clashing
heart accelerating
yearning of the lost
yearning of what not
the world spinning
need to keep moving
unattainable quest
decisions made in haste
an outlet is sought
mulitple ones found
too confusing
a permanent one havent been found
a need to run
run away and not look back
a coward's way out
the life can certainly do without
regrets are felt
alas we cant change the past
the heavens open up
moisture soothing the torment soul
the feeling of peace overcomes
it may be for awhiile
for the feeling is precious
even for a moment
a moment of peace
a moment of solitude
before everything comes back in a rush...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/28/2004 06:49:00 PM
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Love is when you are able to let go
Love is making them happy no matter what
Love is swallowing your pride
Love is being content on what you have
There is so many definition to love
Ultinately... love is sacrifice...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/28/2004 06:10:00 PM
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When A Woman Loves A Man
When the stars are in her eyes
And the sun is in her smile
The only moment in a life
That happens the same time
Is when a woman loves a man
She'll be a mother and a child
Sacrifice her days and nights
And no other will exsist
She'll put her life in every kiss
When a woman loves a man
And you'll be amazed at when you're stumbling
She'll fight for you
And won't let you give in
She'll do all that she can
When a woman loves a man
A soothing breeze always blows
Somebody understands another soul
It's like the planets have aligned
Every sentence has a rhyme
When a woman loves a man
Oh, you'll be amazed how when
You're needing it
She'll fight for you
From the begining to the end
And she'll do all that she can
When a woman loves a man
It's the greatest gift of all
Knowing tht unconditionally
She'll catch you when you fall
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oooohh, yeah
When a woman loves a man
When the stars are in her eyes
And the sun is in her smile
She'll be a mother and a child
But all at the same time
When a woman loves a man
She'll be your air,
She'll bring you life
She'll make me sacrifice
When a woman loves a man
||:PreCiouS:||
2/28/2004 12:55:00 AM
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Friday, February 27, 2004
his head's spinning
too many thoughts running
constant worry etched in his head
responsiblities he has to take
a weight he has to carry
to not let another worry
tiring it may be
a duty that has to be done
A structure he's built
for him to stay strong
it may be puzzling to some
but it has to be done
a girl standing there
with open arms
waiting
patiently
to listen
to offer comfort
to be an outlet
but he doesnt see her
maybe he does
he's not sure
afraid of what ifs
consequences that he might have to take
Turning away was an option
unknown to him
the girl is hurting
she understands
but shes still staying put
hoping
calmly waiting
useless as it may seem
she still stands there waiting...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/27/2004 11:32:00 AM
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When i was young
fairy tales intrigued me
Characters facinate me
tales of once upon a time
happy endings
and ever after
a world of beauty and grace
when good triumph over evil
when ladies found their prince charming
you could say my heads were in the clouds
hoping that someday it will happen to me
Idlle thinking on my part
as reality seared thru the clouds into my heart
i understood that it was all fiction
but then wouldnt there be truth in it somewhere
dont writers get their ideas from somewhere
A famous line snow white once said
Someday my prince will come
and come he did
well it always happen in fairy tales
would it ever happen to me?
i wonder...
Love always find a way in the end
A lesson behind every story
fairy tales are good in a way
it teaches us abt life
about repercussions and how there are justice in life
but then we ask ourselves
why do we still believe in it
when it is not always true...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/27/2004 03:07:00 AM
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An apology from the heart...
I've been blind
my words have not been kind
emotions clouded my judgement
i should have known better
i was selfish
i was stupid
i was wrong
i saw you as person
but i forgot about the situation
i feel so guilty
i hope you could at least forgive me
Words fail me to go on
but i think i've made my point
The best i can give you rite now
is an apology rite from the heart...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/27/2004 02:39:00 AM
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Thursday, February 26, 2004
forgot to mention... i got my laptop back! yay! finally! was seriously getting fed up with the comps i was using keep getting disconnected frm the net at unappropriate times =)
Oh and a shout out to all peepz getting their 'O' level results tomorrow... all the best!
||:PreCiouS:||
2/26/2004 09:03:00 PM
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Your silence
hurts me more than you know
it just makes me feel low
i've been patient but i'm running out of time
just wanting to know u better is that a crime?
i guess its never meant to be
stuff like this will never happen to me
just idle thinking on my part
dear god could you stop playing with my heart?
yes i've tried to forget you
to not think of you
to move on
to be free of you
i know i'll get there
just gimme time
and i'll be fine
Your silence
is like a pierce thru the heart
its been hurtin rite from the start
what have i done that was so wrong?
this cant keep going on
cant we just move along?
i guess it was just meant to be
i wish you could just stop hating me
why do like hurtin me so much?
dear god could you stop playing with my heart?
yes i've tried to forget you
to not think of you
to move on
to be free of you
i know i'll get there
just gimme time
and i'll be fine...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/26/2004 02:31:00 AM
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Wednesday, February 25, 2004
Have been going out with my sis this past two days. Decided to spend some qualty time with her. Went to watch a movie, went shopping and ate out... havent done tat with her ifor quite some time already... She'll be admitted to NUH this Sunday and her OP is on monday. I pray that she'll be safe. She's goint thru wat i had gone thru 6 years ago. Between the both of us i've always been the stronger one but i hope as she goes thru this she'll become much much stronger and i hope that she can still keep her spirits up.
Cant believe its wednesday already. TIme flies so fast and term break is gonna be over soon.
I'm missing my photography sessions. I used to bring along my mum's digital camera everwhere i go and taking photos of sceneries that catches my eye... havent been doing that in awhile. I miss doing that. Maybe i should take time off one of these days and just do that... first must check my schedule... ok unless RQ ends early on friday and there's nothing after that i can actually do that... yay! *fingers crossed* (i'm being extra hopeful here hehe...)
**************************
some of my fave photos taken by moi....
||:PreCiouS:||
2/25/2004 10:46:00 PM
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How does a person be true to oneself?
By not changing due to peer pressure?
By sticking to his values?
By not compromising his integrity?
How does a person knows that he is being himself?
By acting the same way all the time infront of ppl?
By being loud and crazy all the time? or
By being quiet and withdrawn all the time?
Why compromise who you are bcos of wat ppl think of you?
Why lose yourself and view the world in another's perspective cause you want to be part of em'?
Why judge ppl when you yourself dont want to be judged?
Why place ego as a shield cause you're afraid of getting hurt?
Why?
||:PreCiouS:||
2/25/2004 09:58:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
You are a true nature girl!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
||:PreCiouS:||
2/24/2004 02:55:00 PM
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Monday, February 23, 2004
I'm letting go....
i think its finally time i realize it...
i look back at my life and i think its not my time yet...
There's a saying that goes...
god answer prayers in three ways...
He says YES and gives you what you want,
HE says NO and gives you something better
He says WAIT and gives you the best in his own time...
Reflecting back i guess i have to agree with that
There's so much that i wanted previously but got something else instead
and overtime that something else actually means a lot and i believe in god actually gave me something better but i'll only realize it later...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/23/2004 09:54:00 AM
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Sunday, February 22, 2004
The Vertical Marathon was today! yups! suppose to participate but then was lacking of team members thus i didnt climb today... Really have to thank god for that actually wasnt really feeling well... haiz... well anyway really really proud of all those who went up today. really salute them!
After that spent the whole day with mei. We ended up at changi airport to eat and then we just spent the afternoon just talking. Felt good just to talk.
Anyway as i was on my way back i felt this pain in my heart. Scared me for a bit there. It hasnt happen in a long time but then that surge came. Then was reading my e-mails from my yahoo groups and there was an e-mail abt this woman who is the founding member of the Marfan Network Japan whose sudden death
was caused by the dissection of the aorta. Found unconscious on a chair on the platform of a subway station, she was taken to the hospital by ambulance, but too late. Kiez i got really scared. Seriously. When i felt that pain in my chest i was in the train. It could have happened to me. I donno. Sometimes i'm really scared. My dad passed away because of his aorta too. i donno. i think it may happen to me too... I always thank god for giving me time in this life, to feel, to live, to hope, to dream... but sometimes i feel i'm missing out on stuff... it makes me think how life is short. How precious life is. But i can never change fate. All i can do is take each day at a time. Appreciating every breath i take, feeling alive...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/22/2004 08:55:00 PM
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Friday, February 20, 2004
Why do we do the things we do?
Why do we do the things we do when ppl dont seem to appreciate it?
Why do we do the things we do when all we get is shit?
Why do we do the things we do when it just brings us down?
Why do we do the things we do when we get nothing in return?
My two cents worth is... we do the things we do cause we have passion for it. We believe in the things we do. We believe in making a difference. Yes maybe what we do is not being appreciated by all but still we continue doing it. Hoping that it'll be better the next time. Hoping. Just hoping. Yes indeed hope is a denial of reality but then the presence of hope will always be there to drive us, to make us continue doing things that shld be done, cause with no hope all is lost.
We have our reasons for choosing to do what we do. For me it has never left me. For that reason drives me. It drives me to move on, to do what i do. Sometimes when it gets too much we question ourselves why we continue doing it? Deep down we know why but then doubt clouds it. Its important that we never lose sight of what you set out to do cause no one will believe in us if we dont believe in what we're doing in the first place.
~*A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune.*~
||:PreCiouS:||
2/20/2004 04:41:00 PM
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yesterday was a good day! Had a huge lunch at Seoul Garden and we surprised Mel with a birthday cake! Was he surprised! wahaha... played some arcade games after tat... gotta confess i'm addicted to shooting games especially Out of Time 2... i wanna play some more! (k azi control yourself, you're broke, do more useful stuff like planning for the camp) Well after tat we went to watch Gothika! yay! have to say the storyline is common but the plot is great. (note to self: next time when watching a thriller watch with ppl who dont giggle in the middle of the movie.) No offence guys, but really, i get irritated easily when i'm into a movie and there's distractions... reason why i prefer watching a movie solo... sometimes... we ended the day by going to the playground... well by tat time i was kinda worn out.. mainly cause i havent exactly slept for 2 days! argh! yes well anyway... nad and mel was playing at the swings and kay was resting at our usual hideout and i ended up walking ard the park. I felt like walking and walking and never stop. The air was cool, and the wind was breezing, it felt good. I didnt want to stop... felt like i was walking away from something... i didnt want to stop... but i did in the end cause it got dark... i got all quiet at the end of the day... really sorry bout tat guys...
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away
sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something I've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run
but now I truly realise
some people don't wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don't wanna live my life too many sleepless nights
||:PreCiouS:||
2/20/2004 04:15:00 PM
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an insight to me... wat do u guys think? any true parts tat u see?
Sagittarius
As a future-oriented Sagittarius, the ninth sign of the zodiac, you are considered the most prophetic of the signs because you have the urge to understand the meaning of life. Also the most mobile sign of the zodiac, you explore beyond physical and mental boundaries, and thrive on freedom and liberty.
Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion, is the ruler of Sagittarius, and brings optimism and joy to life. Jupiter is also associated with a person's spiritual beliefs and philosophic standards.
Sagittarius is the third fire sign. This fiery influence is like a candle in the dark, lighting the way to knowledge and wisdom. You walk through life high-spirited and openhearted, always seeking the truth. You are farsighted and goal-directed and are gifted in grasping general principles.
Sagittarius rules the ninth house of the chart, the section associated with the exploration of the intellectual mind or the physical world. Therefore, this house stands for religion, philosophy, higher education, as well as long journeys.
Sagittarius is a mutable sign, making you a communicator and teacher. Since you have the natural ability to gain profound insight into scientific and spiritual fields, you feel that it is your mission to contribute your knowledge on to the world.
One of your main strengths, dear Sag, is that you achieve your goals through the power of positive thinking. Your happy-go-lucky, future-oriented nature opens many doors for you. You are direct, honest, and jovial, which makes you a very humane and amiable friend, lover, and coworker.
Of course, you also have some weaknesses; due to your disposition, your head is often in the clouds, and you are oblivious to reality. You also run the risk of being hypocritical, and get so opinionated and dogmatic that you impose your "truth" upon others. You also don't tolerate any kind of restriction, and develop restlessness and unquenchable wanderlust.
||:PreCiouS:||
2/20/2004 01:27:00 PM
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Thursday, February 19, 2004
was reading mel's post on why is it when a girl and guy are good friends ppl will always assume they are a couple or a compatible couple. Its never wrong for a guy and girl to be very good and even close friends but there in this reality that we live in ppl are always opinionated that includes me.
I've been in a situation when i was called a bitch. yup. you didnt read wrongly. You see back in ITE i was quite close to the guys in my class cause i'll can always find something intelligent or crappy to talk about with them cause usually most of the girls will tend to gossip, talk abt guys (hello the does not revolve ard guys.. haiz), fashion or something that i'm totally clueless about (not that i dont talk abt girl stuff but when it gets too much already i'll get bored and then pissed off haha...) yes anyway... i guess because of this their girlfriends or crushes kinda dislike/hate me cause they think that i'm trying to steal their guy away from them... wahaha... man why in the world would i wanna do such a thing. seriously. One even when to the extent of calling me a bitch cause of this haha.. well we're good friends now cause we got to know each other better so all is well =) I'm still curious tho... how come when i'm not flirting ppl say i am... hmm... curious... not tat i flirt around cause i dont do that kinda thing... yes well anyway....
we can never control what ppl think and feel. As long as we know what we do is right it doesnt really matter what ppl think. God gave us brains to think for ourselves, to know whats right and whats wrong. Every action we take is our own choice. Dont let ppl make that choice for you.... am i making sense so far? well my conclusion is tt... if you know what you're doing is right dont take what ppl say to heart cause we live in a very opinonated world and we can never run away from it...
~ be yourself cause the ppl who mind don't matter and the ppl who matter don't mind ~
||:PreCiouS:||
2/19/2004 02:40:00 AM
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here i am suppose to be studyin for macroecons and i'm doing something else. Seriously i feel drained (argh not now!) I guess its because i didnt sleep at all yesterday! caught only a few winks in the morning before going to school.
MBS paper was... well... erm all i can say is i was goin wtf when i saw the questions. haha... sez a lot doesnt it. Really2 bad siah i'm seriously gonna flunk it. I kept staring at the question and yeah staring... Used some common sense here and there but donno if it made sense or not =P
Well lets not talk abt something tat is over shall we... yes... econs.. tomorrow... i hope i'll do way better then MBS... seriously keeping my fingers crossed that i wont get my info mixed up and forget all the formulas =)
Today was rather interesting in a way. After the paper me, nad, mel and kay went to grab lunch at kfc (funnie how we always end up at the same seat) yes well anyway kay had to go off after tat to send her dad of to KL and the rest of us met up with Mei cause i wanted to upgrade my phone and line and so did she so yea... i have a new phone! haha... we then went to the arcade to 'destress' and ok i'm a very bad daytona driver haha... i can only win when i'm playing on pc haiz... but i was better at the shooting games tho haha... and guess where me, mel and nad ended up in the end... In Sch! yup yup we ended uo in school to study for econs.
Now seriously i feel weak after a long day and lack of sleep... i need rest! but wait. i cant rite now. need to study econs. yes azi study! u need to study.... oh gawd talking to myself already... thank god tomorrow is the last paper or else i'm gonna drop dead veryvery soon.... =P
||:PreCiouS:||
2/19/2004 02:20:00 AM
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Tuesday, February 17, 2004
You know how a song keeps playing in your head.. well this Josh Groban song have been playing in my head for days now and i dont know why... not tt i'm complaining but its a nice song tho...
"When You Say You Love Me"
Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive
You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive
[bridge:]
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive
When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?
||:PreCiouS:||
2/17/2004 11:32:00 PM
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Monday, February 16, 2004
What happens when your head is overruling your heart?
They say in everything you do follow your heart but then practicality sets in, fear of consequences. Decisions are clouded by doubt. What do u do then? Who do u listen to? The heart or the head?
||:PreCiouS:||
2/16/2004 04:08:00 PM
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Sunday, February 15, 2004
As i ate my maggie noodles just now i began to reflect on my life for the past few days, mainly during open house. It was fun being an Iguide and all, well if you were guiding the friendly ppl =D well anyway on the last day of the Open House i was bringing this family around biz school cause they were only interested in the courses there. The mum was telling me about how she wants her daughter to choose the right course and not follow her peers and also about her other daughter who is not so good in her studies. When she found out that i was from an ITE before i came to poly she was relieved and saying thank god that she met me and that i gave her hope that her other daughter may continue her studies after ITE. The family kept thanking me profusely for bringing them around the school.
I was kinda overwhelmed by the whole thing. Here i was doing wat i normally do and to think somebody actually appreciates it whole heartedly makes me feel good, even tho for awhile. It also made me realize how clouded my mind has been. When i was in ITE, i came in with a goal. To excel in my studies and enter poly. That goal had never left me and now here i am studying in TP in law n mgmt. My first sem results was not that great. I realized my drive in ITE has not been here with me when i entered poly. I think now i'm gonna make a stand. I have to get my goals and priorities straight in order for me to go far. I need to do this for myself and also for my mum who has always been there for me.
Open House also made me realize something. Peeps come down to take a look at courses they have interest in. Just like i did when i was back in secondary school. Passion and interest makes a difference when you want to persue something. It drives you to do your best.
I've always had interest in photography and radio, well i still do... only that i've never had a chance to pursue it. I still hope to pursue it in the future. Its still hard to believe how i ended up in law. Life works funny sometimes. Its beginning to sink in that law is part of my life already and i believe i was put here for a reason, a reason i'm not sure yet. Everything i do revolves around it now. Surprisingly i have no qualms abt it and there's this part of me who wants to go on and pursue it.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
In everything we do there is always choices to be made. There is always consequences to every choice we make even if its good or bad. Risks are also part and parcels of life. If we dont take risks nothing will happen. It will just remain the way it is. Fear is always there as a stumbling block. Its our choice if we want it to consume us and hinder us from taking tat risk. In my heart i know this but then sometimes i'm letting fear linger in me. For instance i treasure my friendships too much to let anything jeapordize it which is why i dont take action even tho my heart tells me to do it... does this make me weak?
||:PreCiouS:||
2/15/2004 11:03:00 PM
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Did some quizzes cause my brain cldnt soak in anymore information... haha...
You are a Baroness!
Spirited, Captivating, Stunning!
You are a woman of worldly wisdom and experience. You are sensitive, protective (maybe even motherly), you are highly respected and praised. Your gentility and grace always shine through. You have a very beautiful moral nature that defines who you are. You are a woman others seek to befriend and they would never want to cross you.
Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
You are a Jungle Beauty!
You are strong - both physically, mentally, and
as a woman. You are very sensual and like
a panther - sleek, powerful, charged!
Which Woman of Beauty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.
What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
||:PreCiouS:||
2/15/2004 08:57:00 PM
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Saturday, February 14, 2004
Happy v-day to one and all!! Finally Open House is over! Time to start cramming the books! Tests are coming very fast and i have yet to get started....
So how was v-day for you guys? for me as you can see i'm at home typing away on my blog... tats says alot doesnt it? haha.. going back to you know where in bout 15 mins...
I found this quote as i was browsing through the net... thought i'll share it with you guys cause... hmm.. cause... well i agree with it personally...
"To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult;
our human loneliness is cause enough.
But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade
through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be."
-Anna Louise Strong
||:PreCiouS:||
2/14/2004 08:44:00 PM
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Friday, February 13, 2004
Okie second day of open house... i'll be reporting in a few minutes time but i just needed to stop and clear my thoughts first...
The first day of open house was pretty ok. Talked to a lot ppl. Funny i'm an i-guide suppose to bring ppl ard school but i always ended up at the law chatroom haha... prefer promoting law lah hehe... Had a hell of backache at the end of the day haiz...
Okie what do u do when everything seems wrong? I'm hurting rite now... my heart aches to see it happening this way. I know we cant control everything around us but i feel really really useless... i dont know what to do anymore... It is really frustrating for me. Sometimes i ask myself why do i always find myself in the middle. It happened when i was in ITE and it is happening again here in poly. I'm not really sure who i can really turn to now cause i dont know if ppl would understand what is really happening... Maybe i should push this to back of my mind for now... need to concentrate on other stuff...
Hmm.. tomorrow is V-day... the most over-rated day of the year.. haha...
dont think anything special will happen to me cause nothing ever does so i think i'll have a date with myself haha... not that its a bad thing but ya, its better then bumping into couples everywhere you turn...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/13/2004 12:02:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Tuesday...
so many things to do...
so little time...
bloddy ell' i wish that there could be more than 24hours and that i'm not so tired. I've got so much stuff to do and i'm worried that i cant meet the deadlines/expectations. Open House is in two days and mid sem tests are like next week. Need to find time to study. I'm so worried bout my MBS and Macroecons. Havent started studying yet and a lot of things nagging in my mind that needs to get done. I think i'm seriously on a verge of panicking... like i'm not already... i'm starting to talk to myself already... this is bad... really really bad...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/10/2004 02:28:00 PM
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Monday, February 09, 2004
ok i feel crappy. Looking back at my past postings, if i was not me and i'm reading this blog i'll be kinda upset. as a friend. I know my friends have done a lot for me and the thing i still go on about feeling alone and stuff. Sigh...
ok this goes out to all my friends....
Thank you for everything you guys have done for me. I've never questioned your friendships its just that the crazy feelings i get sometimes. Yoiur friendship means so much to me and without you guys i donno how i could have stayed strong. Silly me always feeling insecure =P haha...
"And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh, just to be with you
Is like having the best day of my life"
-Dido
||:PreCiouS:||
2/09/2004 09:51:00 AM
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Sunday, February 08, 2004
being friends with a lot of people...
having loads of family members...
being involved in a lot activities...
but...
feeling something's missing
feeling alone....
day in
day out
surrounded by people
rushing to meet deadlines
going for activities
yet...
its not fulfilling...
the soul is getting colder
the warmth lingers but is almost gone
a piece of the puzzle is missing
would it ever be found?
||:PreCiouS:||
2/08/2004 09:54:00 PM
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Saturday, February 07, 2004
Fallen
Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...
Fear
Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent unknowing
Winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear I have nothing to give
Wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
nothing yields to shelter it
from above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...
Time
Time here,
all but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company, but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.
And I need just a little more silence
And I need just a little more time
But you send your thieves to me
silently stalking me
Dragging me into your wall
Would you give me no choice in this?
I know you can't resist, trying reopen a sore
Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for
You see love-- a tight, thorny thread that you spin in a circle of gold
You have me to hold me
a token for all to see
captured to be yours alone
And I need just a little more silence,
and I just need a little more time
The courage to pull away
there will be hell to pay
the deeper you cut to the bone
Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for
Time here,
all but means nothing,
just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company,
but they don't ask of me
they don't say nothing at all.
Leave me be, I don't want to argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
If I agree, well, it's just to appease you
Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for
-Sarah McLachlan
||:PreCiouS:||
2/07/2004 03:18:00 PM
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Friday, February 06, 2004
 I am Justice
Justice is a signal to do what needs to be done. A time comes when responsibilities must be accepted, and accounts settled. The past will continue to haunt you if you do not recognize your mistakes and make amends for them. You will need to weigh matters carefully and perhaps make important decisions about your future course. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com
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What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.
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||:PreCiouS:||
2/06/2004 11:34:00 AM
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Thursday, February 05, 2004
Strong
That's always the feedback i always get from ppl about me, that i'm a strong person. Well that is after i tell them part of my life story... But then sometimes i dont think i am. Sometimes i feel that i could have done better. Sometimes i feel like my life could have been different. Sometimes i feel like running, running so far away from everything and never stop. How can i be strong when i can't help myself? Its a wonder that i have not collapsed or admitted into a mental institute. So much things running through my head all at once. I know there are people who are worse off than me. and it's my nature to help people who are in need but then sometimes i ask myself how can i help them if i can't help myself? How come i'm so good in helping people but not in helping myself?
It has been a long time since i had a good night's sleep. Everyday i dream. Most dreams that i have i'll always be running or sometimes it'll be about school or stuff that i don't understand. When i wake up i'll be tired. sigh... sometimes i wonder what is the use in sleeping in the first place.
I dont know why i'm troubling myself with this. I may seem happy and crazy on the outside which i know some ppl get irritated by it and i guess its a way for me to forget, to not think. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes. Why is there so much things that is troubling me when i shouldn't be troubled. I know i have friends who'll be there for me but i guess i'm stubborn. The thing is i always have this fear of betrayal. I've trusted so many ppl before and i end up broken. Maybe i'm not that good in my judgement in people. The thing is i'm very open with my life. Whatever ppl ask i'll answer but nowadays i've been filtering what i say to people cause i dont like to see what i see in their eyes.
Pity.
That is what i see in people's eyes sometimes and i hate it. Why that reaction when u dont feel sincere at all. Sometimes when ppl look at me that way i feel damn uncomfortable. I've always grew up wanting to feel normal. But then again i have to accept that i am not. Sometimes i feel like i'm a burden to ppl which is why i became independent... sometimes i feel that i'm too independent for my own good. I miss out on things that normal people go through... for example relationships. If you notice i'm never in one place. I may have my own group of friends but sometimes i'm there sometimes i'm not. Somebody once asked me if i had a close friend, and i said i didnt. In my heart that's how i really feel. Sometimes i feel left out from the group of people i'm with. I doubt my place. These are some of the reasons why i bottle up. Why i keep so much to myself. I know its time to stop doing that but then i ask myself why should i bother people with my troubles? Cause in the end they can't help me... i have to help myself.... i guess i get scared of commitments with people cause i'm afraid of losing them. Cause one by one the people i love or grown to love goes away.
Numb.
That's what i feel when i lose the person i love. That's how i feel when a person i've grown to love goes away.
Fear.
I have so much of that in me. of rejection. of unacceptance. losing my friendships. my family, losing more ppl i love. losing myself. losing everything.
but then we are but just a temporary figure in this world....
I dont know who actually reads my blog. Maybe your perception of me will change after you read this, maybe it wont... i dont really care what you may think... well actually i do... but then i'm too tired to care already...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/05/2004 06:51:00 PM
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Last night... well actually early this morning my computer went crazy on me. It had to do that when i'm doing my report. argh! This blue screen would flash saying error or something than it reboots itself. I've had to restart my comp for like 10 times and i finally gave up. Must be a bug that i didnt detect or something. Thinking of reformatting my hard drive but then i'm gonna lose all my documents and photos in my hard drive... argh! For now i'll leave my laptop dormant. So peeps who always see me online in the wee hours in the morning i don't think you'll see me online around that time anytime soon unless i'm using my comp at my family home...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/05/2004 03:28:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
i ran
i stumbled
i felled
gasping for air
i felt weak
my body aches
my bones creaks
my heart racing
i feel my tears falling
darkness consumes
i freeze
a girl
standing in front of the mirror
wondering what the reflections shows
images swirling
confusing
she screams
voices
echoing
silence
a women
standing
smiling
with open arms
beckoning
fading
darkness falls
consuming
i surrender
the floor cold as ice
i lay down
feeling the coldness on my cheeks
fatigue consumes me
strength begins to fade
hope seems dim
a light shines from above
dim at first
stronger it became
warmth spreads
thru my veins
thru my blood
a presence
inviting
my savior has come
i awaken...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/03/2004 12:49:00 AM
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Monday, February 02, 2004
Hot Cafe Mocha alwayz does the trick!
I've been getting recurring headaches lately especially on my left side. My only salve is a hot cup of cafe mocha and two tablets of panadol extra. I think its a sign. A sign for me to have an operation done on my left eye. I've been relying on my right eye too much tat its overworking my brain on my left side cause its trying too hard, thus the irritating headaches. Luckily i have my mocha to get me tru my days. Reminiscing my days in ITE, my friends used to call me a mocha/caffine addict, haha.. maybe i am. I dont drink coffee i seriously dislike the taste but i love mocha. dont ask me why, even the aunty at biz park's drink stall knows i like mocha haha... Mocha a blend of cocoa and coffee... lifts my spirits anytime, make me warm and fuzzy inside oh and gets rid of my headaches overtime... if mocha doesnt do the trick nothing will..
||:PreCiouS:||
2/02/2004 11:46:00 PM
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Sunday, February 01, 2004
Laughter is the best medicine
"And frame your mind to mirth and merriment, which bars a thousand harms and lengthens life."
-Shakesphere's Taming of the Shrew
And from Proverbs 17:22, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones."
These two examples says it themselves and i totally agree. See i've been acting crazy these few days. Always laughing and keeping myself amused. My brain have been processing a lot lately and i need an outlet. I dont want my brain to think abt stuff i should not be thinking about
So this is what happens to me lately, i hear about something that i should be angry about or maybe jealous or something definitly not pleased or happy about but instead of acting the way i should i laugh. It doesnt seem to sink in which in a way is good cause i'll be less stressed but in a way its bad cause i'm not accepting reality. so is what i'm doing good cause i seem to think so. It helps me put behind my troubles. yea so laughter is good... i think i should go catch a good comedy soon... oh but wait there's always american idol... haha...
||:PreCiouS:||
2/01/2004 03:00:00 PM
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You sounded fine when we spoke last
then you went away without saying goodbye
never giving me a chance to make it up to you
my whole world crashed splitting into two
denial was a form of escape
i kept strong so i wouldn't break
wounds formed
but the scars remained
time can heal only so much
memories just wouldn't fade
a part of our lives were lost
a gaping hole left in her heart
for us she had to make a new start
he grew up without knowing you
only a picture to remind him of you
the rest of us grew up missing you
our lives changed never to remain the same
||:PreCiouS:||
2/01/2004 02:27:00 PM
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Yup it was my bro's birthday and i almost forgot about it! damn its official, i'm a very bad sis... haiz... still havent got around getting him a present with my low financial standing and having absolutely no idea what to get for him.. sigh... i'll think of something...
Yesterday was also the chingay parade. Beautiful costumes and floats. Actually i got bored even before the parade started cause they started late and the crowd was already huge! I was there with sinthu, soffie, tania and michelle initally but then soffie dissapeared before the thing got started and she ended up at the youth park watching NUS rockfest i think... when i found out bout it that sounded more intresting than standing with a crowd watching a parade. Point to note... next time if i wanna go to any parade/gigs/performances its better to go with a big group of ppl cause it'll be more fun =)
Oh and i was having this convo with a friend of mine on relationships. Well more abt me not being in one... haha... so what's new. And she said that maybe one of the reason why guys dont approach me is because i look intimidating. Am i really? Cause i realize i seem to get that a lot from my friends before they get to know me....
||:PreCiouS:||
2/01/2004 01:34:00 PM
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