Thursday, February 05, 2004

Strong

That's always the feedback i always get from ppl about me, that i'm a strong person. Well that is after i tell them part of my life story... But then sometimes i dont think i am. Sometimes i feel that i could have done better. Sometimes i feel like my life could have been different. Sometimes i feel like running, running so far away from everything and never stop. How can i be strong when i can't help myself? Its a wonder that i have not collapsed or admitted into a mental institute. So much things running through my head all at once. I know there are people who are worse off than me. and it's my nature to help people who are in need but then sometimes i ask myself how can i help them if i can't help myself? How come i'm so good in helping people but not in helping myself?

It has been a long time since i had a good night's sleep. Everyday i dream. Most dreams that i have i'll always be running or sometimes it'll be about school or stuff that i don't understand. When i wake up i'll be tired. sigh... sometimes i wonder what is the use in sleeping in the first place.

I dont know why i'm troubling myself with this. I may seem happy and crazy on the outside which i know some ppl get irritated by it and i guess its a way for me to forget, to not think. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes. Why is there so much things that is troubling me when i shouldn't be troubled. I know i have friends who'll be there for me but i guess i'm stubborn. The thing is i always have this fear of betrayal. I've trusted so many ppl before and i end up broken. Maybe i'm not that good in my judgement in people. The thing is i'm very open with my life. Whatever ppl ask i'll answer but nowadays i've been filtering what i say to people cause i dont like to see what i see in their eyes.

Pity.

That is what i see in people's eyes sometimes and i hate it. Why that reaction when u dont feel sincere at all. Sometimes when ppl look at me that way i feel damn uncomfortable. I've always grew up wanting to feel normal. But then again i have to accept that i am not. Sometimes i feel like i'm a burden to ppl which is why i became independent... sometimes i feel that i'm too independent for my own good. I miss out on things that normal people go through... for example relationships. If you notice i'm never in one place. I may have my own group of friends but sometimes i'm there sometimes i'm not. Somebody once asked me if i had a close friend, and i said i didnt. In my heart that's how i really feel. Sometimes i feel left out from the group of people i'm with. I doubt my place. These are some of the reasons why i bottle up. Why i keep so much to myself. I know its time to stop doing that but then i ask myself why should i bother people with my troubles? Cause in the end they can't help me... i have to help myself.... i guess i get scared of commitments with people cause i'm afraid of losing them. Cause one by one the people i love or grown to love goes away.

Numb.

That's what i feel when i lose the person i love. That's how i feel when a person i've grown to love goes away.

Fear.

I have so much of that in me. of rejection. of unacceptance. losing my friendships. my family, losing more ppl i love. losing myself. losing everything.

but then we are but just a temporary figure in this world....

I dont know who actually reads my blog. Maybe your perception of me will change after you read this, maybe it wont... i dont really care what you may think... well actually i do... but then i'm too tired to care already...

||:PreCiouS:||
2/05/2004 06:51:00 PM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.