Tuesday, March 30, 2004

When you think of your past love, you may view it
as a failure. But when you find a new love, you
view the past as a teacher. In the game of love,
it doesn't really matter who won or who lost.
What is important is you know when to hold on and
when to let go. You know you really love someone
when you want him or her to be happy, even if
their happiness means that you're not part of it.
Everything happens for the best.

If the person you love doesn't love you back,
don't be afraid to love someone else again, for
you'll never know unless you give it a try.
You'll never love a person you love unless you
risk for love. Love strives in hurting. If you
don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love.

Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the
hurting is still there to test you, it is to help
you grow. Don't find love, let love find you.
That's why it's called falling in love because
you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall.
You cannot finish a book without closing its
chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to
leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won
by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in
which we are always learning, discovering and
growing. The greatest irony of love is letting go
when you need to hold on and holding on when you
need to let go. We lose someone we love only when
we are destined to find someone else who can love
us even more than we can love ourselves. On
falling out of love, take some time to heal and
then get beckon the horse. But don't ever make
the same mistake of riding the same one that
threw you the first time.

To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk
dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must
be taken because the greatest hazard in life is
risk nothing! To reach for another is to risk
involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose
true self; to love is to risk not to be loved in
return. How to define love: fall but do not
stumble, be constant but not too persistent,
share and never be unfair, understand and try not
to demand, hurt but never keep the pain.

Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it
can carve wonderful images into the soul that
always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to
be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire
you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes
the things that give you joy can also hurt you in
the end. Loving people means giving them the
freedom who they choose to be and where they
choose to be. For all the heartaches and the
tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you
should give thanks, for you know, that there were
the things that helped you grow.

Loving someone means giving him the freedom to
find his way, whether it leads towards you or
away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but
the risk must be taken no matter how scary or
painful, for only then you'll experience the
fullness of humanity and that is love.

Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with
desire and tear you apart.

Only love can make you cry and only love knows
why. If you're not ready to cry, if you're not
ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to
feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in
love. There was a time in our lives when we
became afraid to fall in love 'coz every time we
do, we get hurt, and then I figured that's why
it's called falling in love.

||:PreCiouS:||
3/30/2004 04:01:00 PM
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Monday, March 29, 2004

Why do we write? We write cause we are part of the human race. We feel. We think. We experience.

Why do i write? I write cause this is the best way for me to put my feelings into words. I write cause i wanna share with others. I write cause it sets me free..

Am i afraid of being vulnerable? Am i afraid of being criticised for what i am feeling? Am i afraid of what people may think of me? The answer is no. Why should i be? I am only human. I write what i feel. I write what i see. I write what is true. I dont make up stories. I dont create fantasies. I am who i am.

Why feel vulnerable when you feel? Afraid that people may see the weak side of you? Afraid that people will judge you? Why should you be? No one's perfect. Everyone has their strength and weakness. Why be afraid to show them cause hey everyone's human. Then why be friends with those ppl who judge? Cause if they really are friends then they shouldnt judge you. They should embrace you for who you are. Everyone's special in his or her own way. If you are afraid that they would use your feelings against you then they arent friends. Dont be afraid to be you. Dont be afraid to show what you are feeling cause it'll be a shame to just throw god's gift to you back in his face.

||:PreCiouS:||
3/29/2004 08:27:00 PM
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Sometimes when you think its your fault you realise it's not. You know how you get this feeling of maybe i could have done something but then sometimes you cant do everything. I guess i'm up to the point of i dont care anymore. If my care towards a friend is not appreciated and friendship means nothing then i'm fine with that cause i dont need to stress myself out for something i cant change. Sometimes i ask myself why i give in too much, why i blame myself for everything or sometimes i question myself if am i not a good enough friend that people take my vow of friendship so lightly? I can't answer these questions on my own cause i'm not in the position to answer that.

Since we are on this topic of friends.... what do you do when you regard someone as a friend but then they tend to have this hot and cold attitude towards you and you are stumped by it. One day they are super nice to you and the next they are.. well.. irritated by you our just simply ignore what you have to say. Well maybe you need to get to know each other better for you to understand the person but as a normal human being everyone has feelings. Just because you aren't close friends with the next person doesnt mean your actions or words means any less. The insensitivity of some ppl that i dont understand. Haiz... Well no one's perfect rite? But i do hope that all of us take time to reflect on our words, our actions, how it affects others cause the worse case scenario is the things you say can get yourself killed.... (haha... i guess i've been reading too many thriller books and watching too many movies)

||:PreCiouS:||
3/29/2004 07:25:00 PM
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Sunday, March 28, 2004

Oh and since i'm bloggin like nobody's business on a sunday afternoon might as well update on what's been happening lately...

Sis's operation got postponed to Monday cause the operation theater was full (wah got such thing one haiz..)
Oh yea a shout out to the law soccer team. The champions of the Rajah and Tann cup. For those of you who dont know what's that, it's an annual soccer tourny organised for the diff law faculites in singapore. Anyways yea knew you guys could do it!
After the tourny yesterday which i didnt get to watch due to some reasons i wont mention i didnt have anything better to do so i went to the esplanade alone. See follow my own advice to go out on saturday and always end up alone wahaha... story of my life... well anyways watched the outdoor performance.. it was like a solo performance thingy. As i watched the guy performed kinda reminded me of Mel wahaha... why? i have no idea cause well maybe i could see him doing the same thing in the future... and that's a compliment okay haha... actually i could imagine seeing him and kay there, maybe a duet thingy? hehe... Well it ended ard 9.30 and i ended up walking at the bridge. The wind was so nice i just stood there enjoying the wind ignorant to the fact that ppl were walking past me and wondering what am i doing standing in the middle of the bridge alone on a satuday night haha... I only started to walk back to the mrt ard 10 which was when i noticed that i was like the only person who was walking alone wahaha... everyone seems to be walking with somebody...

well thats basicallly what heppend yesterday.. veryvery uneventful wonder why i posted this up in the first place wahaha... must be boredem... =P

||:PreCiouS:||
3/28/2004 02:15:00 PM
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Found this website while browsing thru the web and took the quiz...

our distinct personality, The Dreamer-Minstrel might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. You can always see the "Silver Lining" to every dark and dreary cloud. Look at the bright side is your motto and understanding why everything happens for the best is your goal. You are the positive optimist of the world who provides the hope for all humankind. There is nothing so terrible that you can not find some good within it. On the positive side, you are spontaneous, charismatic, idealistic and empathic. On the negative side, you may be a sentimental dreamer who is emotionally impractical. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

www.kingdomality.com

||:PreCiouS:||
3/28/2004 01:44:00 PM
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Loving you means many things to me
It means knowing
I have somone to rely on,
confide in and trust,
It means knowing
i can be a better person
It means knowing
i can feel safe
It means knowing
I have somone to share
in my laughter, my thoughts
and my dissapointments
Most of all
It means knowing
I have something
to be happy about...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/28/2004 12:53:00 PM
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Saturday, March 27, 2004

Things are gonna get better. Just gotta have faith. I've gotta keep telling myself this cause its up to me how i want my life to go on.

In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest

||:PreCiouS:||
3/27/2004 03:06:00 PM
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so angry at myself right now.Shouldnt have all this emotions inside me right now. Yes i'm only human but then sometimes i think its coulding my brain, clouding my logic. Couldnt sleep the whole night. Couldnt stop worrying. Somebody stop me! haha... rite... exams coming up and i have yet to start revision... tort deadline coming up, crim law peer teaching next wk, arts app assignment due the following wk and exams are in like wat 3 weeks? argh!

And i'm also angry at myself for wat i did yesterday. So much was going on and i was also angry at myself cause i was helpless, cause i felt that i failed on being a sister cause i'm always never there, and i guess i lost my patience and walked away frm a friend. I know nothing i say will justify what i did but i just wanted to be alone. Cause its easier. Cause being alone is something i'm used to. To my friend i sincerely apologize. I'm sorry.

||:PreCiouS:||
3/27/2004 11:51:00 AM
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Friday, March 26, 2004

Today was the worse day of my life... ok tat's an overstatement.. maybe of the month at least I guess mother nature was insync with me today. Today's weather was exactly the way i was feeling. At least mother nature was able to just let it rain full force compared to me everytime i feel tears coming i stop myself cause i couldnt bring myself to let it all out. Went down to visit sis today... found out she has to undergo an emergency OP tomorrow cause her lungs collapsed...

you know i simply had it. You know sometimes how you feel angry and upset all at the same time and it hurts so much that you cant stand it? Thats exactly how i feel right now. Most reasonable advice anyone wld give is to channel it out somewhere but the thing is i donno where to. or someone else wld say to talk it out but then so far no one ever gave me a chance to, do you know how it feels like when you're trying to say something and the person keeps interrupting you. Frustrating aint it? And that's usually the case. The best way i can do it is here. Imagine being online and have ppl online but donno who to approach cause its very hard to get your thoughts and feelings across... and then having your hp phonebk filled with loads of ppl numbers but as you are scrolling down the list you have no idea who to call cause you donno if you'll be disturbing the person or if the person would even want to listen to you or not. Pathetic you might say. Yea story of my life. Great just great

||:PreCiouS:||
3/26/2004 11:39:00 PM
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When u thought somethings gonna get better, they dont...

docs called mum today to tell her wat sis is suffering from...
this cant be happening... she went for surgery to get better and now blows come one after the other...
this is so unfair, i feel so darn useless, why does it have to happen to her, why couldnt it just happen to me when i went thru my OP, maybe if i went thru it she wldnt have to...
she's starting sch at TP next sem... so proud of her o's and she actually got in her dream course... and this had to happen...
mum's medisave's almost gone, we were never financially strong, i'm at a loss...
this is so not fair... why us? havent we suffered enough?
my mind's swirling, and i feel like drowning,.... i honestly dont know what to do....
i serously feel like breaking down rite now.....

||:PreCiouS:||
3/26/2004 12:39:00 AM
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Thursday, March 25, 2004

Friends...
sometimes you donno whether u shld strangle em' or just love em'...

My darling friends...haiz... what did they do now? by 040404 they say. Lovely number aint it? Ah but you donno the agenda behind iit. Easier said then done... ooh but if i dont do it, same outcome... so how do i go about doing this? To do or not do? Let see... if i do it it'll be better cause then i'll be the one doing it on my own accord.... if i dont do it i'll have no say in it and it'll just say that i'm not the person i am and the outcome will still be the same.... argh....

The good thing about all this is it'll lift a huge burden outta my mind...
still... argh...

friends...
sometimes you donno whether u shld stragle em' or just love em'....

||:PreCiouS:||
3/25/2004 09:55:00 PM
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004

why ponder on what could have been when you could do it now?
hey we live only once =P
But then fear still keeps me rooted to the ground....
Darn...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/24/2004 02:42:00 AM
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Mum just got back....
sis warded at SGH...
her lung... the other side now...
darn...
.... feel so helpless rite now.....

||:PreCiouS:||
3/24/2004 12:40:00 AM
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Tuesday, March 23, 2004

when i got back today found out that sis went back to the hospital...
havent heard anything yet...
hopefully everything's gonna be fine...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/23/2004 11:34:00 PM
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Monday, March 22, 2004

no matter how much i try
you're still on my mind
my heart hurts when i'm with you
and when we are apart i feel it too
your presence means more to me then u know
the silence deafening
unuttered words with so much meaning
Wonder why we are the way we are
Wonder if my feeling are known to you
Wonder if you feel the same way too
well thats how it will always be...
wondering....

||:PreCiouS:||
3/22/2004 11:46:00 PM
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just uploaded some pics frm my cam....

my fave ones =)

||:PreCiouS:||
3/22/2004 01:13:00 AM
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Sunday, March 21, 2004

i realised something...
everytime i stay at home on a saturday for the entire day my entries are full of angst....
hmmz....
should get out more...
haiz...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/21/2004 11:35:00 PM
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Saturday, March 20, 2004

Maybe i expect too much outta life...
Maybe i just try too hard...
Maybe its just me...

i guess i should stop...

how far should i stop?

Stop being me?

Stop from caring to much?

Stop taking notice abt the ppl around me cause my care has never been appreciated?

Stop trying to please ppl cause tats wat i'm good at?

Stop being nice?

Where do i draw the line?

||:PreCiouS:||
3/20/2004 11:03:00 PM
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how can you say that you dont judge a person but then you go "oh shes at it again", "nah she'll never change" or "there she goes again always like that"... isn't that already judging? When you think that you'll never get thru a person who decides when the person wants to change? you? who are you to make it all better within minutes? You're not god. You say we are friends but then you say nobody knows you only your closest friends but when i try to get to know you, you change the subject... You tell ppl you need time, that you need time to move on and that we cant force you to tell us everything but when it happens to another, surprise surprise you're doing exactly the same thing that you told us not to do. You say we are friends but sometimes whenever i need your support, i'm left hanging, left dissapointed, and ironically you once said that you'll always be there for me when i need support... funny how strong that support is... You tell me that i need a break should lessen my work load but then when u are suppose to do something you resist and dropped it and what happens to it? It is pushed to me. Thank you for your wonderful consideration. How thoughtful you are. Whenever ppl talk about you, i defend you but when it comes to me you contribute to the conversation. wow how wonderful. When you were in need, when you felt down i dropped everything and ran to you, but when i felt so down and out, where were you?

Contradictions

Hypocrisy

The world's full of it

superb, absolutely wonderful

not

||:PreCiouS:||
3/20/2004 10:50:00 PM
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25 Questions

When is enough enough?
When can u say i've had enough of this and walk away?
When can u say i've had enough and cannot be bothered anymore?
When can u say i've had enough and stop caring?
When can u say i've had enough and stop being you all together?
What do you do when you need to be in two places at once?
What do you do when you have your responsibilities but then something crops us and u need to drop it there and then?
What do you do when you dont have the power to take away the pain?
What do you do when you are helpless cause there's nothing you can do about it?
What do you do when you think you've had enough?
How can it hurt so much when it is not suppose to?
How can it hurt so much that you find it hard to accept and move on?
How can it hurt so much that you feel like crying but cant?
How can it hurt so much that it shatters your heart into pieces?
How can i say that everything's ok when its not?
How can i say i'm alone when i have friends who'll be there for me?
How can i say everything is gonna be fine when i know it wont?
Why do i psyche myself up even tho i know how bad the outcome is gonna be like?
Why do i do the things i do?
Why do i give in easily?
Why do i let ppl walk all over me?
Why can't i stay mad at a person for long?
Why do i keep feeling guilty even tho i'm not given a choice?
Why do i want someone to love me back when i should just be contented for having the ability to love?
Why do i keep lying to myself?

This is what happens when i think too bloody much...
why cant i just stay crappy and crazy all the time? Maybe just maybe i wont be so stressed out... but then i wouldnt be me would i?

Ingin ku sendiri meniti hari
Kala sunyi yang melanda sepi..
Alam bisu bagaikan mengerti
Berakhirnya sebuah memori
Ingin ku melangkah membawa diri...

Kini aku pasrah dengan segalanya
Kepedihan ini masih terasa
Apakah salahku..apakah dosaku
Tuhan beri aku/lah petunjukmu
Dan redha dengan kehendak mu

||:PreCiouS:||
3/20/2004 01:14:00 AM
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Friday, March 19, 2004

I realised that i havent been much of a friend of late. Been caught up with too many things that i... well i didnt thought abt my friends. I'm sorry.. really really sorry... i donno what i can do to make up for it but i'll always be here when you need me, i'm just a phone call away =)

Oh and one more thing... i'm getting left out in alot of things... cause i realise that sometimes i donno what some ppl are talking abt... must be something wrong with me... need to get a life... argh...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/19/2004 11:08:00 PM
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Yesterday was the capt's ball game. All the teams were experienced players, current and ex netball players compared to my team and i who you would hardly think are any good. (dont think i didnt see the other teams being v.confident) Anyways really proud of my team even tho we lost all 3 matches wahaha... The bottom line is all of us had fun.
Gotta confess something tho, whenever i play a game, doesnt matter what game, i'm competitive even tho its just a normal game. I try to do my best. Someone once told me they way you play a game is how you lead your life. I guess its true. The thing is whenever i play to lose it always ends up differently.
For example yesterday, after losing two straight games my team changed tactics, we played to lose and we actually played better wahaha.. the irony of it. But we still lost but it was okay cause our mind set was already to lose.

Well anyways the evening went well until i got dizzy... must be the lack of food and to top it of my back hurt like hell. I guess it was partly becasuse i fell during the game. Now i know why there's this advice to ppl with my condition not to play contact sports hehe... but then i'm a stubborn person so yea it was my choice no worries... it wld be a totally diff thing if my heart stops half way... ok touch wood... shouldnt think about bad stuff....

So today would be the last day of the games. Student-lecturer games. Wonder what's gonna happen today. Would be fun to see the lecturers playing against the students. =)

||:PreCiouS:||
3/19/2004 01:26:00 PM
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Thursday, March 18, 2004

Today was a veryvery uneventful day. Reached sch only at four cause there wasnt any lect or tuts today. Helped Lin with her will and probate thingy then went to slack with the 05 peeps and got started on my patricia cornwell novel. FUtsal was on today for law week. I got to be the time keeper. My first time (silent yay) haha... (anyways great game guys!) Well common injuries here and there but it was all good. The last match APEC v Back w/ a vengence didnt get to complete their game cause the court lights went off in the middle of the second half. It was reallyreally dark and visibility was like 0.5? Well anyway i couldnt stay to help clear up cause kay and mel was already waiting for me for a very long time and i couldnt make them wait any longer then they should... felt really really guilty for not helping.. you know how sometimes you wish you could be in two places at once? yea i felt that way... well i usually do... haha... promise i will help tomorrow. =)
Tomorrow's game is capt's ball and badminton... cant wait =)

||:PreCiouS:||
3/18/2004 01:02:00 AM
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Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Surrounded by loads of ppl
Surrounded by friends
yet feel alone
have you ever felt that?
Laughing, playing, having fun
at the end of the day
something's missing
cant figure out who or what
surrounded by ppl
surrounded by friends
still feeling alone
i hate feeling that...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/17/2004 12:45:00 PM
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OMG OP and MBS is finally over.. so two down and hmmz... five more to go? wahaha.... well after yesterday it was a huge relief for me. Havent felt so carefree in days and i actually slept the whole night and actually woke up late! That hasnt happened for a long time. =D
Capts ball didnt happen yesterday due to the weather. Which was okay cause i wasnt much up to it anyways.
Oh yea watched Butterfly Effect of Sunday. It was a spur of the moment thing. Just finished project discussion and came down to TM alone to buy some stuff then had an impulse to go catch a movie so decided to. Havent catch a movie solo for quite awhile. Well anywayz the movie was GOOD. really. no kiddin. definitely recommended. The movie proves that whatever you say or do affects future events. Consequences of actions, consequences of words.

||:PreCiouS:||
3/17/2004 11:34:00 AM
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Nobody Not Really

Who really cares?
When I talk?
What I feel?
What I say?
Nobody, not really
Who wants to take
The time to understand?
I would like
Someone to heal me with some empathy
But I can’t find
Nobody, not really
Maybe I’m invisible to the world
Does anyone on the world even think of me
Maybe the world is not my block
My stoop
My life, my dreams
My anything
So, who wants to help?
Momma but she’s so tired
Papa but you’re not here
I’m alone in a big empty space with
Nobody, not really

||:PreCiouS:||
3/16/2004 04:30:00 AM
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Kkiez previous entry was seriously outta anger. 4.21am and still awake. Gonna be zoned out tomorrow. OP presentation, followed by MBS presentation and Captain's Ball game in the evening. Haiz....
oh yea sis is back at home, resting. So far so good. I'm also at home now. Will be home for the week i guess before i go back there.
Darn i'm hungry now.
should get some rest...
dumdeedumdeedum...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/16/2004 04:22:00 AM
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Frankly speaking i'm bloddy pissed off rite now. I just lost all my files in my zip disk and this is like the fourth bloody zip disk that has srewed up on me. And to bloody top it off tomorrow is my bloody LSM OP and its at 9am! Fuct how worse can it get. Sorrie for the language but i'm serously pissed off rite now. If possible i feel like crying which would be of no use cause it wont change a bloody thing. So now i have to stay up the whole night to re-do the slides. And what's the rest gonna do? All they said were "oh no", "shit", "oh at least you have some part of the slides in your e-mail so you wont have to everything again". Fine. and the one whos gonna not sleep and have to do it all over again is who? ME. no prizes for guessing.
You know the bloody irritating thing is this all could have been prevented if the bloody grp listened to me in the first place and made up a back up copy on someonelse's zip disk. But NO. Everyone thinks they are so damn bloody right and i'm wrong. Great. I had enough. Next time i'll bloody do it myself since my opinions are never heard. Oh and the bloody ironic thing is someone wld mention the same bloody suggestion that i've suggested before and everyone would say it is damn bloody good idea. I'm not saying abt this proj but abt everything else.
My grp hasnt even properly rehearsed and i'm damn worried. But the others dont seem to be. Man i'm damn fucking tired but i cant do anything about it. One day i'm just gonna drop dead. Then eveyrone would be happy. Great. How pessemist can i get? But wtf, wth, i'm better off dead anywayz gonna happen sooner or later and no one's gonna miss a thing.

||:PreCiouS:||
3/16/2004 12:47:00 AM
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Saturday, March 13, 2004

Dad

Someone my lil bro didnt get to see. You see my dad died before my bro got into this world. If only he was born two months earlier maybe.. just maybe... but fate works cruelly sometimes. Seven years have passed. I guess it still tugs at my heart tat dad is no longer with us. As a family we went thru a lot of ups and downs. I went thru my next 7 years away frm my family and i guess i missed out on a lot of things (especially seeing my siblings grow up) and as painful as it may be it was for the best. I know mum couldn’t have supported all of us since she was not working and she was suddenly left with a lot of things to handle cause you see dad’s death was unexpected. Mum is the strongest woman i know. She lost her husband, her friend and her support. I know sometimes that she cries but she doesnt show it. She remained strong for the six of us. She sacrificed a lot and there's nothing in the world that i can do enough of to repay her.
Dad was the sole breadwinner of our family. He was working for SIA as a technician; he only got promoted a week prior to his death after he completed his part time studies in TP. Like i said fate works cruelly sometimes. One thing about dad is he sticks to his principles. He doesnt care about what ppl may say as long as wat he does is right in the eyes of god. To him home is always heaven, like a malay saying that goes "rumah ku syurga ku". u see he doesnt like to go out and go sight seeing unlike mum, but nonetheless he would still bring us for an overseas trip once in two years, visit interesting exhibitions and fortnightly weekend trips to the airport. He was an active volunteer at the mosque, offering his computer expertise whenever its needed and he has always wanted the best for his children. I've gotta admit I get scared of him sometimes cause he is quite strict. When i was in primary school i was so in love with singing. I always envied those ppl in the choir. There was one time i went for an audition without telling him and i actually got in... then guilt started to take over... so i quit... but then in primary 5 i gathered up the courage to actually tell him that i wanna join the choir.. i guess he was reluctant at first saying that it was a waste of time and stuff but seeing that I really had interest in it he agreed in the end…
In a way i could say i was close to my dad but we weren't exactly buddies. I guess he was closer to my sis cause i was the more independent type. I was the kid who sometimes talk to herself, well i still do sometimes haha... One thing i swore i would never do was disappoint him, to let him down. But i guess lookin back there are regrets on my part and there are some things i wish i shouldnt have done or could have done differently.
17 Jan 1997, Friday, dad had been in the hospital for a few days. He had been in and out of hospital for a while. Tat night we received a call from the hospital, i was the one who answered the phone, the doctor wanted to speak to mum. In the background i could hear alarm sounds... in my heart i knew something was wrong... the doc wanted mum to come down immediately... i tried to push away all bad thoughts aside cause afterall i just talked to dad two days ago and he sounded fine... i was telling him about the CCAs that i was joining and how school was and stuff.... The second phone call came in an hour later.. this time grandma (who came down after mum called her) picked up the phone... Dad passed away... Doctors couldnt revive him...
I couldnt believe it. Nothing was making sense. I was numb. I couldnt think. My grandma told me to help her clear the stuff in my parents room and the shift the furniture in the house... i did as was told... everything was a blur to me... i remembered that i went outside after i finished helping. I sat on one of the chairs that was in the far corner... staring into space... tears refused to fall... i just sat there not moving... ppl started coming... then i saw mum and my aunt coming down the stairs.. they just got back from the hospital... mum was crying... i stood there frozen... i didnt know what to do... Dad's body arrived at home ard 2am in the morning... they laid him on his bed... i couldnt see him cause he was covered with a cloth... everything became a blur to me afterwards... the only thing i remembered next was waking up and being asked to eat cause it was the fasting month at that time and it was almost subuh (morning prayers)... The next thing i remembered after tat was when dad was being laid in the living room before they wld bury him... all of us (me and my siblings) were told to sprinkle somekind of yellow stuff around his head and kiss him on the forehead. I remembered it being very cold... so cold... it was like ice... there was a scent that lingered that will always be embedded in my mind...
I was never able to cry at tat time. Now 7 years later his lost is still being felt. Everytime i think about it my heart aches... sometimes tears just fall because of regrets, maybe because i just miss him, but then honestly i dont exactly miss him cause i got used to not having him around, I guess things happen for a reason... You see for instance if my dad was still alive he would had to fork out a lot of medical fees especially on my part as i went thru several major operations soon after his death... If i ever got a chance to see him again, the first thing i would say would be sorry. I am so so sorry.....

So guys never wait for the last minute to say sorry to a person cause you might never be able to get the chance to. Same goes when you wanna say I Love You to someone you love cause you'll may never ever get the chance to say it to em' cause it may be just too late...

I guess his death affected me in a way.... when i had to live away from my family my grades dropped, i hated secondary school but then school was the only way i could go out... I became more distant, withdrawn, quieter… I became less active in school activities… I kept thinking life sucked, that It was unfair, why it had to happen to us why not some other ppl… however bad it may seem i was never influenced by the others to take up any bad stuff... the only bad thing i did was play truant once in awhile or coming back very late and saying i have something on in school... An express student on the road to disaster... O levels came and i did badly for it.. i only secured 3 credits which was from two of my fave subject, english and geog... oh and the other was malay, i cant very well fail it can i? I got B3 for those three subjects and in to summarize the other five subjects i got D7 for three of em and F9 for the remaining. Yeap results were very bad and i landed up where else but ITE. ITE was the changing point of my life. I knew mum was dissapointed in me for not during well in O levels so i promised my self to work hard and get into poly. I was active in school activities and friends i made there was the best thing that has every happened to me. As months and years passed I grew a lot. I became more comfortable in being myself and learned how to look at life In a different more positive perspective. So here i am now a student in TP studying law and mgmt. Dont really know why i am in law alto it IS interesting, my interest actually lies somewhere else (those who knows me know exactly wat it is). But then thru the years i learned that god places us in situations that may benefit us in the future even tho we may dont like it intially. Things happen for reason and i guess everything i've went through for the past 7 years has thought me to be who I am today…

I don’t have a pic of my whole family together so this will have to do…
My Family…

me, mum, sis and dad

Ladies of the House (97/98)

one of my ITE memories

||:PreCiouS:||
3/13/2004 02:56:00 AM
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Wat do u do when u read something that tugs at your heart? What do u do when you feel something's wrong? When u think you know wat the person is feelin but u cant do anything to help... well u try but when u think you know wats goin on they pull away, ditch u in the middle of nowhere. You donno whether u shld get pissed or feel for the person cause you have no right to in the first place cause one you may be just a stranger to em' and two they have every right to do whatever they think is rite for em' to do even tho it may be frowned upon....
It really doesnt take a lot to care, to be there for a person but when your offer is rejected, is being ignored it basically hurts. Well its just me i suppose. The world works funnie sometimes. When you think you're alone there will always be someone there who'll be there behind you only sometimes we're just plain blind and when you realize there's someone there you just refuse to believe it...

Condolence...
wat does it actually mean?
sympathy?
why offer it?
Its been years
3 years to a decade
i dont need tat anymore
never needed it
never found the use of it
i had enuff of it reallly
as a good gesture it may be
i wished u had never said it
it all comes down to the same category
pity
i distate it
i simply hate it
i seriously had enough of it to last me a lifetime
just so u know
watever symphaty u may feel on my part
just keep it

||:PreCiouS:||
3/13/2004 01:45:00 AM
||||

Tiada lagi air mata
Bisa ku tangiskan lagi
Tiada lagi guna bermadah
Tempatku bukannya di sini
Sepuluh tahun ku menghambar padamu
Tak ku pinta lebih daripada tulus cinta
Namun kau menoda
Berkecai mahligai kita
Tidak pernahkah kau terfikir
Kemungkinan yang berakhir
Tidak pernahkah tersingkap di minda
Wajah kita sekeluarga
Sekelip mata berubah segalanya
Tiba-tiba dunia daku gelap gelita
Tak menentu hala
Teringat kau bersamanya

Trauma yang melanda
Menikam-nikan jiwa
Selemah ku lemah daku berserah
Trauma yang ku rasakan
Hanya padamu tuhan
Yang memahami
Pedih di hati
Tiada pengubat bisa merawat luka
Ku dalam trauma

Walau seribu pujuk rayu
Tak mengubah pendirianku
Sekali kau menduakan ku
Selamanya tertutup pintu
Biar daku membawa diri ini
Pergi jauh takkan kembali
Ku mencari ketenangan hati
Cuba lenyapkan trauma ini

||:PreCiouS:||
3/13/2004 12:39:00 AM
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Thursday, March 11, 2004

Did the love quiz that some of em' have been doing...

1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and
free.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she
loves you.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.

4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you think of love as a committment for both parties.

||:PreCiouS:||
3/11/2004 12:58:00 AM
||||

skipped RQ today to visit my sis afterall i did promise her and i havent seen her for quite some time. She's doing better now... She has just started practicing to sit again but lil things still tire her i.e eating her meal... Her heart is till weak which is why she gets tired easily... Was able to cheer her up when i was there, she was telling me to stop making her laugh cause its hurting her back haha... just happy that she's smiling again...

a shout out to Seri... well not sure if you read my blog but nonetheless...

Happy 20th Birthday!!!!

On my journey to the hospital today i began to think... i began to think how fortunate i am...
cause no matter how sick i am there'll be someone who is more sick then me
There is at least one person in the world who is goin thru chemo every hour
at least one person who in the world who is crying in pain every second
at least one person in the world struggling with their last breath every minute
... cause even tho dad is gone i still have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, an education, mum & my siblings cause there'll be someone who is worse off then me...
at least one person in the world who lost their family all at one go
at least one child in the world who is left abandoned every day
at least 2.5 of the world population is uneducated

I guess sometimes you have to look at life in a different perspective especially when you are a walking time bomb haha... Why depress myself with things that i can't change, i'm only human afterall.
Life is given to us by god as a gift. Why waste it? Why wait for something to happen and waste the precious time that you have cause one day you might wake up and find that you're missing the best thing that will ever happen to you and it will be too late to do anything about it. And who would you blame in the end? Yourself? Your ego? Your fears? Your hesitancy? Why even bother cause it wont change the situation one bit
Like a saying goes... Carpe Diem. Seize the day. If you've been wanting to do something go ahead and do it. Why wait? If you've been wanting to take up a language why not start now? If you've been eyeing that girl/guy why not make the first move? What's there to lose cause if the person is mature enough they'll know how to handle it. There's loads of things we wanna do but hesitate. Why? Cause we're afraid of the consequences. Well consequences will always be there. The question is are you brave enough to face it? If you are then good for you. Then just do it. We only live once...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/11/2004 12:37:00 AM
||||

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

A song by x-tina that i've been playing on repeat....

Impossible

It's impossible, it's impossible to love you
If you don't, let me know, what you're feeling
It's impossible, for me to give you whatcha need
If you're always hiding from me

I don't know what hurts you, I just,I wanna to make it right
Boy I am sick and tired of trying to read your mind

[chorus]
It's impossible, oh baby it's impossible for me to love you this way
It's impossible, oh baby it's impossible, if you're making it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you're always trying to make it so damn HARD!!!!!!!!
How can I, how can I, give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always, putting up your own guard

This is not a circus, don't ya play me for a clown
how long can emotions keep going up and down

It's impossible, oh baby it's impossible, for me to love you this way
It's impossible, oh baby it's impossible you keep treating me this way, over
and over

if you keep treating me this way

||:PreCiouS:||
3/10/2004 11:48:00 PM
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004

This past two nights i have been having instant noodles for dinner... haiz i know its not healthy but tats the only food i can get when i get back, usually i reach home at ard 10 plus and there'll usually no more food in the kitchen so i have to resort to instant noodles.... need to eat more healthy food... any volunteer to be my dinner buddy?
Question: What in the world is a dinner buddy?
Ans: Someone who'll ensure that i eat proper food for dinner so that i wont starve when i'm doing work at night =)

||:PreCiouS:||
3/09/2004 11:28:00 PM
||||

A glimmer of hope hidden beneath, a fear of dissapointing fester within
A need to break free, A need to be free
A cloud of doubt lingers within
A truth struggling to break free

||:PreCiouS:||
3/09/2004 03:43:00 PM
||||

Monday, March 08, 2004

Saturday was a good day well in the evening tat is. MG peeps had a gathering at Mr J's apartment. I absolutely love his apartment! It's so cosy. And he has this huge collection of CDs and there were titles that you wont expect in his CD collection and i'm not gonna name any cause i'm too nice =D hehe...

Things took a turn for my sis... a complication arose... blood clot in her lungs... docs donno how that happen... darn i feel so bloody helpless... now not can my sis not sit up, she cant eat too... they have to drain her lungs and its hurting her like hell and i feel so guilty that i cant visit her as often as i want to cause i'm too bz with school...

One week till OP and i'm damn worried cause we havent exactly started on the presentation yet... One week to Law week... hopefully it goes on smoothly... oh and a shout out to all law students.. do take part in the sports games ya cause they are organised esp for u guys, there's gonna be futsal for both ladies and gents, captain ball, badminton and touch rugby, registration starts this tuesday =)

Was reading the sunday paper today and there was this article on blogging and there was this particular comment that ppl blog to boost their ego... well personally i have to disagree with that cause how do u actually boost your ego when blogging? Its just basically your reflections on whats happening in your life and its also a form of communication cause sometimes its easier to blog than saying it out loud....

||:PreCiouS:||
3/08/2004 03:19:00 AM
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Sunday, March 07, 2004

i got bored.. Quiz Time!

pure

Congrats! Your a Pure Angel! Angels, as far as most
of them go, are all compatabile creatures, but
Pure ones simply are symbols of God. Pure
Angels always appear when a child is born, when
a rainbow is seen, or when someone shares their
first kiss. They never grow old, an can appear
in the shape of a naked woman with white, bold
wings. Pure angels are the carriers of god, and
show their love to everyone in the world.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

gold heart

Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Alone

Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most.

What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Okie these quizzes are sometimes freaky! argh! *runs away like a headless chicken* nooooooooooooo!

LoL hehe...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/07/2004 01:00:00 AM
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Saturday, March 06, 2004

Poetry to share...

Miracles

Why, who makes much of a miracle?
As to me I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach just in the edge

of the water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with anyone I love, or sleep in the bed

at night with anyone I love,
Or sit at the table at dinner with the rest,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honeybees busy around the hive

of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds, or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sundown, or of stars shining

so quiet and bright,
Or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon

in spring;
These with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring, yet each distinct and in its place.
To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread

with the same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same.
To me the sea is a continual miracle,
The fishes that swim-the rocks-the motion of the waves

-the ships with men in them,
What stranger miracles are there?

-Walt Whitman

||:PreCiouS:||
3/06/2004 01:10:00 AM
||||

Am i that very hard to talk to?
Am i not that approachable?
Cause why cant ppl just approach me and just tell me what the hell is bothering them instead of telling someone else and expecting the other party to tell it to me?
Have i suddenly gone deaf, dumb or something else or totally invisible?
Do i seriously look like i bite?
This is damn frustrating
God dont even know why i'm bothered...
i shldnt be shld i?
Argh....

||:PreCiouS:||
3/06/2004 12:49:00 AM
||||

Was listening to this song by x-tina on the way to school... the lyrics got my attention... something i cld relate to then...

What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke
It was all an illusion

Now I've been licking my wounds (licking my wounds)
But the vemon seeps deeper (deeper, deeper)
We both can seduce
but darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
and I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered in dispair, it's never over, over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare,
I let out a silent prayer
that it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Begging, pleading no more

I don't know what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you

It hurts my soul
Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need, Oh

I'm about to break
And I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm fiendin' for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need, Oh

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I say...
I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away...

yes to walk away cause sometimes that's the right thing to do and i'm far way already... started to walk away when i knew i was going nowhere... feels so good... ahh....

||:PreCiouS:||
3/06/2004 12:45:00 AM
||||

Thursday, March 04, 2004

believe me i feel tired for myself too... (with regards to ppl who says i look stressed out and feel tired for me haha...)

I'm so bloody tired rite now. Its kinda feel llike i'm sleepwalking in a way and my body aches like hell. Gonna fall sick one of this days i tell you, which i can't afford to by the way cause a lot of project deadlines are coming up! *Sigh* How i stress myself out, lemme count the ways.. haha... thats the problem with me sometimes, i'm very hard on myself that i get too stressed out which is bad, veryvery bad but i cant help it, cause i expect a lot from me cause... well cause... i guess i've got a lot to prove to myself and to some ppl...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/04/2004 11:03:00 PM
||||

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Edge

The woman is perfected

Her dead

Body wears the smile of accomplishment,

The illusion of a Greek necessity

Flowers in the scrolls of her toga'

Her bare

Feet seem to be saying

We have come so far, it is over

Each dead child coiled, a white serpent',

one at each little

Pitcher of milk, now empty

She has folded

Them back into her body as petals

Of a rose close when the garden

Stiffens and odors bleed

From the sweet deep throats of the night flower.

The moon has nothing to be sad about,

Staring from her hood of bone.

She is used to this sort of thing.

Her blacks crackle and drag.

-Sylvia Plath

||:PreCiouS:||
3/03/2004 04:37:00 PM
||||

been telling myself to not care anymore, not be so affected by stuff around me. I guess i've been kidding myself. Sometimes the stuff that a person do or say may seem little to them but to the person who receives it, it may mean a lot and sometimes it hurts. It hurts so bloody much that its like a knife thru the heart...
How do you feel angry, irritated, sorry and regretful at the same time? It is one hell of a combination i tell you, but then it happens. stuff happens. sometimes we can control it, sometimes we can't. But what ever happens we learn, we move on. But the most painful consequence is when friendships are affected. Relationships made are rocky. Nothing is too big or too little to lose friendship over so why risk it? i dont think i'll ever risk it.. but then sometimes you have to put your foot down on certain issues cause being true to oneself doesnt mean you always have to listen to your peers...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/03/2004 01:47:00 PM
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Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Have been listening to Westilfe's Turnaround album these past few days.. at first i was goin like man they changed their style but after listening to it over and over again actually the album is pretty good... to me at least...

having this habit of sleeping late everyday... keep telling myself to go and sleep early but got so much stuff to do that i cant bring myself to sleep early, well unless i'm really tired out i guess...

god i really need to get a life outside school. Everything is centered around school so much i think i'm gonna go crazy very soon (well like i'm not at that stage already =P) need to get a social life dammit... argh...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/02/2004 11:40:00 AM
||||

today was the annual academy awards... Lord Of the Rings really won big woo hoo... anyways at the same time this hoo haa was goin on my sis was in NUH Operation theater undergoing major surgery... big contrast aint it... *sigh* rite now she's recuperating, thank god... cldnt go and visit her today.. only got out of sch at 7.30.. by the time i reached the hospital it visiting hours wld be over... so decided that i would go tomorrow...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/02/2004 01:45:00 AM
||||

Monday, March 01, 2004

lalala...
*think happy thoughts*
yes kay loads of angst on my previous postings...
cant be helped but i'm gonna start thinking happy thoughts... lalala... no use me beating myself about stuff... i'm throwing away my hopes for now cause there's no more hope from the way i see it. Denial of reality i should say. Forget about him, forget about me thinking about the inevitable, forget me thinking about the impossible. Maybe i should think for me for once. Why think cause it will only bring me down. Be free i say. Smell the roses. Let the wind carry our thoughts away. lalala... ok goin crazy already.. lalala... might as well.. gd for the heart, a burden of weight lifted haha... if i'm scaring you i'm sorry you feel that way but i dont care anymore lalala... i'm sick and tired of ppl judging me, i'm sick and tired of feeling down, i'm sick and tired of feeling sick, i'm sick and tired of feeling things i shldnt be feeling... not that i'm not gonna stop caring or being nice cause its already part of me but i'm gonna stop being paranoid and do what ever i feel like doing and not think of what ppl might think of me cause its tiring and thinking too much makes me tired too... so yea... *ok azi stop and think happy thoughts* lalala...

||:PreCiouS:||
3/01/2004 01:56:00 AM
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