Saturday, March 13, 2004

Dad

Someone my lil bro didnt get to see. You see my dad died before my bro got into this world. If only he was born two months earlier maybe.. just maybe... but fate works cruelly sometimes. Seven years have passed. I guess it still tugs at my heart tat dad is no longer with us. As a family we went thru a lot of ups and downs. I went thru my next 7 years away frm my family and i guess i missed out on a lot of things (especially seeing my siblings grow up) and as painful as it may be it was for the best. I know mum couldn’t have supported all of us since she was not working and she was suddenly left with a lot of things to handle cause you see dad’s death was unexpected. Mum is the strongest woman i know. She lost her husband, her friend and her support. I know sometimes that she cries but she doesnt show it. She remained strong for the six of us. She sacrificed a lot and there's nothing in the world that i can do enough of to repay her.
Dad was the sole breadwinner of our family. He was working for SIA as a technician; he only got promoted a week prior to his death after he completed his part time studies in TP. Like i said fate works cruelly sometimes. One thing about dad is he sticks to his principles. He doesnt care about what ppl may say as long as wat he does is right in the eyes of god. To him home is always heaven, like a malay saying that goes "rumah ku syurga ku". u see he doesnt like to go out and go sight seeing unlike mum, but nonetheless he would still bring us for an overseas trip once in two years, visit interesting exhibitions and fortnightly weekend trips to the airport. He was an active volunteer at the mosque, offering his computer expertise whenever its needed and he has always wanted the best for his children. I've gotta admit I get scared of him sometimes cause he is quite strict. When i was in primary school i was so in love with singing. I always envied those ppl in the choir. There was one time i went for an audition without telling him and i actually got in... then guilt started to take over... so i quit... but then in primary 5 i gathered up the courage to actually tell him that i wanna join the choir.. i guess he was reluctant at first saying that it was a waste of time and stuff but seeing that I really had interest in it he agreed in the end…
In a way i could say i was close to my dad but we weren't exactly buddies. I guess he was closer to my sis cause i was the more independent type. I was the kid who sometimes talk to herself, well i still do sometimes haha... One thing i swore i would never do was disappoint him, to let him down. But i guess lookin back there are regrets on my part and there are some things i wish i shouldnt have done or could have done differently.
17 Jan 1997, Friday, dad had been in the hospital for a few days. He had been in and out of hospital for a while. Tat night we received a call from the hospital, i was the one who answered the phone, the doctor wanted to speak to mum. In the background i could hear alarm sounds... in my heart i knew something was wrong... the doc wanted mum to come down immediately... i tried to push away all bad thoughts aside cause afterall i just talked to dad two days ago and he sounded fine... i was telling him about the CCAs that i was joining and how school was and stuff.... The second phone call came in an hour later.. this time grandma (who came down after mum called her) picked up the phone... Dad passed away... Doctors couldnt revive him...
I couldnt believe it. Nothing was making sense. I was numb. I couldnt think. My grandma told me to help her clear the stuff in my parents room and the shift the furniture in the house... i did as was told... everything was a blur to me... i remembered that i went outside after i finished helping. I sat on one of the chairs that was in the far corner... staring into space... tears refused to fall... i just sat there not moving... ppl started coming... then i saw mum and my aunt coming down the stairs.. they just got back from the hospital... mum was crying... i stood there frozen... i didnt know what to do... Dad's body arrived at home ard 2am in the morning... they laid him on his bed... i couldnt see him cause he was covered with a cloth... everything became a blur to me afterwards... the only thing i remembered next was waking up and being asked to eat cause it was the fasting month at that time and it was almost subuh (morning prayers)... The next thing i remembered after tat was when dad was being laid in the living room before they wld bury him... all of us (me and my siblings) were told to sprinkle somekind of yellow stuff around his head and kiss him on the forehead. I remembered it being very cold... so cold... it was like ice... there was a scent that lingered that will always be embedded in my mind...
I was never able to cry at tat time. Now 7 years later his lost is still being felt. Everytime i think about it my heart aches... sometimes tears just fall because of regrets, maybe because i just miss him, but then honestly i dont exactly miss him cause i got used to not having him around, I guess things happen for a reason... You see for instance if my dad was still alive he would had to fork out a lot of medical fees especially on my part as i went thru several major operations soon after his death... If i ever got a chance to see him again, the first thing i would say would be sorry. I am so so sorry.....

So guys never wait for the last minute to say sorry to a person cause you might never be able to get the chance to. Same goes when you wanna say I Love You to someone you love cause you'll may never ever get the chance to say it to em' cause it may be just too late...

I guess his death affected me in a way.... when i had to live away from my family my grades dropped, i hated secondary school but then school was the only way i could go out... I became more distant, withdrawn, quieter… I became less active in school activities… I kept thinking life sucked, that It was unfair, why it had to happen to us why not some other ppl… however bad it may seem i was never influenced by the others to take up any bad stuff... the only bad thing i did was play truant once in awhile or coming back very late and saying i have something on in school... An express student on the road to disaster... O levels came and i did badly for it.. i only secured 3 credits which was from two of my fave subject, english and geog... oh and the other was malay, i cant very well fail it can i? I got B3 for those three subjects and in to summarize the other five subjects i got D7 for three of em and F9 for the remaining. Yeap results were very bad and i landed up where else but ITE. ITE was the changing point of my life. I knew mum was dissapointed in me for not during well in O levels so i promised my self to work hard and get into poly. I was active in school activities and friends i made there was the best thing that has every happened to me. As months and years passed I grew a lot. I became more comfortable in being myself and learned how to look at life In a different more positive perspective. So here i am now a student in TP studying law and mgmt. Dont really know why i am in law alto it IS interesting, my interest actually lies somewhere else (those who knows me know exactly wat it is). But then thru the years i learned that god places us in situations that may benefit us in the future even tho we may dont like it intially. Things happen for reason and i guess everything i've went through for the past 7 years has thought me to be who I am today…

I don’t have a pic of my whole family together so this will have to do…
My Family…

me, mum, sis and dad

Ladies of the House (97/98)

one of my ITE memories

||:PreCiouS:||
3/13/2004 02:56:00 AM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.