Sunday, April 25, 2004

it sucks when emotions hit you all at once... and here i'm sitting down here crying trying to stop the tears. Now why i'm crying no one would understand. The shit i've gone thru and put up eversince i've been there. Being laughed at, being the butt of jokes. yeah that's me. Always been always will be. No matter how hard i try it is still the same. How hard i work, how hard i try i'll still be the odd one. I just dont get it. What am i doing wrong. What have i done wrong? Then u see unjust done, u see the unfairness, the biasness, the pretense, u wonder why u are here. I was sent there for one reason. I was sent there cause my mum cldnt possibly support all of us cause she's not working. Mum asked me before if i wanted to come back home but i declined cause even tho how much i wanna come home i couldnt. i was obliged to stay. For my family. I couldnt be a furthur burden. I missed my lil bro growing up, heck i missed all my siblings growing up, going thru diff stages of their lives...i havent been doing wat an elder sis was suppose to do... i suck as an elder sis... i try to make amends, whenever i'm at home i give in, even tho i'm not working i'll try and give em some money when they ask for it... sometimes i realise whatever i'm doing is not enuff... Life hasnt been fair. With all of this going on i got very sick. I went to various operations to get better. Mum was at my hospital bedside everyday... i cant begin to imagine how tired she must be going back and forth...
Wonder why i dont have a best friend? Well i'm not always at one place long enuff to have one. Wat i realise is i always lose ppl i'm close too and then i'm left alone... i've always been a loner... the bookworm... the geek... ppl only come to me when they dont have anyone else to turn to... i'm always the last resort...
Then i learned to pick myself up... to move on... you've gotta look on the bright side rite? tats wat i did... ITE was my salvation. I had my ups and downs but the friends i made there was my salvation... i thank god that i had them at that period of time...
but sometimes... sometimes... emotions come back when its triggered... when lines are crossed... i donno.. sorrie if u think i'm one sensitive biatch... sometimes i'm so messed up... i've been broken so many times tat i donno if i'll mend properly... the feeling of loneliness doesnt help either...

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yhea you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

||:PreCiouS:||
4/25/2004 11:32:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.