Saturday, April 24, 2004

The problem with me...

yes u read it right the first time... the topic for today is the problem with me.
Have you ever been in a situation when everything you do seems to be wrong and every right u try to do ends up with two wrongs? Have you ever dreamed of doing something or better yet even planned to do something but then you're too afraid to do it or you dont even dare to do it? Have you ever been in a situation when everything u do counts from preparations to doing the actual thing and u screwed it all up cause you aint good enuff? Have you ever been in a situation where ppl step all over u but then u say nothing and letting it be? Have you been in a situation when u are with a loved one or in fact any person you're close to and the person looks at you with dissapoinment in their eyes?
... well the list can go on if i let it...
i've never proclaimed to be a perfect person, hell no one is...
ppl make mistakes, i sure hell do make a lot of em...
the thing is sometimes mistakes are not forgotten...
especially painful ones... or even stupid ones...
mistakes that lead me to paths that i did not choose to take...sure everyone has a choice... but not always...
there also mistakes that would never be forgiven....
lets move on to another area...
my mum mentioned this two days ago... she said since i was young i had a creative mind, coming up with loads of ideas and plans... but the thing with me is that i always leave it as that. I always stay in my comfort zone. That was it. I'm always gd at the planning but never the execution of the plan. Now and then i try to get out of my comfort zone and damn does it feel gd, well awkward at first but gd. But then sometimes fear sets in and sometimes u see me still in my comfort zone even now. Remember 040404? one gd example. That's the problem with me sometimes.
Sometimes there comes a point of time when i ask myself who am i really? Who is the real me? Try asking diff ppl about me and diff ans might pop up... there's the noisy crazy me, the v.quiet silent me, the hot tempered me and the mix of everything me. Sometimes its like i put on diff masks at diff times to hide what's really inside and overtime it gets confusing. So when i take down the mask who is the real me? Who is really Nur Azizah? Is she who she is?
With me always being mixed up messed up no wonder i cant seem to find anyone who likes me for me. Seriously name me one person who does. I bet no one would ever dare to fall in love with me cause i'll bet they'll just run in the opposite direction. I would like to see someone try... haha... My life aint exactly what you'll call normal.
Sometimes i wonder why some ppl have high regards on me, high expectations in me... what do they see in me that i dont see? Whenever i look in the mirror i just dont get it. Why these expectations when i've never done anything highly regarded or great in any sense of the word.
The problem with me sometimes is that i'm too trusting and too nice. Well i can be bitchy at times in all sense of the word but my niceness overpowers my bitchiness. Its good in a sense but my niceness is the reason why its so easy for me to be stepped on, to be taken advantage of especially when i'm too trusting that's when i usually get stabbed in the back. Somebody tell me where am i going wrong? What am i doing wrong?
Oh and one more thing have your readings of my blog entries change your perceptions of me? I'm just wondering....

Pls note here that i dont hate me or dislike me... i accept who i am and i like the way i am rite now... this is just a reflection of thoughts... i have more to learn about myself... yes i know negative thinking aint gd but its a gd wake up call and reality check =P
If you hated what u just read you can just click on the 'x' on the top right hand corner...
cheers!

||:PreCiouS:||
4/24/2004 02:01:00 AM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.