Saturday, May 29, 2004

Life is one big stage
And it's all the rage
To go walking out
To take a bow

See me roam
See me climb
If I leave here now
I can make good time
See me fall
See me rise
Grabbing one last look
Then I wave goodbye…………

Light shines on my face
But I need my space
I've been feeling blue
How bout you?
Now this bird has flown
Like I've always known it would
Maybe someday soon
You'll be flying too

See me roam
See me climb
If I leave here now
I can make good time
See me fall
See me rise
Grabbing one last look
Then I wave goodbye

You try you try to hold on
Too late
Too late I'm gone

Life's a stage
It's all the rage
The curtains raised
I'm coming out

Life's a stage
The curtains raised
I'm coming out
Life's a stage
The curtains raised
I'm coming out

See me roam
See me climb
If I leave here now
I can make good time
See me fall
See me rise
Grabbing one last look
Then I wave goodbye

You try you try to hold on
Too late
Too late

You try you try to hold on
Too late
Too laaaaaaaaaaaaate

It's too late I'm gone

||:PreCiouS:||
5/29/2004 06:20:00 PM
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Friday, May 28, 2004

Troy

I guess a lot of peeps have watched this movie. Actually when this movie first came out i was reluctant to go catch it cause i figured it was another war movie.
Well when tania invited me to go watch it with her, ds and vit i agreed cause maybe why not, should give it a shot since i've heard good reviews about it.. when i say gd review i do not mean the guys that some girls drool over... *rolls eyes* (i actually wanted orlando bloom to die muahaha =P)
yes well anyways the storyline is the basic trojan story and about war.


war


all the pain and suffering because of one's man greed for power, fame or sometimes revenge. Doesnt matter what century it is, what era it is, what civilsation it is, it all comes down to the same thing. Some ppl fight for their kings and leaders they have never even met. Some ppl fight for things they are lead to belive in which is not true...
some may argue without war countries wouldnt have been conqured, without war people wont know ther place...

well...

i guess there's different view to every story, every war.
In the end war teaches you something. The mistakes the fallen empires had made. The sacrifices that ppl make. Heros and Legends are born...


but then again...


there's more loss than gain... brothers, fathers, cousins, uncles, they all fall and their families are left with grief. All the unnecessary pain and suffering.


Things do happen for a reason. For everything that happens God knows what he is doing so have faith in him.

Now why in the world am i talking about wars? i donno i guess it just triggered something in my mind =P but dont get me wrong i am against wars. Well anyways for those who havent catch troy go catch it, it's worth every cent =P

and i leave you now with a song...


Where Is The Love?

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

Now ask yourself
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)

||:PreCiouS:||
5/28/2004 10:53:00 PM
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Thursday, May 27, 2004

Sometimes in life, in whatever you do, in whatever situation you are in, in whatever position you are in, whatever your actions are, whatever you have said, you've gotta take a step back and take a look at the other side, see the broader view, try and feel what the other side feels cause it will do you some good.

When we fail to pause and take a step back and disaster struck you fail to see what actually went wrong... then in common human nature the blame is pointed on the other party. and from there the same mistake will be done, the same comments will be made, the same problems will come back and that's where you should notice that there's something wrong somewhere.
But then in some cases, a person fails to see what it is that's wrong and they keep coming up with the same excuses and would expect ppl to feel sorry for them.

One thing i belive in life and i learnt is that one should take ownership in the things he does.
When you do something or make a decision and something goes wrong, you should take ownership cause it was your actions, your decisions. When you say something and ppl get offended, take ownership cause it was your words that hurt their feelings, put yourself in their shoes how would you feel if the words were put to you? Same goes when you do something and it offends someone, same thing applies.

A cowards' way out is always to blame other ppl for their actions and mistakes cause to them what they did was within reason, blame the other ppl for not being to able to have a sense of humor and not be like them, but then what gave you the right to judge or to tell a person how they should feel. God didnt create everyone to be the same. Everyone is different.

Taking ownership sounds simple but how many ppl can actually do that? It takes a brave person to take ownership....


So then.. are you brave enough?
















so if you are brave enough then what is the next step? Taking ownership is not just taking it, bitch abt it a lil bit and then leaving it like that...

sometimes you've gotta

make amends and learn from the mistake/suggestions/opnions as to put it to good use...

what's your take on this?

||:PreCiouS:||
5/27/2004 03:21:00 AM
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Hmm..
well...
i suppose some are waiting for me to blog abt my Black Eyed Peas concert experience since both nad and mel have blogged about it... well i'll save the oohs and the ahhs cause you can read about all tat in mel's and nad's blog... my take on it is simply.. i had a lot of fun! well besides the fact i was mostly dancing on my own since the other two was most of the time seated especially tat someone who was so concentrating on the stage.. i swear if laser beams could come out from the eyes the stage would be on fire =P
well anyways yea... the best time i ever had since... well since supercamp i guess.. its been a long time simce i danced hehe... well tats dat...

then the next day was Sing to the Dawn by TP's DramaTec. Wonderful direction by the the director and newly appointed DramaTec president Miss Ramkumar Kabetha Bai =D Storyline was gd, actually this is the 2nd time i'm watching Sing to the Dawn and i've always loved the story so no qualms over this area, well actually to sum it all up the production was gd.. except tat.. the stage shld be elevated cause i for one kept straining my neck to actually see the stage so it was kinda more like listening then watching.. other then tat it was all gd =) pat on the back to all cast and crew of the production...(and yes amin the dance was superb, very graceful =D )
gee two performances in two days.. not bad... i think i could do this as a living =P but then reality bites... sigh...

I'm worried... something feels wrong.. like something's not right... like there's something i'm forgetting... something that i should be doing but am not doing it... and the brilliant thing is i dont know what. I know this feeling is quite common and they say it will come to you in time.. the thing that worries me i hope when it does come to me, it wouldnt be too late... or maybe... just maybe... i'm not doing enough work like i should be doing more cause my workload seems lighter after delegating it... gosh i must be going crazy...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/27/2004 01:38:00 AM
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Sunday, May 23, 2004

You know how sometimes a song just makes you smile whenever you listen to it. Yeah its happening to me... Everytime i listen to clay aiken's The way i cant stop smiling (oh and i do see me ppl looking at me strangely) haha... anyways...

I guess no matter what you do, no matter right or wrong ppl will still talk. One thing that i've known all this while is that you cant please everyone. I guess i'm one of those who want and will try and please everyone and actually take to heart what ppl say... and all this while what i've been doing is wrong. I cant please everyone, i shouldnt take in whatever ppl say to heart. Everyone has their own opinion and views and i respect that. I guess i'm now at a point where i'm looking at life in a different perspective. I'm growing up.
Changing oneself aint such a bad thing actually.. somehow it takes off a burden outta my mind.. =)


******************


The head and the heart actually feels lighter when that certain someone is no longer in your heart and mind. I've finally decided to let go and just allow wherever the winds of fate takes me.
So who was that someone? Well i'm guessing some of you think its someone from school.. well actually i made everyone think that cause to their minds eye it is believeable so i let everyone ride along it.....
in fact actually its not someone from school... it was someone i met along the course of my attachement in NUS. No i wont say anything more except that we've lost contact and no i'm not gonna answer any question that may be posed by you guys.
Was reflecting on this and funny what came to mind about all this...




















no wonder i'm good in the game of bluff =P


cheerios!

It's a different world and I'm a different girl.
All the rain and all the pain, I hope it's for the good
Cause I know I'll never be the same.
These are things that made me change,
I hope it's for the good
cause I know I'll never be the same.
Pray the lord my soul to keep.
I try to hang on to the best of me
But changes keep on changing me.
I just want to love who I turn out to be

- something by me =)

||:PreCiouS:||
5/23/2004 09:03:00 PM
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Friday, May 21, 2004

so now why in the world am I still blogging?
good question.
I guess I have a lot stuff in my mind...

well today another friend told me that I should be more aggresive and kinda like use my leadership power that I have cause ppl not respecting me and stuff.. erm well that's not the actual words but something like tat lah...
frankly speaking the comment I get is not uncommon. I get that a lot. I've been stepped on and pushed around alot. Some ppl do that without even realising it but hey I'm ok with it, cause I'm used to it. And to add to that I'm always submissive... I guess the way I work with ppl I don't like to act all authoritive cause I prefer working with ppl rather then looking at it like I'm in charge and they shld listen to me. That's not the way I work. That's not the way I see things, but sometimes ppl think to take it differently and I get alot of heat because of that, ppl get frustrated or irritated by me, yes i'll get upset for a bit then question my capabilities and stuff but I take no offence in what ever ppl might say cause diff ppl have diff views and I respect that =) I'll take into consideration what ppl say and if I see where the prob lies i'll change, I'm open to change, to any constructive criticism cause I'm here to learn, to be better at what I do, to gain from experience.

Now we come to another point.. Jealousy... haha.. Well I'm not a jealous type of person, like for instance when I used to like a person (emphasis on the word used to, haha.. yea I'm basically now crushless... wahaha well anyways..) when I see em' getting attached to another person or anything else ppl sometimes try to get me to feel jealous,I just don't =P cause firstly the person was never mine to begin with for that matter so why in the world should I get jealous even if I do like the person?
Or take for another situation when someone gets more credit for the work that I mostly did, yes its unfair in a way but I still don't get jealous cause I know that i've put in my efforts and whatever I do is never for recognition...
so now what i notice is that unconciously i get easily jealous when friendships are concerned. I donno why but yea... its something like when i find out one of my friend communicates more with another friend rather then me and then me finding out that i'm just a friend by default and the friend will only talk to me out of duty or how do i put it.. erm.. obliged to... sometimes out of pity...
gee...
just wat i needed to know...
so sometimes i question myself... where do i stand in friendships? Am i your friend? A friend who is just there when you are bored? A friend when you have no one else to turn to? A friend by default? or simply put am i just an aquiantance? seen today gone tomorrow... =P
*sigh*
so what's new... my doubts and uncertainty will always remain as that cause i bet no one is gonna ever ans my questions how do i know? cause nobody ever does.. just take a look at my tagboard, it aint moving at all, ppl who read dont tag, i know of those ppl but i wonder why they dont ever tag.. hmm.. dont want me to find out that ure reading my blog huh? well *Surprise surprise* i know.

Then there's also another thing...

What happened to happy-go-lucky, loud, talkative me?
That me has been gone eversince my early sec sch days. Buried together with painful memories. well it surfaces once in awhile when i'm high on caffine or the lack of food in my stomach but sometimes its buried so deep that sometimes ppl say to the extent that i'm stuck up because i'm too quiet and keep to myself.

So will that part of me come back? Rise from the dead? hmm.. the chance of that happening looks bleak... life so far hasnt been upbeat, relaxing and carefree. Maybe someday when my worries are lesser, when things are settled... but for now even that looks bleak...

so who am i now? with one side of me ripped out... where does that leave me?

i guess certain things that happen have their consequences, have their good points and bad...

things happen for a reason...

a simple sentence that which in fact means alot and something i believe in cause whatever had happened had thought me alot, made me stronger, gained me experiences that i would never thought imagined, opportunities that i would have missed out on, operation costs that my family would have never been able to afford, knowledge on the reality of life...

basically...

i wouldnt be where i am today...

i wouldnt have been who am i today...

each day is a miracle itself...

why do i say that? if only u knew... nah i wont tell... no point in telling,
my prob, my pain, i'll deal with it. no use having u guys talk abt it =P


You know sometimes how ppl say, "i wouldnt know what to do if i was you", "i could have never be able to go through all that", etcetc...

well..

sometimes what i feel is that they are just words, words that ppl are compelled to say, cause i believe when a person is put in a situation that hard and unnerving they can get through it, even if now they say they cant imagine themselves in that position and go through with it, the thing is god dont put you thru situation that he thinks you cant handle.

I especially hate it when ppl say... i know exactly how you feel... fine i'll respect that if you've actually gone thru it but saying it when u dont know the slightest idea what really is going on, without even going thru with it urself? How do u actually know how it feels like? Why give words that has no meaning to it?


I guess why i've not been opening up whenever anybody ask me am i ok or what's wrong is because i personally feel that its my prob and i should deal with it furthermore sometimes well sometimes.. erm nvm... well yea it wont help me much cause its gonna tax me more but basically i'm finding it hard now to say anything... so i blog... and when i blog it only helps a fraction of the whole percentage...

i guess i've said enough for now...

gd nite...


god bless...

salute...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/21/2004 12:29:00 AM
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Thursday, May 20, 2004

Someone told me that i should not blog as much as i usually do, reason because it makes me more depressed...
hmm... i didnt know that my entries were that depressing...
but i guess in a way i should stop blogging as much as i do cause sometimes ppl know much more abt me then i know abt myself...
Life has its ups and downs, trials and tribulations, sometimes i find comfort in blogging, funny... ppl usually find comfort in another person and i find comfort in something that is not real... pathetic i say but then what choice do i have? I find it so hard to talk anybody now, seems pointless...
well been busy with a lot of stuff and no i wont list em' out, yes i'm tired, yes i'm shagged but someone's gotta do it =P been getting a lot of heat and critism but its all good, cause yes it is frustrating at times but if you really look at in a different a way it is constructive cause it makes you wanna do better.
But then sometimes what makes it hard when your hardest critique is yourself.

hmm.. this entry aint that cheerful either haha...

well got no happy thoughts to blog abt rite now...

gotta admit i'm really tired right now...

need sleep haha... so wats new =)

||:PreCiouS:||
5/20/2004 07:39:00 PM
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Been refraining myself from going online.. but since i have to be online right now might as well =P

Well the day before (monday) had a MG2 mtg at the esplanade, we watched a dvd, it was an agatha cristie adaptation, the title of the movie was murder on the oriental express if i was not wrong... well i actually came late cause i had to see my supervisor and guardian regarding some issues that needed to be settled when i was away... anyways the movie was good... so after tat some had to go off and the rest of us had dinner at marina square... well after tat... all i can say is that we had to do some hard labour =P

well today started out busy.. woke up to the sound of the staff's nagging, did my chores then had to go online for a meeting, well the meeting was scheduled at 8am but then i couldnt use the office comp cause one of the staff was using it so i only got to go online at 9.30am.. so the mtg went on and i was suppose to have a mtg in sch at 11 but then i had to push it to an hour later haha...
well the meeting in school went well...
that's basically the start of my day until it became bad.. bad then to worse...
well some stuff happened which i dont feel like telling right now.. but thank god i met up with nad and mel soon after cause basically managed to turn around my mood... initally mel suggested goin to the playgrd but then as we were walking i said i'm getting sick and tired of the east (well i was angry and frustrated at the moment) so we decided to take the train and head uptown...
well on the train ride nad's mum called so it ended up with us meeting nad's mum at swensens for dinner. So the rest of the evening we basically chilled and talked and laughed.. so it was all gd...
hmm.. basically tat's a summary of wat happened today...

hmm... i feel like there's more i wanna blog abt but i'm very tired right now...

till the next entry =P

cheers!

||:PreCiouS:||
5/19/2004 12:26:00 AM
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Sunday, May 16, 2004

Take Me Away

I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do

[Chorus:]
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

[Chorus]

I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)

[Chorus]

Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away

||:PreCiouS:||
5/16/2004 05:02:00 PM
||||

so what have i been doing?
hmm... friday i had two meetings so i was in school frm morning till late afternoon... and after tat decided to walk all the way home... i just felt like walking.. so i walked thru the field, the market and then the park.. there were alot of changes the last time i walked all the way back home.. well.. not suprising tho i havent been ard my neighbourhood much... to date its already been ard 15 years since my family have been living here.. the path i took as i walked back home tat evening was the path i used to take when i ran errands for my mum like going to to the wet market and shops to buy groceries and stuff... well that was then when i was permanently living at home... a lot of childhood memories went thru my mind... there were so many changes around that it all looks different... shows how much i havent been ard... *sigh* i should walk ard the neighbourhood more often or i'll may just get lost in my own neighbourhood =P

Well today i accomponied my yongest bro to the zoo. His school organised a parent-child learning trail in the zoo they called it the tampines safari or something like tat... since my mum couldnt make it, i agreed to go in her place cause i didnt want my bro to miss the trip to the zoo.
We had fun going ard the zoo to look for the designated stations and complete the activities required but just tat there were some stuff that my bro wanted to do that he couldnt cause of the shortage of time.. they only gave us 2hrs and 45mins for the whole thing.. sigh.. so i told my bro we'll do it the next time we go.. but i wonder when that will be... haiz...

So after the trip basically i crashed at home cause i was exhausted and well spent the remaining hours of the day in 'my' room slacking and did some stuff that needed attending too... slacking doesnt mean no work is being done... just tat its being done at v.slow speed =P

When i was sitting at the zoo auditorium just now waiting for the de-briefing to end i started to think about identity. Mine basically. I've been called by diff ppl by diff names... well it is my name but its what they usually call me... diff grps of ppl know me or call me differently. There's Azizah, zizah, izah, zizie, azi, az or if they have fascination for names like xuan its Hazizah (go figure =P) its like with the diff grp of ppl i'm like a diff person. Like in ITE i'm usually called izah or zizah but in poly ppl wld usually call me azi... and the impact that i get on how my name is called varies... it may sound funny but whenever i'm with my ITE friends i feel more grown up and when i'm with my poly friends i dont... ok maybe its the age difference but i dont think so cause in ITE i'm the yongest among my friends but tat's not the case in poly... gee.. i'm confusing u aren't i? =P Haiz maybe if i can pull my train of thoughts together u'll understand better so i'll talk abt this someother time then...

Hmm.. ok my eyes are now crying for mercy.. need rest.. so gonna take a shower and sleep =P

cheers!

||:PreCiouS:||
5/16/2004 01:26:00 AM
||||

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Quizzes


Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla



You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

||:PreCiouS:||
5/15/2004 12:05:00 AM
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Friday, May 14, 2004

tried to not blog today but couldnt resist =P

been taking early morning/late night showers nowadays...
i know its bad for the health but for one thing the nights have been so damn hot...

you know how sometimes no matter how many showers you take you can never seem to cool off...

but it aint because of the heat outside... but more of what's going on inside...
sometimes no matter how many showers you take, no matter how much you scrub yourself raw you still dont feel clean.. you still feel that you need to scrub some more.. scrub away your problems... scrub away the pain...
sometimes no matter how long you stand under the shower, altho the water soothes you, it just aint enough.. you just wanna stand there and let your problems flow down your body with the water down the drain..
sometimes you just wanna stay under the shower let the water soothe you and not come out until ur skin starts to wrinkle, that when you know its time to come out...

well at least its one way...

nowadays i dont feel like talking much. What's the point? Why bother ppl with things they do not need to be concern with. It doesnt help anymore... i'm back to the bottling... talking seem pointless... there are other ppl more troubled then me so why shld i even say anything... *Sigh*

and i still need that vacation.. but as it turns out not surprisingly i cant afford it... so here i am stuck where i usually am with work to be done which i appreciate very much cause i rather be doing work then waste away into oblivion and kill my brain cells in the process =P

oh and nad.. no i wont sign up for SI... i prefer to be the behind the scenes kinda person, the supporter =P will be supporting kay and mel all the way! like i will stand a chance with her and mel joining =P maybe in 10 yrs time when i'm too old for it..well if 30 is considered old =P or maybe in my dreams hehe... =P


the song tat i'm into rite now...
click here!

||:PreCiouS:||
5/14/2004 01:41:00 AM
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Thursday, May 13, 2004

i guess a lot of people are fed up with me
i got a feeling that a lot of ppl are pissed...
might as well quit everything
makes everyone happier...










but then i'm not a quitter...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/13/2004 01:45:00 AM
||||

Tests...

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

||:PreCiouS:||
5/13/2004 12:56:00 AM
||||

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Running away

If only i could run away
run away and never look back
run away and never stop
run away to a place where
no one can ever find me
lost from civilisation
a place where i wont have to feel
a place where i wont know anyone
a place where tears are not known
a place where the heart is free
a place where i can be me
and not know the meaning of pain
not know the meaning of loss
not know the meaning of grief
not know the meaning of guilt
where there will only be love
where there will only be faith
where there will only be peace
where there will only be solace
but for now it will just exist in dreams
dream of a dream
that will never be mine...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/12/2004 07:44:00 PM
||||

I had enough
whenever things are going fine
whenever things are calm
you had to start it
why did you have to do it
dont you see where our problems are?
We are not like before
you may think every single damn thing is fine
but it is not
it is not....
finances are bad
we are sinking in quicksand
and you still think life is easy
you still think that life is all made of the pretty things
when are you gonna open your eyes?
when are you gonna open your eyes to see where we are?
Take a look around
see the big picture
we may still have a roof over our heads
at least we have food to make it thru the day
but when do you think all of this will last?
....
Then you begin to start
how a burden everything is
i'm sorry that i cant help you more
what do you want me to do?
give up my education?
i cant go on like this
i cant go on thinking that everythings my fault
because thats how i feel like everytime you say something
everytime i move on you pull me down
everytime i move on things just happen
why???
I just feel so god damn useless
nothing i do seems to be right
I just wish somehow i have support
someone who could be there when i'm down
cause i cant go to you anymore
i just cant bring myself to...
it hurts so much
it hurts so bloody much
you dont know some of the things i submit to
the things i do to make things better
and i dont have anyone to turn to
i dont have anyone...
I'm just so tired now..
there's to much guilt in me
its too much that i can hardly breathe
why is it when everything seems fine
it is just an onset of what to come?
With all this in my head
do you think school's a breeze?
my grades arent showing
i worry too much that my grades are suffering
Do you think i like what's happening?
no matter how hard i study
i get messed up
i screw up
and ppl keep saying i'm better then that
i know i'm better then that
but i'm only human
i only have one head, one heart and too many thoughts
maybe this is how my life is suppose to be
i might as well be dead
it would be better for everyone
maybe none of this would have happen
its like i did not even exist
a life better for everyone
but then i tell myself that i've gotta stay strong
i gotta keep on moving
keep on trying
cause i have no one that i can depend on
god gave me this life
and i aint gonna throw it back in his face
Maybe my day will come
maybe not now
well hopefully before i'm dead
dont tell me shit that i'm gonna live a full life
cause i know better
it may not be full in years
but i'm gonna make sure its full with how i lead my life
you may keep pulling me down
but i promise myself
no matter what
i'll pull myself back up again...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/12/2004 07:16:00 PM
||||

Well.. so they called last night.. asked me how i was and stuff... asked me when i'm coming back there... haha.. yea.. i've been purposely delaying my going back there... why? hell i'll be bored to death if i go back there... but in the midst of panic i said i'll be going back today. wahaha... serves me right.
well anyways look at the bright side, my concession pass is expiring tomorrow and i need money cause i'm bankrupt and they are holding on to my pocket money.. so yea.. back to that place today i suppose.. *sigh*

The cemp mtg yesterday was productive i guess. The thing is as i began to look closely at the calender, the semesteral dates, the hols and the exam period, there's actually not much time to do the fund raising if we want the camp to be in November. Hmm.. but i'm confident we can make it. IF everyone do what they are suppose to do.

Yesterday was the first Domain of Death II mtg. I guess it went well. Really liked the concept and stuff. Just hope it wont be like the first one. Honestly the first one didnt go too well with the delays, hiccups and stuff. Hopefully we learn from the past mistakes and we'll be able to do a better job at it. =)

After the mtgs nad and me called up mel asking him if he was free. So yea he came down, we met him at TM. Went for lunch, played arcade for awhile then we basically slacked at coffee bean. So we chatted and crapped about stuff. But it was all good. We sat for there for like 4 hrs plus? haha.. yea... i didnt realise that until now... =P

Argh found out mel watched Van Helsing already! And i thought all of us are suppose to watch it together... ... .... great... now who am i gonna watch it with????? Now why i do i see myself watching it alone... fine... again.. ARGH...

And now nad keeps bugging me to join Singapore Idol.

..... ^_^'

rite...

haha... me join SI? that would be the day. Nah i dont think i will. I'm not what do you call it.. on par with the ppl who are going to join. I think if I were to go the judges will go like.. "NEXT!" wahaha... Maybe someday in the very FAE FAE future, Emphasis on the word FAR =P. For now i'll just stick to singing to myself.. wahaha... =P

||:PreCiouS:||
5/12/2004 01:43:00 PM
||||

SoNg Of The Day

Here's a song i feel personally about.. so just wanna share it with you guys... cheers!

"Stronger"

I'll make it through the rainy days
I'll be the one who stands here longer than the rest
When my landscape changes, rearranges
I'll be stronger than i've ever been
No more stillness, more sunlight,
Everything's gonna be alright

I know that there's gonna be a change
Better find your way out of your fear
If you wanna come with me
Then that's the way it's gotta be
I'm all alone and finally
I'm getting stronger
You'll come to see
Just what I can be
I'm getting stronger

Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that's been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations,
I overcome it day by day,
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that's what i'm looking for

[Bridge]
[Chorus]

I didn't know what I had to do
I just knew I was alone
People around me
But they didn't care
So I searched into my soul
I'm not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
It's not my style
I get by
See i'm gonna do this for me

||:PreCiouS:||
5/12/2004 02:09:00 AM
||||

Une Entrée Française
(A French Entry)


je me demande pourquoi i'm mettant vers le haut de cette entrée en français. Comme d'habitude fou je n'a rien à mieux faire. Peut-être je ne devrais pas employer le français puisqu'un bon nombre de gens apprennent cette langue à l'école... Nevermind bon que je continuerai... hmm...

i've a obtenu d'admettre quelque chose...


Je pense toujours i'm dans l'amour...


Dans l'amour avec qui ?

Je ne pense pas la parole d'i'll. Améliorez pas.
N'importe comment beaucoup j'essayent de nier le fait, le sentiment demeure toujours. gee... quel temps pour parler de lui. Je pense si la personne savait qu'il ne me parlera jamais. That's bon habituellement le cas. D'une manière je me suis toujours senti comme i'm maudit. Jamais chanceux dans le département d'amour. Peut-être je devrais découvrir si les sentiments sont mutuels en premier lieu mais alors poulet d'i'm trop pour faire cela. Crainte de la conséquence.
Ainsi bien que mes sentiments immobile demeurent moi doivent passer avec ma vie. Pourquoi attardez-vous ? There's a obtenu d'être plus à la vie étant alors dans l'amour.

Je me demande si les gens peuvent traduire cette entrée entière qui ils penserait i'm refering... que je devine que certains penseront immédiatement l'évident. Mais est-il alors l'évident vraiment l'évident ?
Je pense que je devrais suivre ce que je prêche et pousse de côté ce que jamais les sentiments j'ont de côté et concentrent sur les tâches que je dois faire. Aucune utilisation pensant à une telle substance. Ainsi donc cette entrée au sujet de l'amour sera la dernière entrée que j'écrirais jamais concernant cette matière.

Juste une autre chose. Est-ce que je suis ce une personne dure à parler à ? Parfois je me demande juste. Est-ce que c'il est difficile de me parler ? Ou est-il parce qu'i'm n'intéressant pas assez ? Alors pourquoi ne me parlez-vous pas ? Parfois je me sens si invisible... même à un point où je me sens inférieur...

Peut-être i'm étant juste paranoïde. Je ne sais pas.


and i wonder if my grammer is correct =P
or does all of it makes sense?
Hmm... some of the words do not seem correct when its published... well...
wahaha...
at least i understand what the hell i'm trying to say...
my advice to u guys dont attempt to translate. It will only give you a huge fat headache =P
Well that actually the point of the entry...
wahaha... =P
*Evil grin*

||:PreCiouS:||
5/12/2004 01:14:00 AM
||||

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

SoNg Of ThE Day

Someone Like Me

Don't let your head rule you heart
Don't let your world be torn apart
Don't keep it all to yourself
Just let all your emotions run free with someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me

I know Its hard when you're feeling down
To lift your feet up off the ground
We make mistakes but doesn't everybody
You don't always have to agree with someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me

We know the story so far (what you want and who you are)
What you want and who you are (Free)
Let all your emotions run free
You don't always have to agree
With someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me
Someone like me

||:PreCiouS:||
5/11/2004 02:09:00 AM
||||

Was watching a walk to remember just now well in between survivor that is =P and the thing about this movie is that it always leave me teary eyed. But then i began to think... will such a guy exist on this side of reality... well... as pessimistic as it sounds i dont think so cause i have yet to meet such a guy... well i know one of two guys that i know are really sweet but they are often overshadowed by the majority who are lets just say not my kind of guy. Lets just face it. Nothing is ever perfect in this world. Stuff like this only happen in the movies. Any chance of any of it ever happening to me... well lets just say its a big fat hopeless. I dont see myself in any of the scenarios cause i aint that lucky. Never was. Never will be. I'm the kind of gal guys tend to stay away from. Ask me why and i'll say "beats me". Its kinda unwritten somewhere in my fate i guess. The day that someone actually falls in love with me.. well lets just say i'll never see that coming =P
But then that's not what life is all about. Its about family ties, friendships, faith, hope, and love. Doesnt necessarily someone doesnt love you back it means nothing. Take pride that you can love. Your ability to love itself is a gift. Treasure it.

Well then lets move on...

Survivor. Well not surprisingly Amber won. I knew if Rob played it more strategicly and had brought Jenna forward he would have won. But well.. "love" played apart in his decision... well he lost a million bucks but in fact he won. Cause in the end he had Amber. The thing is money aint everything. Relationships is something that stays with no matter what.

And there's this other thing where i think gals cant make up their god damn minds. Wait. Well i'm a gal.. hmm... ok not all gals. some gals. They cant make up their own freakin minds. So what the heck am i refering to? I'm refering to the show Eye for A Guy. The gal chose Silvert but then in the end we found out she changed her mind and is now dating Mark? Whaawhat? A Sudden change of heart? or was it all just for the cameras? well it does not only apply here. Stuff like this, the ficklemindedness also appears in reality. Where ever you go you see this happening. Especially if you go shopping! Argh! I'm going like cant you decide already???? You dont spend half an hour in a shop and testing or trying anything in sight for more then half an hour and then buy nothing... gee... I seriously pity the guys who have to follow their girlfriends every where and wait on them hand and foot =P

||:PreCiouS:||
5/11/2004 12:26:00 AM
||||

Monday, May 10, 2004

Argh! Blogger has a new layout! I want the old layout back!

....

*sigh*

change. It always have to happen when you least expect it... now must get used to it... arggghhh! =P

Well came across this malay song lyric(well i'm not actually sure if it is a song lyric in the first place cause i dont listen to malay songs that much neither do i know who sang this song...) in one of my friend's blog, really like the lyrics... well it meant something to me at least.. would love to translate for those of you who dont understand malay but unfortunately i suck at malay translations cause my malay aint that gd =P But i can tell u that the title means Secrets of the Heart... =P

Rahsia Hati

Waktu terus berlalu
Tanpa kusadari yang ada hanya
Aku dan kenangan
Masih teringat jelas
Senyum terakhir yang kau beri untukku
Tak pernah ku mencuba
Dan tak ingin ku mengisi hati ku
Dengan cinta yang lain
Kan kubiarkan ruang hampa didalam hidupku

Bila aku harus mencintai dan
Berbagi hati itu hanya denganmu
Namun bila ku harus tanpamu
Akan tetap ku harungi hidup tanpa bercinta

Hanya dirimu yang pernah tenangkanku
Dalam pelukmu saat ku menangis

The thing about my malay is that it is so sucky that as i read back on this lyrics, i dont understand what the hell it is trying to say.. it kinda dont make sense.. the grammer and stuff =P I only understood the first paragraph which actually means something to me.. for the rest part of it.. well lets just makes me sick =P What some ppl might call it too "jiwang" erm to translate it erm... too lovey dovey i think, ask somebody else to translate if you want the proper meaning =P well.. reason why i dont listen to malay songs that much cause loads of em are very "jiwang".. Especially if you come across their music videos... eww... *faints* =P

+++++++++++++++

Man i wanna go cycling... guys when are we going to east coast? is the outing still on cause till now NO news! *sigh* i think my last resort is to go on my own... might as well do it myself instead of waiting until god knows when... Seriously, lemme know when you guys decide. =)

++++++++++++++

Something suddenly comes to mind.. why i never talk abt anything regarding law inc? well... hmm... if i say anything i bet i'm gonna get a trashing cause there's like this unspoken law that you dont go around talking about such stuff... like must protect image lah, etc, etc... *sigh* but we got nothing to hide what. The thing is we are a student interest grp. We represent our student body, we serve the student body. Shouldnt they know what goes on?
Take for e.g this scenario where i ask a couple of students this question...

"Do you know who is in Law Inc?" and the usual answers you will get lets say for e.g a yr 1 student, "oh i only know the ones frm yr 1s which is you, mx and bertram." then you ask again..

"Dont you know the other members from yr 2s?" their ans will be, "urm.. no.. i dont know the ppl frm yr 2s"

*me stumped*

i ask myself... isnt there something wrong somewhere? How come the students themselves do not know who are the ppl who "serves" them? Isnt there something wrong with this ongoing system?

Take another scenario where i ask another student this question...

"Heyz why are you not going for this event?" the typical answer that i get...
"Oh dont want lah, not intrested" or it would be "i busy lah got a lot of things to do... dont see the point of it..."

again *me stumped*

Arent these events that are organised for the students? Why the few turnouts? Why the lact of interest? There's definitely something wrong somewhere.
I'm just being honest here. The conversations are all true accounts.
Maybe i know where its going wrong. But for now there's nothing i can do about it except putting in my best and reach out to the masses, well not masses more like the student body =P Hopefully things will improve in the next academic year and past mistakes are learnt...

Well i still have my sunshine camp to look forward too! Even thou its postponed i'm glad i stil have ppl intrested in this project. Well new approach in the camp needs to be thought up so mtg the main comm ppl and fund raising comm tmr =) FYI for those who donno what sunshine camp is about, its basically a camp where we get to interact with kids from the diff orphanages in singapore, kinda like giving back to the community, letting these kids basically have fun cause i personally know how boring it can get in the orphanages. =)

Gonna have an individual evaluation anytime this coming weeks and i think i can predict what's mine gonna be like. I dont interact much with the lecturer in charge. I have no events that i was incharge of so i so called didnt get a chance to "prove" myself, heck whatever that means but it doesnt matter to me actually cause events arent everything cause in the end its how you serve the student body... Well in my views i'm not much of a PR & Publicity secretary cause everytime an event has low or not so gd turnout, basically I get screwed cause publicity always gets the blame, and this is not assumptions cause this i what i personally hear... well i can bring up my own defence but i rather not say anything here. Lets just say i take ownership. Maybe it is my fault for the lack of strong publicity... Anyways i see myself more like the behind the scenes person which i dont actually mind. I'm there whenever help is needed and i volunteer when i think ppl would need my help. KInda the main reason why i wanted to join law inc frm the start. (oh for those of you who didnt know i'm not an original law inc member, i was a very late addition =P) Oh and on the PR side i do promote law inc to students.. but more like a one on one kind of thing cause to me its more personal =D
Actually all in all law inc is a gd experince, learned a lot bout myself and stuff. I do hope all i've said are not viewed negatively. Nothing in this world is perfect. Mistakes are made and learnt from, there's always room for improvements.
(ok think i'm seriously gonna get it for airing my views here.. but seriously wat's wrong with that? ok i should shuddup now...)


Hmm.. i think i've said too much already in this entry =P well goin off to do some brainstorming for some upcoming stuff... =P

Cheerios!

||:PreCiouS:||
5/10/2004 03:34:00 PM
||||

Celebrating special occasions

Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day, etc,etc.. why wait for these days to come to appreciate and pay tribute to your love ones? Shouldnt that happen every single day? Why wait until this so called "special" day to come before you apologize for your bad behaviour and thank them for everything they have done for you and tell them you love em? What if you wait to do all these on this "special" day and its too late... There will always be tomorrows but what makes you so sure that you or anyone for that matter will get to see tomorrow? What makes you so sure that the next time the occasion comes up your love ones will still be there, well anyone for that matter including you. I'm not being pessimistic here, just trying to state a fact of life. We are all but temporary figures on this earth. Life is unpredictable, you'll never know when it will be your last, that's why they say life is precious. I'm sure everyone has at least one regret in their lives and i bet that one regret will have something to do with a love one. Take for example me. One of my regrets was never getting really close to my dad, never getting the chance to say i'm sorry and for not getting to see him alive for the last time... Something i will have to live with my whole life...
We always think positively, telling ourselves things will get better, that there will always be next time, that there will always be tomorrow, there will always be another opportunity... but in fact sometimes we are not that lucky... life as they say is unpredicatable. Your love one could be fine today and gone tomorrow...
Never ever take for granted what you have cause nothing is permanent... Dont wait for tomorrows... Live for today... Dont tell your love ones that you love em only on special occasions... tell em everyday... altho it may sound stupid to some of you, it actually makes a difference in their lives... Go ahead and celebrate special occasions as you deem fit but dont always use it as an excuse to wait to tell someone how much they mean to you...


A lifetime's past since yesterday
Still I am no farther than before
Through all the roads and paths we walked
Endless nights alone we talked
Those miles will never mean a thing

Sometimes life can be so hard
You do your best and still you're scarred
I like you better than myself
And on this point we disagree
You give your love, you're never free

Have you got time for faded words
I've somethin' here you haven't heard
Wish to hell I could of told the truth
Well, there's all these words I couldn't say
A lifetime's past and gone away
Still I am no farther than before

||:PreCiouS:||
5/10/2004 12:12:00 AM
||||

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Dedicated to you....

Tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
I will be here..

||:PreCiouS:||
5/09/2004 12:58:00 AM
||||

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Well i got sick of tag-board server always being down so ta-dah! (note to the blur ppl: pls refer to the column on the right) i got a shout box instead! so feel free to tag whenever for whatever =P oh if u want to direct your comments to a paticular entry scroll to the end of the entry and beside where i sign off there's this link called comments.. repeat after me co-mments... haha... yes u can write your comments there =P
Well my day at legal aid bereau... well... it was intresting but boring at the same time.. why boring? well cause all i did was sit there and observe ppl and i absolutely did nothing. na-da. zip. zero. =P the intresting part was observing the diff ppl who come in of course. Listening to the problems ppl were facing.. gee i didnt know a lot of ppl needed legal advice or service... in my opinion legal aid bereau is kinda cool.. i mean u get to help the disadvantaged/needy ppl who need legal services... hmm.. might consider working there someday... =) Oh and while i was there i found out one of my ite ex-classmate Jing Xian works there... she's one of the support officers there...
well my day at the bereau ended at 12.30pm cause there wasnt a lot of cases... Well after tat i had no plans, and nuraini called and we kinda planned to meet up at ard 3 so i decided to head off for lunch first on my own... decided to drop down in town for lunch but on my way i couldnt decide where to eat cause i didnt feel like eating fast food... so as soon i reached town, i didnt know what possessed me but i decided to go to the airport. haha.. yea tats far rite? heck yea i'm crazie =P took 36 frm town, the journey was long but worth it cause i got to catch up on sleep haha... =P well by that time my back was hurting like hell... i donno what caused my backpain but well kinda used to it but i cancelled my appt with nuraini. So i had my lunch at terminal 2 staff canteen, had my fave kwey teow kuah and bird nest drink... after tat walked one end to the other end of the airport cause i felt like walking then went to terminal 1 to NTUC to buy some groceries haha... well.. actually it was just lipton infusion tea and choclates =D Bumped into my ol sec classmate haslinda again.. i think she tot i was crazy goin to the airport alone for nothing haha... well...
took 27 back to tamp but instead of alighting at the usual bus stop to change buses i took the bus to st 71 cause i tot might as well i just walk all the way back home =) Well reached home and well crashed =P couldnt stand the pain and i was kinda tired so i slept...
well got up later in the evening and then went online and found out that some of my ite friends goin for a midnight show.. well i was on for it but then found out wan was not goin cause he's on morning shift tmr, well he's the only person i'm really close to among those who usually go for the outing and he told me that most who are goin were the couples so decided to skip the outing... maybe next time lah... hmm.. so here i'm at home bored outta my mind with nothing gd on tv.. gee...
and tomorrow's mother's day! well.. gotta confess i havent got anything for my mum yet cause as usual i'm broke... maybe i cld give her a belated one and collaborate with my sis cause wanted to buy for her this juicer thing that she really like but was kinda out of stock when we wanted to purchase it that day.. hmm... well anyways have to go to my aunt's place tmr cause there's a small family gathering in celebration of mother's day.. wonder if everyone in my maternal side of the family will turn up...
well gonna go continue reading my novel or maybe search for any intresting vcd to watch...
cheers!

||:PreCiouS:||
5/08/2004 11:25:00 PM
||||

so its friday... gosh how time flies by... exam results came out via sms today, hmm... well lets just say i passed.... so lets move on... nothing much has been actually happening lately just that i've been watching a lot of chinese drama serials its like one after the other... frm 5.30 - 6.30 theres wings of desire then 7 - 8 is double happiness then 9 - 10 is spice siblings.. gee... chinese serials overdose... and i dont even watch malay tv serials... hmmz...
besides that there's the constant thinking... well what else can u do when ure killing time but think? Sometimes the thing about thinking is that we think too much, so much that bad/old memories comes back to haunt us and then we become moody haha.. and add to that the flu tat doesnt seem to go away... heck i dont look myself these days... =P oh and there's this song in my cd player that always kinda tugs at my heart... well heck i'm a sensitive gal, songs do tat to me ya know =P
i found out VSA camp for diabled kids will be on on the 1st, 3rd to 5th June... i voluteered before during the dec holidays and i really enjoyed myself, its a great feeling to volunteer =) This time the camp will be a day camp but alas i dont think i wouldnt be able to volunteer for this time cause it'll clash with stuff that will be going on in school.. *sigh* i really wanted to volunteer cause it'll be fun with the kids =) oh well.. there's always the dec camp =D
Gotta sleep early today, have to report early tomorrow at legal aid bereau at 9.. gee...
well so i'll be signing off here now =P
cheers!

***************************

SoNg oF tHe DaY

THE song in my cd player...

If I Ain’t Got You

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what’s within
And I’ve been there before
But that life’s a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, Yeah
Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love him
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
with no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain’t you baby
If I ain’t got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain’t got you, yeah

Outro:
If I ain’t got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don’t mean a thing
If I ain’t got you with me baby

||:PreCiouS:||
5/08/2004 12:07:00 AM
||||

Friday, May 07, 2004

Acceptance

i mentioned before on how we should view life in a positive light.. something i believe in... in order to move on with our lives... i guess its easy to say when all for now is quiet and steady... but when we go thru something painful, something we feel so deeply abt that we dont think that anyone would understand its kinda hard... sometimes we dont actually do what we tell ppl, we give out advice when ppl are down but we fail to follow it ourselves... i guess its kinda natural, when times are bad its very hard to follow what you preach... especially when it concerns others, it concerns a member of the family, a loved one, we think more abt them then ourselves, we blame ourselves for their plight, we blame ourselves for our incapability to do anything more then we could, we blame on the choices we make and the what ifs... even tho sometimes its over, even if has passed, the memory haunts us, altho life goes on as per normal, and we are back to face reality, the pain still remains lodged deep in our hearts, something that will never go away no matter how many years have passed, no matter how hard we try to forget...
i guess i'm beginning to accept that... i'm beginning to accept the fact that the pain will always remain... i'm beginning to accept that no matter what i do it will come back to haunt me like how it has been haunting me time and time again... i guess u guys wont understand what i've been trying to accept... you may think you know but you don't cause if you did i wouldnt keep trying to make u understand... but i gave that up long ago cause no matter how many times i try you never seemed intrested in listening to what i have to say... you know how frustrating it is when you wanna talk, wanna say something but ppl just dont wanna listen or they may look like they are but are not. You know how frustrating it is to wanna help someone cause you understand what they are going thru but you're always brushed off time and time again cause you're not worthy of their time... gosh i'm damn sick and tired of it... i'm despically sick and tired of myself for always trying and never giving up cause it hurts... it hurts so much... cause in both scenarios i lose out... i'm shut out... i'm left alone... i'm left to deal with it on my own... and sometimes i dont think i'm strong enough...
but i've come to accept it... cause that's the only way my life can go on... why trouble myself a matter so petty in the eyes of some... why fight? just learn to accept... i doubt you would understand but then again you arent me....

sometimes i ask myself... why the heck am i lying to myself?

*********************************

SoNg Of ThE Day

Road To Acceptance

I always waste my time just wondering
What the next man thinks of me
I'll never do exactly what I want
And I'll sculpt my life for your acceptance

I always waste my time just wondering
What the next man thinks of me
I'll never do exactly what I want
And I'll sculpt my life for your acceptance

And I feel forgotten
Feel like rotting
(Do you feel the same?)
(Do you feel the same?)
Adolescence
Just can't make sense
(It's calling my name)
(It's calling my name)

I take a look around
And all the things I've found
I call it blind hatred
If you'd stop a while
And maybe if you'd smile
You would realize that
We're all the same

It's just like our brain
When it apes insane
We feel the same pain

All my life I've seemed to have this need
I think at times it even turns to greed
We all want to join some family
We'll even sacrifice a moral changing

And I feel forgotten
Feel like rotting
(Do you feel the same?)
(Do you feel the same?)
Adolescence
Just can't make sense
(It's calling my name)
(It's calling my name)

I take a look around
And all the things I've found
I call it blind hatred
If you'd stop a while
And maybe if you'd smile
You would realize that
We're all the same

It's just like our brain
When it apes insane
We feel the same pain

I take a look around
And all the things I've found
I call it blind hatred
If you'd stop a while
And maybe if you'd smile
You would realize that
We're all the same

It's just like our brain
When it apes insane
We feel the same pain

||:PreCiouS:||
5/07/2004 12:38:00 AM
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Thursday, May 06, 2004

i guess i've had my suspicions but i refused to see it... until i knew for sure...

you know how sometimes there's just some things that you can never explain...
you know how sometimes you just wish you have the answer to everything..
you know how sometimes you would just like to shuddup but then youre compelled to say something...
you know how sometimes you just wish that you could knock your head on the nearest wall...
you know how sometimes you just wish you could crawl under a rock and dissapear forever...
you know how sometimes you just wish you could just mind you own bloody damn biz...

well i'm having one of those days....
*sigh*

the problem with me....


And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

||:PreCiouS:||
5/06/2004 04:17:00 AM
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Quantity v Quality

Its not the quantity of life but the quality of life that matters..
life is unpredictable
one day you may be perfectly healthy and the next day not...
so when life pulls you down dont stay angry and curse life for not giving you an extra few years to live...
life your life to the fullest cause you may never wake up one day and you may never see your loved ones again...
never take everything for granted.. you only live once...
be thankful for the time you have and make full use of it...
dont live your life with regrets
dont let life pass you by... live your life like its your last but plan your life as if you're gonna live forever...
the thing is we take life for granted and we see our loved ones suffer then we begin to appreciate them, we began to feel guilty for not being closer to the person and curse ourselves for the plight they are in.. but then its the wrong approach... in fact you should embrace them, embrace what's to come... we are all in a circle of life.. babies are born everyday, and our time will come when we would be go back to HIM... we all have a part to play and God is fair... Dont blame yourself for what has already been planned... we can only do so much...
gosh i sound philosophical here.. haha... hmm i wonder what came over me... i guess in a way everyone fears death... when we hear a loved one is very sick fear is instilled in our hearts... it heightens even more if we are in their position when we find out how sick some of us are.. look at those ppl whose gone through so much.. those patients who are terminally ill but with smile on their faces... they have smiles on their faces cause they choose to look at life differently...
Those are the ppl who i really admire... yes they may have that tiny flame of fear in their hearts but then dont let it flame up and engulf them, instead they more on with life, living life as they deem fit... some say when you go through a life threatening experience thats when you appreciate life more... then shouldnt everyone go thru that so all of us would appreciate life more? =P
yes sounds silly but think about it... i guess there's some things in life that can never be explained... but always keep this in mind it doesnt matter how many years you live if your life is meaningless, its the quality of life that you lead, the feeling of fullfilment that matters the most... some might mistake this as physical stuff, wealth... yes i may agree with wealth but not wealth of money but wealth of deeds, of the value of life that you lead... physical stuff is but temporary, you may have everything you want but all can be taken from you within seconds but memories, deeds, values and integrity stays with you for life. Never push aside your values for physical attributes/objects, it aint worth it...
something to keep in mind.
god bless =)

||:PreCiouS:||
5/06/2004 12:14:00 AM
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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

when is this gonna end
your endless nagging
your endless shouting
its been going on for too long
its been going on ever since i can remember
you keep looking down on us
calling us names, this and that
comparing us with people outside
tell me how by saying these things can change us?
your words hurt like a knife thru our hearts
in your mind you'll always say that we hurt you
but yours hurts us more
each day i take in the crap cause i respect you for who you are
i take it in my stride cause there's nothing i can say
even if i do i'll be disrespectful
no matter what i do it is never enough
i know you're tired
i know you're exhausted
life hasnt been fair
but is it fair to take it out on us?
they are still growing up
your words play a big part
i'm aware about the things going on
but there's so much that i can do
Does it satisfy you that i feel even more guiltier then i should be?
Do you know why i'm always out?
Do you know why i'm always involved in school?
cause it helps me forget
it takes my mind away
it keeps me busy
it helps me to move forward
its the one thing i seem to be good at
i know it sounds insane but i actually enjoy what i'm doing
cause what i do means something
i know my dreams are idle dreams
dreams you say arent realistic
but i dare to dream
yes i i've never been strong academically
i've never been strong physically
but i didnt let that stop me
cause i had you in mind
i could never face you when i failed you
my strong points are always scattered in various depts
yes it does hinder me in things i wanna do
but still i overcome it
but then i see what's in your eyes
and i'm sorry if i failed you
sometimes i see the tears that you shed
but you'll never know how that hurts me more cause i never want to see you cry
funny how we dont usually share the stuff we should
how i dont talk to you that often
sometimes i run to you when the world becomes too cruel
when all the old crude remards come back full circle
jokes about how i look like, jokes abt my height, jokes abt me
words that strangers and even ppl i call my friends hurts so much i could only run to u cause you accepted me for who i am but sometimes i know you think we're a burdern thats why i keep quiet...
you'll never know the inner struggles i go thru
you'll never know the silent tears that i shed
you'll never know how much i've been in pain
cause i dont say a word
i'm sorry for my weakness
i really am
you can continue your endless nags and shouts cause i guess i'm used to it
i'm so used to it that i'm numb
my heart can never be as cold as i want it
it can never be as numb as i want it
cause in the end i feel
the dissapointment i've caused
how your words still affects me so...
so for now i'll just pretend
cause thats the easiest way out i can think of
i'm sorry...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/05/2004 08:29:00 PM
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i think i'm at the point where i should go and see the doctor, but stubborn me as usual wont unless absolutely necessary.. haiz... one minute i think i'm better then next minute i feel crappy again... argh...
so here i am in school cold like hell and bloggin haha... just ended law inc mtg.. initially wanted to do some research but the book i wanted wasnt available gee... so got myself a patricia cowell book.. so i'm going off in awhile to grab some lunch and crash at home =P
Well as planned me, mel and nad went ice skating on monday. Kay couldnt make it cause she had committments. (we'll go together the next time kkiez =) ) The three of us had fun cept for the blisters we got haha... I havent gone to ice skate for like 2 years? so when i first stepped on the ice it was kinda hard, kept holding on to the barrier... then i told myself to not be dependent on the barrier or else i wont get anywhere... so yea i got less dependent on the barrier and managed to skate in the middle of the rink =D Its kinda funny when i look back at how i set a goal for myself for eg. that by this time i'm gonna be able to skate past this area without any dependency on the barrier etc etc... which i managed to accomplish by the way haha... so i guess in a way sometimes in the lil things we do if we can set goals for ourselves i guess we can achieve it if we really want to or not =P something to keep in mind =)

||:PreCiouS:||
5/05/2004 01:48:00 PM
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head throbbing
stomach growling
eyes burning
sounds buzzing
room spinning
muscles softening
image blurring
coldness sweeping
lights fading
darkness enveloping
someone sleeping
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........
=P

||:PreCiouS:||
5/05/2004 02:09:00 AM
||||

i wonder why as i lay here you come into my mind
invading my train of thoughts
when i clearly told myself no more
i began to think of the others and then about you
and i wonder do u even know who i'm refering to
do you know its u?
i wouldnt be surprised really if u did
i wonder what your reaction was when u knew
if u didnt what would your reaction be when u find out
would you take two step back? or have u already taken that two steps?
Why you? Good question i ask myself that sometimes
why you when there are others around
i guess there's somthing in you that i see
that i believe in
that i admire
the best explanation i can give for now
i guess you're too good for me
that's usually the case aint it
so then my mind is set
to put this to a rest
i'm done with my inner struggles
i admit you'll always be in my mind, in my life
just that i gotta view life differently
to live my life differently
maybe then
only then my life could change
thank you for making me realise this
i guess i owe you a lot of that
i've never told you cause i'm afraid of losing our friendship
i'd rather have you as a friend then not have known u at all
you're one friend i wouldnt wanna lose

||:PreCiouS:||
5/05/2004 01:56:00 AM
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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

silence seeps in
nothing seems to be significant
shattered dreams
distraught heart
alarms going off
one by one...
an old memory
of a distance past
screams of agony and pain...
more distant screams
but of joy and happiness
lost in the cruel world
unreachable by time and space...
bright lights shine
a figure appears
walking away
fading into the light
the cries of sadness and loss
getting louder...
getting softer...
the figure fades
the light fades....
silence...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/04/2004 06:18:00 PM
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Pressure

Growing up.

pressure left, right, center.

Peer pressure, pressure from family, pressure from ppl around

to be more smarter, dress better, look good, do something great, become someone great

do great in PSLE, O Levels, A Levels, get a diploma, get a degree, get a great job, get the 5Cs

sometimes the pressure can be too great that it gets too overbearing

stress... trauma... fear... it comes in different forms

sometimes it gets to a point where the brain cannot take it anymore

Suicidal thoughts, rage, anger, depression... in simple words... crazy...

the world becomes dim, all in shades of grey

when all could have been so simple

without high expectations

with their own limits

everyone has their own strength, abilities and individualities

why push something that may not be there

drastic consequences as the result

a person changed because of pressure

when all could have been so simple...



SoNg Of ThE DaY

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

||:PreCiouS:||
5/04/2004 01:07:00 AM
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Sunday, May 02, 2004

Change

I wanna be free from you

I just wanna be me

i dont want you in my head

i dont want me to filter what i do or say

that's why i'm letting go

to move on with my life

be able to be myself

to make mistakes, to fall down, to laugh, to cry, to have fun

and have someone whose there no matter what

no matter what i do and say

and be comfortable with it

this pattern i'm in has to stop

its been going on for too long

takin my time, takin my energy

so i'm putting an end to it now

i'm letting my self be free

mistakes i've made

i've realised wat i'm doing wrong

so now i'm gonna change

||:PreCiouS:||
5/02/2004 11:51:00 PM
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woke up late this morning cause i was kinda tired from last night and guess what? i've lost my voice. everytime i try to talk my throat hurts. arrghh!!! great! wonderful! now my only form of communication is text based. I wonder how long this is gonna last... hmm... so ppl if u wanna call me forget it cause i wont be able to answer u, just sms me or if i'm online just get me thru msn =P

I was out the whole of yesterday. Had a 'meeting' for the four winds production but i came late cause i splendidly woke up late cause i felt really sick, still i went down cause i know that if i stayed at home i'll get worse, need some sun and fresh air some would say =) After that basically slacked in town with kay, sinthu and sashi. well me and kay were in borders most of the time while sinthu and sashi was watching the percussion performance outside. The performace was great actually and well sashi and sinthu went ga ga over the guys *rolls eyes* gosh they even asked them for their name cards... .... anyways soon sashi and sinthu had to leave so kay accompanied me till i had to go to newton to meet the others for dinner.
I could actually be on time to meet the others at newton on time but since everyone kept msging me that they're gonna be late i took my time... when i got there i spotted Apri first but i couldnt recognize the gal who was with him... i thot ooh maybe he brought his date along haha... then it turns out that it was Siok Lan! Ok why i didnt recognize her rite? Well she kinda permed her hair and had make up on and stuff so she looked totally different.. so preety =) hehe...
One by one everyone came and nad met us at newton later on cause she was from pasir ris with her cuzzins... her cuzzins were kinda cool i still remembered their names! mawardi and mawarni.. cute huh...well both are frm melacca... they were kinda shy at first but by the end of the night i could see them warm up a bit which was great =)
After dinner me, siok lan, mel, nad and her cuzzins went to cthall to... well.. i'm not quite sure why were there either cause no one wanted to go home that early.. so we walked to the esplanade, the merlion then to raffles place.. haha... i was actually hungry again... unsurprisingly =P

||:PreCiouS:||
5/02/2004 02:47:00 PM
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SoNg Of ThE DaY

Come Away With Me

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away with me where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows
knee kigh
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountain top
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

||:PreCiouS:||
5/02/2004 12:49:00 AM
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Saturday, May 01, 2004

Something to share about the "One"

(Got this off frm somewhere, kinda intresting actually...)

Is S/He "the One"? This is a question we ask
ourselves every time we go out with someone new.
It can also be the question you ask yourself
after many years in a relationship. The simple
answer is that only you can tell.

Many researchers believe that there is no "one"
person for each of us. It is postulated that each
of us could potentially be with many different
people. But others believe that there IS one
person for everyone. That it is just about
finding that person and living happily ever
after.

So what makes someone "the One"? It depends on
what you are looking for. There are no hard and
fast rules about finding your perfect match.
There are just guidelines, some of which seem
like common sense. There are several areas in
which you should be clear when deciding if he is
The One.


Compromise: a crucial component in any successful
relationship. The amount and balance of
compromise is unique in each relationship.
However, partners need to take each other's needs
and desires into account. Compromise does not
mean giving up your own self or morals. It means
being aware that there are two people in the
relationship. Working together is necessary to
make any relationship happy and fulfilling.

Communication: the cornerstone of any successful
and healthy relationship. It isn't just about
talking; you have to really listen to and 'hear'
your partner. Everyone has their own
communication style and needs. Make sure that
yours can be fulfilled with this person.

Compatibility: you should have enough in common
that you spend time together and share mutual
activities. But you should also have enough
individual interests that you don't become
totally dependent on each other.

Emotional and physical intimacy needs: people
have a variety of needs and wants in terms of
emotional intimacy and physical affection. There
can be big differences in this area. You need to
be on the same page or there will be a lot of
tension and frustration.

Commitment: if you don't want the same things in
the short- or long-term, then you will encounter
tension and strife. Be sure you have the same
needs and desires in this area or you (or he)
could be sorely disappointed.

Level of equality: be clear on your expectations
about the sharing of responsibilities, money-
making, communication, etc. Everyone sees
equality differently and each couple needs to
figure out how they define it.

Priority of relationship: how important is the
relationship in comparison to the other emotional
and professional demands in life - family, job,
friends, hobbies, etc. How much time do you both
need, and does it match?

Romantic Love: this is central for some people
and not for others. Know what it is you want in
this area and don't settle for less. If you want
butterflies in the stomach, then wait for them!

The key is to know what you want! If you are
clear about your needs and desires, it will be
easier for you to decide if s/he matches them. It
is important to be at least somewhat in agreement
with your intended partner. In areas where you
differ, you need to be willing to compromise. If
your needs are being filled, that is key. If they
are not, that is a bad sign. So be aware of what
you want and need and then figure out if you are
getting it!

||:PreCiouS:||
5/01/2004 02:23:00 AM
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Today well actually yesterday wasnt so bad... After my sis's appt she dragged me to Centerpoint to check out something for a mother's day prezzie... the stuff we wanted was out of stock so its plan B which we're not entirely siure wat dat is actually haha... Well sis wanted to buy Love Actually's VCD but i managed to convince her to walk all the way to HMV *evil grin* she needs to get some exercise lah if not stay at home and rot hehe... We were actually lookin for A Walk to Remember VCD but it was out of stock.. oh well... then we headed home since sis was complaining abt being tired (i really dont blame her tho cause she's still recovering =) ) Then at home spent the rest of the night watching Survivor, Brother Bear and Love Actually.. reason why i'm blogging this late or some say "early" =P
A birthday shout out to....

Dzul!!!

Happy 20th Birthday!!

Another great guy turning 20. so when's my turn? shucks... 6 more months to go wahaha... not that i'm really lookin forward to it =P oh yea sidetracking... yes.. Dzul.. not sure if you'll ever read this but heyz Happy Birthday all the same! Definitely one of the most easy going individual i know, been pretty much a great 'senior', really gonna miss ya not being ard TP, always there when i least expect it to put a smile on my face =) Hey all the best in your future endavours! oh yea u got NS coming up too =P all the best for that too =) God bless!

||:PreCiouS:||
5/01/2004 02:03:00 AM
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SoNg Of ThE DaY

Was watching Brother Bear just now and this song kinda struck me...
check it out...

No Way Out

Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone
But there's nothing I can say to change
the things I've done
Of all the things I hid from you
I cannot hide the shame
And I pray someone, something will come
to take away the pain

There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free
But I can't see another way
I can't face another day

Tell me where, did I go wrong
Everyone I loved, they're all gone
I'd do everything differently
but I can't turn back the time
There's no shelter from the storm
inside of me

There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free
But I can't see another way
I can't face another day

I can't believe the words I hear
It's like an answer to a prayer
When I look around I see
This place, this time, this friend of mine

I know its hard but you
found somehow
To look into your heart and
to forgive me now
You've given me the strength to see
just where my journey ends
You've given me the strength
to carry on

I see the path from this dark place
I see my future
Your forgiveness has set me free
On and I can see another way
I can face another day!

I see the path, I can see the path
I see the future
I see the path from this dark place
I see the future

I see the path, I can see the path
I see the future

||:PreCiouS:||
5/01/2004 01:47:00 AM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.

.Through Their Eyes.

::azfar ::amin ::apRi ::candy::
::celine ::desz ::david:
::dexter ::darren ::deedee::
::denise ::edel ::ernie::
::fidz ::haider ::han::
::haze ::hally ::huda::
::ifah ::indra ::ezad::
::jaslyn ::jasmine ::jay::
::jjonsson ::kay ::lily ::lin::
::matsie ::melvo ::marco::
::massy ::mei ::mitch ::mraz::
::mrbrown ::nadz ::naz::
::nur ::nurul ::ode ::priya::
::peiming ::riah ::roihan::
::soffie ::sashi ::seasons::
::sheng ::tania ::vit::
::vonny ::xuantong ::YoLie::

.Archive.

October 2003

November 2003

December 2003

January 2004

February 2004

March 2004

April 2004

May 2004

June 2004

July 2004

August 2004

September 2004

October 2004

November 2004

December 2004

January 2005

February 2005

March 2005

April 2005

May 2005

June 2005

July 2005

August 2005

September 2005

October 2005

November 2005

December 2005

January 2006

February 2006

March 2006

April 2006

May 2006

June 2006

July 2006

August 2006

September 2006

October 2006

November 2006

December 2006

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007

September 2007

.ShoutOuts.

.Reading.

.In My iPod.

.contactez-moi.

||:Email:||:Friendster:||:MSN:||

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