Friday, May 21, 2004

so now why in the world am I still blogging?
good question.
I guess I have a lot stuff in my mind...

well today another friend told me that I should be more aggresive and kinda like use my leadership power that I have cause ppl not respecting me and stuff.. erm well that's not the actual words but something like tat lah...
frankly speaking the comment I get is not uncommon. I get that a lot. I've been stepped on and pushed around alot. Some ppl do that without even realising it but hey I'm ok with it, cause I'm used to it. And to add to that I'm always submissive... I guess the way I work with ppl I don't like to act all authoritive cause I prefer working with ppl rather then looking at it like I'm in charge and they shld listen to me. That's not the way I work. That's not the way I see things, but sometimes ppl think to take it differently and I get alot of heat because of that, ppl get frustrated or irritated by me, yes i'll get upset for a bit then question my capabilities and stuff but I take no offence in what ever ppl might say cause diff ppl have diff views and I respect that =) I'll take into consideration what ppl say and if I see where the prob lies i'll change, I'm open to change, to any constructive criticism cause I'm here to learn, to be better at what I do, to gain from experience.

Now we come to another point.. Jealousy... haha.. Well I'm not a jealous type of person, like for instance when I used to like a person (emphasis on the word used to, haha.. yea I'm basically now crushless... wahaha well anyways..) when I see em' getting attached to another person or anything else ppl sometimes try to get me to feel jealous,I just don't =P cause firstly the person was never mine to begin with for that matter so why in the world should I get jealous even if I do like the person?
Or take for another situation when someone gets more credit for the work that I mostly did, yes its unfair in a way but I still don't get jealous cause I know that i've put in my efforts and whatever I do is never for recognition...
so now what i notice is that unconciously i get easily jealous when friendships are concerned. I donno why but yea... its something like when i find out one of my friend communicates more with another friend rather then me and then me finding out that i'm just a friend by default and the friend will only talk to me out of duty or how do i put it.. erm.. obliged to... sometimes out of pity...
gee...
just wat i needed to know...
so sometimes i question myself... where do i stand in friendships? Am i your friend? A friend who is just there when you are bored? A friend when you have no one else to turn to? A friend by default? or simply put am i just an aquiantance? seen today gone tomorrow... =P
*sigh*
so what's new... my doubts and uncertainty will always remain as that cause i bet no one is gonna ever ans my questions how do i know? cause nobody ever does.. just take a look at my tagboard, it aint moving at all, ppl who read dont tag, i know of those ppl but i wonder why they dont ever tag.. hmm.. dont want me to find out that ure reading my blog huh? well *Surprise surprise* i know.

Then there's also another thing...

What happened to happy-go-lucky, loud, talkative me?
That me has been gone eversince my early sec sch days. Buried together with painful memories. well it surfaces once in awhile when i'm high on caffine or the lack of food in my stomach but sometimes its buried so deep that sometimes ppl say to the extent that i'm stuck up because i'm too quiet and keep to myself.

So will that part of me come back? Rise from the dead? hmm.. the chance of that happening looks bleak... life so far hasnt been upbeat, relaxing and carefree. Maybe someday when my worries are lesser, when things are settled... but for now even that looks bleak...

so who am i now? with one side of me ripped out... where does that leave me?

i guess certain things that happen have their consequences, have their good points and bad...

things happen for a reason...

a simple sentence that which in fact means alot and something i believe in cause whatever had happened had thought me alot, made me stronger, gained me experiences that i would never thought imagined, opportunities that i would have missed out on, operation costs that my family would have never been able to afford, knowledge on the reality of life...

basically...

i wouldnt be where i am today...

i wouldnt have been who am i today...

each day is a miracle itself...

why do i say that? if only u knew... nah i wont tell... no point in telling,
my prob, my pain, i'll deal with it. no use having u guys talk abt it =P

You know sometimes how ppl say, "i wouldnt know what to do if i was you", "i could have never be able to go through all that", etcetc...

well..

sometimes what i feel is that they are just words, words that ppl are compelled to say, cause i believe when a person is put in a situation that hard and unnerving they can get through it, even if now they say they cant imagine themselves in that position and go through with it, the thing is god dont put you thru situation that he thinks you cant handle.

I especially hate it when ppl say... i know exactly how you feel... fine i'll respect that if you've actually gone thru it but saying it when u dont know the slightest idea what really is going on, without even going thru with it urself? How do u actually know how it feels like? Why give words that has no meaning to it?

I guess why i've not been opening up whenever anybody ask me am i ok or what's wrong is because i personally feel that its my prob and i should deal with it furthermore sometimes well sometimes.. erm nvm... well yea it wont help me much cause its gonna tax me more but basically i'm finding it hard now to say anything... so i blog... and when i blog it only helps a fraction of the whole percentage...

i guess i've said enough for now...

gd nite...

god bless...

salute...

||:PreCiouS:||
5/21/2004 12:29:00 AM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.