Monday, June 14, 2004

How do you put across what is on your mind?
Its easy to let people think you're worried about just one thing, and cause of that ppl will think you're psycho when on the actual fact there is other things that is worrying you and you dont talk about it cause it is of no concern to the other party.
And when this happen people will have a wrong perception of you but you cant be bothered with that cause it doesnt really matter.

well..

You know how you go under the knife and it doesnt feel the same even after you've recovered,

The pain doesnt go away but you learn to tolerate it even tho it gets worse once in a while,

When you feel like your heart is pumping too fast and keep trying to slow it down and it scares the hell out of you,

When you wake up every morning feeling tired and the pain is three times more,

and you cant tell anyone cause they wont understand,

if only you can tell everyone what you have but you dont wanna ppl to look at you differently or revisit your past...

When you can see dissapointment in her eyes even tho you've tried your best,

Then you look at your family as a whole and it hits you at how much you've been missing,

Constantly reminded of how a bad job you're doing as the eldest sister cause you're not at home,

When you find out that we are barely floating and there's the thought of contributing to the family income but at the expense of your education...

but it cant be considered as an option cause education is v.important and you cant contribute much if you dont have a gd solid education,

It so happens that your brain takes in all the pressure all at once and you end up breaking down and quickly trying to gain back your composure cause you cant afford to do that,

and it also dosent help that you are shaking inside from the stress and doing a barely ok job trying to stablize it,

And because of this ppl get pissed at you for your inablity to prevent yourself from breaking down and not doing a gd job keeping in check,

and also pissed because you're constantly making mistakes and your weakness is clearly seen,

and no matter how hard you try to change and do better its not good enough

then you realise that your strength is also your weakness

and habits die hard

and no matter how well you know yourself, when you try to explain yourself to the other party they tell you that your reasoning is bullshit or not a good enough reason,

i could just go on and on...

but what's the point...

anyways i'm v.tired...

wonder how its gonna be when the new acad yr starts next week...

i wouldnt be surprised if one day i cant wake up

or worse,

drop dead,

well lets not think the worse shall we...

i guess for some ppl who do not really know me or is reading my blog for the first time would not understand part of what i've entered in this entry...
past entries may make you understand or maybe it wont...
i guess everything will be clear in due course...
maybe once i'm dead or something and things are revealed...

well...

till then...

salute...

||:PreCiouS:||
6/14/2004 11:57:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.