Wednesday, October 06, 2004

7 hours to go before my criminal procedure paper wohoo! i swear i'll be lucky if i pass this paper *sigh* thank god its an open book paper that's all i can say....

anyways something came to mind today....

am i too sensitive for my own good?

i've gotta admit i'm a sensitive person, and when i'm too in tune to another's feeling i easily get affected....
Somehow today a friend of mine's statement which she swore was in jest (& i believed her) affected me quite a bit. She went along the lines of the things that come out of my mouth this was the worst.... ok i was stumped at that moment... ok i was hurt.... was it true?

Do i always say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Is this why i'm not respected for the things i say? Is this why people dont take me seriously? Is this why when i say something people look at each other and laugh among themselves?
or maybe i'm just paranoid? (i think haze will agree with me on this haha...)

call me princess of paranoia cause maybe i am... geez...

maybe which is why i keep quiet most of time... unless i'm really comfortable with a person and he/she understands who i really am...
i just dont get it... when i am myself some peeps dont like it and call me wierd (one e.g is my siblings, that's another story), then how to become myself you tell me? So i end up being the background person... Like someone said before, i can make my presence not be felt suddenly and then suddenly appear again... years of practice? maybe...

I guess growing up, all i ever wanted was to be accepted cause trust me you wouldnt want to go through what i went through... (how bad can it be right? haha.. if you only knew...)
Being different, looking different, having something people dont know and they think is wierd tend to make you the target of groups of people who would love just to downgrade you, laugh at you and make themselves think that they are more superior then you.
Make use of your pain, your kindness and your helplessness....

Sure all this may happen years ago but the pain remains the same, its something you'll never forget cause it leaves a scar behind...
Thankfully i was strong enough to just go through my life as i did and not succumb to stupid things...
so as things progressed i guess deep down i've always wanted to feel accepted cause i was never accepted for who i was, for what god made me to be...

am i selfish to actually want that?

i know some of you might say its sufficient to just accept yourself for who you are.. and i have, believe me i have..
but then deep down... sigh.. i donno...

this actually reminds of me of a recent incident in school...

i was studying alone outside LT19 and beside my bench was a grp of students who was doing crim pro if i'm not mistaken.. then along came this girl who bought something at the drink vending machine... she looked very retro and she resembled a bit like of Zoe Tay's reel life characters (one of her latest channel 8 shows, the one with the nerdy look? they call her ah jie or something like that? if you know what i'm talking about lah...) anyways... as she was passing by the guys at the bench started laughing at her, and i think she realised it and stopped in her tracks and looked at them and quickly walked away....
and i honestly felt for her... I know what it's like to be in her shoes...

and this incident actually supports my statement that most guys are jerks no matter how nice they may be...

okie sidetracked....

anways yea i guess in a way i may be too sensitive or paranoid in someway but not always tho (cause if it was i'll be one messed up individual) then at times its with reasons.. and in a way i have to change that part of me... be a stronger person as you may call it, and maybe i still need to go through more horrid stuff and make myself more stronger in a sense haha... but then again it might not work cause if this is the way i am, this is who i'm always gonna be...
cause not everyone have the same attributes... and i guess this is one that makes me, me... *shrugs* (maybe i gotta do more thinking on this haha...)

alright enough thinking for now...
trying my best to get some shut eye before the paper....
*stomach growls*
damn hungry again...
kitchen here i come wahaha...

till nxt entry
god bless!

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
10/06/2004 02:22:00 AM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.