||:PreCiouS RefLecTionS:||



Saturday, January 29, 2005

In one day it all went by so fast...
what took almost a year of planning and hard work has happened and ended, all in mere hours.


What am i talking about?


Project Twinkle's Xrothia:Sentosa


So how did it all went? I would say preety good even though i was told i looked stressed, which i reckon i was. heck it was something i've been waiting to do for a long time, a huge project for me and i was so afraid of messing things up, who wouldnt be? Still working on not looking stressed, i guess i'll have it down pat with more experience...
To be honest i was trying my best to not be pissed/worried at some things but then it has come and gone, no use getting upset over it now. Que sera sera...
haha.. and i also lost my voice at the beginning of the event, thank god it came back after downing 2 bottles of mineral water, so now i have a sore throat as a souvenir =P


Still it was hugely overwhelming for me...
and one thing i found out about myself was that i never allowed myself to have fun cause i wanted so hard for everyone else to. Even though i was tempted to join some of the games i refrained myself for doing so cause i was afraid to, cause i felt that i shouldnt.. *shrugs*


still i'm glad everyone else did. That's enough for me =)


Once again i wanna thank all my committee members for the effort, committment and time they put in into the project, no matter how big or small their roles were...
you guys know who you are =)


Especially Candy, i know how hard you pushed and took it on yourself, and hey gerl i'm telling you that you did a great job with programme. From the bottom of my heart i wanna thank you so much! You know i'll always be here for you.. do rest well ya =)


And lastly to all the GLs who participated, a big thank you from me. Thank you for taking time to be part of this. Really hoped you guys had fun as well as the kids.


Perhaps Project Twinkle will make a comeback next semester... we'll see =)
for now feedback and ideas are welcomed!
pics will be uploaded as soon as i have the time to do it =)

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/29/2005 10:22:00 PM
||||


Thursday, January 27, 2005

I'm suppose to be asleep now but heck i'm still awake. Kept tossing and turning so decided to come online. clever right? haha...
Gotta be awake early tomorrow to settle some stuff so i hope i wont be that tired.

Saturday is coming so fast and i'm excited and at the same time nervous. Its expected i guess. Seriously this wouldnt be happening if not with help of my committee members. So in advance i wanna thank all of them... peeps who have been with me from the start, Tania, Candy, DeSheng, Marcus, Mx, Vit, Apri, Yolanda and Yimei. Thanks guys for the committment and effort! =)

I cant believe that term break is coming to an end soon. Have yet to get started on my group projects, would only meet up with my group members on friday. There's still law advocacy to think about, oh and not forgetting four winds. I predict the new term is gonna be a very packed term.
Somehow with all these things going on i feel like i wanna do more... maybe i'm going crazy bleargh

Been walking home from school lately these past few days, i donno why but somehow nowadays i feel like walking, enjoying the beautiful weather. Perhaps subconciously i want to be familiarized again with the neighbourhood that i grew up in, which has gone through alot of changes during the time i've been away, take time to smell the flowers that kind of thing.

aite perhaps i should go read a book or something to help me fall asleep...

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/27/2005 01:18:00 AM
||||


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

When the door shuts
Don’t worry about me
Its not attention that I want from you
I need you to trust who I’m gonna be
And in everything I’m going to do

Cause I’m not afraid
Of what I don’t know
For understanding is all that I earn
What is for sure is I’m gonna to go
I’m gonna to live and I’m going to learn

And I know there will be mistakes that I will make
But I know they’re not worse than chances I don’t take, take
Right before your eyes I am changing, changing
New life on the inside I am changing, changing

When the door shuts
Its shuts in front of me
A new person that I have become
I follow my heart to my destiny
But living in fear and sorrow is done

There will be no more feeling that I’m all alone
I will surround myself with things that help me grow

||:PreCiouS:||
1/25/2005 01:03:00 PM
||||


*sigh*
everytime i post an angry entry i feel guity, which i am feeling now...
heck i'm not perfect
i get angry too...
usually everything is supressed, gathering and it will all come out at the same time, thus a very angry entry...

oh well like i said i aint perfect...

||:PreCiouS:||
1/25/2005 01:00:00 AM
||||


Monday, January 24, 2005

perhaps i'm blind
blind to things around me
unhappines being voiced out one at a time
am i so blind to the fact of all the unhappiness that has been surrounding me?
why wasnt i aware of the so called bad political situation? what political situation to begin with? Must everything be revolved around politics?

shite i have enough of this politic stuff. seriously

am i that bad?
maybe i'm jinxed, cant do anything properly...

i'm sorry if i havent been good enough
if you're so bloody unhappy why not say it to me in my face?
why?

perhaps its a sign for me to stop whatever i've been doing
stop whatever i'm contributing in
cause who gives a damn right?

why should i sacrifice all my time, money and effort for nothing right?
why should i care what happens to anything or anybody?
why should i give a damn about anything?

but fuck it,
i actually god damn care, thats why i do the things i do
i cant do everything alone
i know i shouldnt be using vulgarities but i'm too pissed to think of a better word to replace it

what happened to the phrase "taking the initative?"
is it dead? Is it some pretty phrase you can just stuck anywhere to make a sentence look nice?
so if you have interest i'm suppose to run to you instead? like i have nothing else to do?

oh yea i forgot i'm not doing anything wat. I'm just sitting around shaking my legs, letting everyone run around.

*argh*

before i say anything worse i shall stop here

i know some people will question why i'm posting this entry, seriously i dont care, its my blog and i'll post whatever i wanna post.

You wanted transparency? Here's your bloody transparency

feel free to hate my entry cause you wont be the only one

||:PreCiouS:||
1/24/2005 08:11:00 PM
||||


Its a bloody one thirty a.m in the morning and i'm bored with a capital B.
Best thing is i have a meeting first thing in the morning which i predict is gonna be a very long day cause i need to get a lot of things settled for Saturday, the big day.

Contemplating on watching beauty and the beast on video or continue staring at the computer screen, even though i've been in front of the tv the whole day watching cartoons and movies on cable back to back. I guess i was having one of those lazy Sundays. Lazy Sundays are good, you do not need to do anything but be lazy haha...

I should be sleeping right now shouldnt i? But no, i'm sitting behind my sis's desk, using her comp, staring at unanimated objects around the room and having worrying thoughts of god knows what.

Whenever i sleep i've been having these strange dreams, and they always leave me tired whenever i wake up, either that or leaves me with a big headache. Its like my brain never stops working ya know. Its like it is going through possible senarios of different things, and at times my "running" dreams comes back. These past few weeks my dreams goes along the lines of, i'm being killed, i'm in accident having been run down by a car, being chased by ppl cause i feel suffocated with them and they not trusting me to take care of myself, me landing myself in the hospital, being in a dilemma of having to be in two places at once, running in circles, and the list of strangeness goes on....

i guess this is why i find it hard to sleep at night, either that or i always find myself staring at the ceiling, wall or wardrobe for a couple of hours.

I guess i can be classified as a certified wierdo. sigh.

Funny thing is all this dreaming leaves me with a sense of wanting to go for a real run. I wanna run for real, feel the wind running through my hair, feel a sense of freedom... haiz physically i know i cant... perhaps i'll go cycling one of these days during term break when i can find the time...

I think i'll go watch beauty and the beast now... oh yea and i wanna watch elektra again. Forget the critics, i like it =)

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/24/2005 01:33:00 AM
||||


Sunday, January 23, 2005

Reality Bites

"nobody ever tells the truth about their lives..."

haha...
i so agree with that statement.

no matter how much you reveal about yourself, no matter how close you are to a person, no matter how much you trust a person,
no one ever reveals everything about themselves.

everyone has their own lil secrets...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"the worst day of my life was the day i met you, only that i didnt know it then..."

*ouch*

imagine someone you love or you once loved saying that to you...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"I dont think you make a good leader... i dont think what you are doing is right..."

this coming from a person who you thought was a friend and knows that you're trying your best and still learning.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Do you have a friend who has ever been pissed at you or on the way you handle a particular situation but then wont say anything even though how much you can see it in their faces?
but then they wont tell you what's wrong and then you end up being pissed at them.
you keep thinking of why they are being selfish and not letting you learn from your mistakes.

i have

but am i being selfish myself to want to know where i went wrong?

am i being selfish to want to learn from my mistakes?

am i being selfish to want the person to tell me what's wrong in order to do these things?

am i wrong to confront these situations?

must our lives be lived in total repression? What good will it do?
we have feelings for a reason dont we?

I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but if we keep avoiding them what good will it do? It will just hurt twice as much when you find out eventually. You may even make the same mistakes again without even realising it.


||:PreCiouS:||
1/23/2005 01:34:00 PM
||||


Saturday, January 22, 2005

Bill Gates - 1982 Teen Magazine




hot stuff dontcha think?
wahahaha =P

||:PreCiouS:||
1/22/2005 01:56:00 AM
||||


When i was 16 i had dreams. I had places i wanna go, places where i wanna be. I was so sure what i wanna be when i grow up. But then somehow life had other plans for me. I ended up in places where i never dreamed i would end up in. I went through things that i never could have possibly imagined. I couldnt get into places where i wanna go cause i wasnt good enough.

Now at 20 i'm feeling a lil lost. My path is forked and there will come a time when i have to decide. Sure i have dreams. Dreams that sometimes make me laugh at myself because of the impossiblity of it.

I envy those peeps who have it easy. I admit it. To know that whatever lies in the future, they are safe in the security of their family. To have no pressing responsiblities. To have something to fall back on.

me? i dont even have a safety net. When i fall, its freefall.

It saddens me when i look around me sometimes. Young people with loads of potential, wasting their life away, thinking that they are too young to think of the future.
To be lucky enough to be accepted to study a course which has loads of people with hopes of getting in and only a few making the cut, and then letting this opportunity go to waste cause they cant be bothered to give a damn, as long as they graduate and get a freakin diploma, they couldnt care less.

At 18 they think they are too young to care, at 20 i'm panicking that i dont have enough time haha...
perhaps its just me expecting too much from people.
believing in people who dont deserve it...

or perhaps its just me who deep down knows i dont really have much time and i'm just on borrowed time, perhaps on a time bomb waiting to explode? perhaps *Shrugs*

I guess it comes down to choices. What you want to do with your life.

For me i'm still gathering my options and only when i think it is sufficient i shall make my choices.

and i do pray that these people who are wasting their time away, finds it all worth it and if not, quickly come to their senses. Afterall we only live once.

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/22/2005 01:54:00 AM
||||


Friday, January 21, 2005

Funny how a symbolic day in religious history seems like an ordinary day to me nowadays. Well not only today, the rest of other significant days.
Things like going to the mosque, being exited to see the sheeps, going house visiting doesnt excite me anymore. I rather stay at home and rot.

No surprises here that i'm at home sitting infront of the tv and computer on a lovely aidiladha afternoon.
well actually waiting for the rest of the family to finish dressing up to go to my grandma's place, which is like a few blocks away.

Family gatherings also dont seem to excite me anymore, i'll be the one sitting at one corner of any house we are at and observing everyone and minding my own business. The only perks i feel is the food. haha...

aite i better check if everyone is ready...

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/21/2005 04:15:00 PM
||||


I've finally changed my layout after so long
*does victory dance*
haha..

hmm but somehow when i view it on IE it looks different from my default browser, mozilla firefox *shrugs* i donno if its the same on other computers i'll try and fix it somehow, but for now i like it the way it is.

Mid-sems are over, i'm glad its over and done with, but then there's still group projects and events that needs to be done.

Currently waiting for my bro to come back with food. I am starving!!! The last time i ate was like 12 hours ago. sheesh.

oh yea caught elektra today after accounts paper with naddy & melly. Even though it cant be compared to spiderman 2 or X-Men its still good.

ooh i hear my bro at the door...
shall go eat now hehe...

oh yea btw
to all my muslim friends,
Selamat Hari Raya Haji =)

salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
1/21/2005 02:20:00 AM
||||


Thursday, January 20, 2005

i was sitting down thinking
and somehow something came to me...

you know all those women who are abused by their husbands? Beaten and treated like scum of the earth? Sometimes i cant help think how stupid these women are. Why dont they just pack up and leave? Why stay?

Then i realise how wrong i was to judge them.

These things are never easy.

Have you ever loved someone so much and you believe in them no matter what. To keep believing that everything will be okay the next day and believing that he will change. To stand by him even though people close to you tells you how blind you are.
But then love is blind.

Being married and having a family is not something you can toss in the wind. Emotions are attached. And sometimes there are the kids to think about. To want them to have a complete family, to want them to be happy and not break up a family.

I salute these women who try but then as much as i acknowledge their strength and determination, i shudder to think what they let themselves into
I pray that for them that it would be all worth it, if not, let their sufferings end soon...



She wipes the tear from her brow
She has been cryin again
She has been walking into walls again
Behind her quivering smile, there is a secret
That goes deeper than the cuts she hides

Her head’s spinning around
He bet her soul to the ground
A grown woman in pain
And all she longs to be, is that little girl, again

She screams inside, and all she wants to be
All she wants to be, is yesterdays child
She wants to hide, and all she wants to be
All she wants to be, is yesterdays child

Curled up shivering alone, she has been hurt again
She has been walking into walls again
Her children keep her alive
They are her sanity, but they are the reason why she has to stay
A grown woman in pain and all she longs to be is that little girl, again

||:PreCiouS:||
1/20/2005 06:14:00 PM
||||


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

gut instincts are never wrong... or are they?
as for me my gut instincts have been right even though deep down i do not want to believe it. Cause i follow the principle of not judging and only when i know firsthand. As it turns out whatever i felt was in a sense not just my paranoia, i was technically more or less on the dot.
Somehow i dont know what to think of it.
Sometimes it just leaves me speechless.

Friendship is something precious that an individual could ever have. There are times you spend more time with your friends then your own family.
Thats how i view friendship, something precious.. but sometimes i see how people take that lightly especially around me.
sometimes i cant help wonder why.
Am i too nice that actually allows people to step all over me?
Is it because people see me as something they can use to get what they want?

and sometimes there are people who are afraid.

afraid of what's happening in my life cause it seems to complicated for them. They dont think they can help me with what i'm facing so they stay away.

But dont they realise that by staying away hurts me even more?

I dont need people to solve my problems.
I dont need pity.
I dont need people to magically make my problems dissapear.
cause that's why i'm here for, to solve my own problems. Cause god put me where i am for me to learn, cause he knows i can handle it.

All i need is them to just be my friends.
period.
i dont expect much
i never do
but then i always end up in the down side of things
people i call friends avoids me
as if i have some plague that is infectious

or even worse
to keep up appearances.

for what purpose?
i just dont get it
if you dont want to be around me, fine, then dont...
why hurt me even more with insincerity?

*sigh*

Some even thinks that i keep secrets from them. What secrets? My life is like an open book only that i dont talk about it that much until someone asks, i dont devulge much into whatever goes on in my life cause i learnt that life takes on its own course and some things are simply better left unsaid but then for those who knows me you should know better then that....

i donno whatever it is i feel blessed to have whatever i have now. Its either that or nothing. You gotta take whatever you can get and i am thankful that i have people who i can count on as my friends, who would not judge, accepts me for me, even tho i can be crazy/wierd at times but yea, they allow me to be me and understand.

To these friends i thank you.

Epecially to tania, desheng, mx and marcus who has always stood by me especially when i was at my lowest. I owe you guys alot.
Thank you so much for everything. =)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Somehow i felt i had to say all that, and i'm glad i did. Will there be any repercussions? Maybe, i donno but whatever i said came from the heart, and i meant every word.

Two more papers to go and i cant wait to get it over and done with.
I have yet to even touch my accounts but hey i'll get there soon haha...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dearest kay,
i read your blog posting and i thank you for being honest with me cause not alot people are nowadays, even tho how much i can actually sense it.
Why do you feel guilty? I dont need you to totally understand my problems,cause i know you have your own. I dont need you to solve my problems for me cause it is mine to solve. I just want you to be you. Be the kay that i know and love. Like you said, all you have to do is be my friend, so be that friend. That's all i need. period. Likewise i'll always be there for you no matter what. =)
Life is what you make out of it. =) Oh and yes i did have fun on thursday =)
god bless


salute

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

-Quotable Quotes-

"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?" -Eugene Kennedy

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." - Elbert Hubbard

||:PreCiouS:||
1/19/2005 01:48:00 AM
||||


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I am Tickled
(underaged peeps are adviced not to read this due to alluding of certain male organs)

Something i lifted from Mr Brown's blog:

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy "laughs" when you tickle it under the arm.

A new blonde employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

At 0845 that day, the Foreman from the assembly line begins to complain about the new employee to the Plant Manager. He said that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Plant Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of bright red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Plant Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".


||:PreCiouS:||
1/18/2005 04:55:00 PM
||||


Monday, January 17, 2005

finally fam law individual assignment is done, just need some proof reading and off it'll go to Ms Yu's intray tomorrow, well technically later this afternoon =)

Right now i'm sneezing like nobody's business, i wonder why, it getting kinda irritating haiz...

Mid-sems officially starts tomorrow and i have yet to study for any of my three papers cause i've been busy trying to complete fam law and law advo's cases... basically its my fault for alot of digression on my part when i could have finished all of them earlier. But nevermind i'll still make it thru, i know i will hehe...

Finally caught Phantom of The Opera at the Cinema with my sis. I absolutely loved it, loved the songs. I wouldnt expect everyone to like it cause its a musical and stuff but no matter, as long as i loved it hehe =) The Phantom looked intriguing with his mask and i loved his voice and christine's too. Definitely a must see... haiz now i wanna buy the soundtrack...

Waiting for the weekend to come to catch elektra. Wohoo Jennifer Garner, cant wait...

oh yea btw mx, what taufik's cd cover? If according to kay is what you actually meant... i do NOT look like him! haiyo... how can we even resemble each other sheesh...
gosh i'm starting to see a trend here.. for the past month people have been coming to me telling me that i either look like a friend's friend, a distant cousin or somebody's sister... hmm then how come i've never actually bumped into these ppl?

Speaking of taufik batisah, even tho i'm getting sick of his face appearing almost everywhere, i eventually got to listen to his debut album that my bro bought. For the first singapore idol, well overall the album is not that bad. Very R&B, doesnt sound so much like typical singaporean albums. I wonder why they re-recorded 5 songs that he sang in Singapore Idol but nevermind its still nice even tho i'm sick of I Dream, too much airplay tsk. The last song was recorded specially for his mum, the late P.Ramlee's Ibu. The song i think is made famous by one of those milk commercials, was it dumex? or was it klim? or some other brand? haha i forgot, it was a darn long time ago =P But still it was sweet.

I suddenly somehow feel that something is lacking in my life. I cant pinpoint it but yea something is definitely lacking. sigh.. so what do i do to fill this void? Wait and see what happens? hmm perhaps.. we'll just see...

right now i need to get back to studying OB...

take care peeps and all the best to those who actually have mid-sems to take....

salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
1/17/2005 01:37:00 AM
||||


Saturday, January 15, 2005

i'm glad that i found it when i went back
thank god...

was playing around with some of my pics just now...




nice??

aite right now i'm too tired to blog about anything else, will do when i find the time =)

take care peeps

salute =)

||:PreCiouS:||
1/15/2005 01:38:00 AM
||||


Thursday, January 13, 2005

i am an idiot

i can believe that i'm so bloody careless

i blame myself

should anything happen to it i'm so dead

everything that i have is in there

everything

azi what were you thinking?

how could you let it slipped from your mind?????

shite

i better get to school before the lab even opens tomorrow

if its gone (and i pray it is not)

i dont know what i'm gonna do...

||:PreCiouS:||
1/13/2005 11:28:00 PM
||||


i apologize for the previous entry.. at that moment my words were true, i meant every single thing then, thats just it, its always in the moment...

Have you ever said somethings that you never meant to say, never meant to hurt anyone but you still said it anyway because you let your feelings override your judgement?

i guess everyone must have at some point of time...

i just feel empty right now, hollow... and at the same time i feel rushed and i'm so scared that i dont have enough time to do all the things i'm suppose to do and end up screwing everything up. *sigh*

c'est la vie *shrugs*



I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

||:PreCiouS:||
1/13/2005 01:38:00 AM
||||


Wednesday, January 12, 2005

i bloody had it
i cant be doing this day in and day out, i have my freaking limits too you know...
everyday i go home its like the same thing over and over. i cant get a bloody decent noise level which actually allows me to study and i end up sleeping very very late cause thats the only time i can get some peaceful studying. Yes sure blame me for having to sleep at the freaking wee hours in the morning, getting up groggy a few hours later to go to school and looking freaking tired all the time. Its come to a point where i have to stay bloody late in school so i can get some schoolwork done.

My damn computer is down i cant even get it to start, i cant bloody do my report which is due this coming monday, basically i cant do anything if i'm either 1) not in school or 2) using my sis/bro's comp.

i'm seriously gonna burst one of this days. I had it with sharing, i had it with the insufficient space that i get so much so that i have to use the floor to put my books and things when everyone has a bloody decent place to actually put their stuff, i had it with people going thru my stuff without my permission, i had it with waiting, i had it with the frequent irritating noise, i had it with me trying to shout at my siblings to shut up so i can concentrate on something cause i dont want to be shouting at them in the first place, i had it with running around like an idiot, actually pushing aside pressing things that i have to do just to make things work and people not caring, i simply had it with every bloody thing.

you know what i feel like moving out. yes even though i just got back after 7 bloody long years. Maybe thats the bloody problem in the first place.

I know i should not be angry but i am. i'm bloody pissed especially at myself for feeling this way. Half of me wants to stay but half of me cant take it anymore. The me inside feels like screaming and screaming not wanting to stop but i cant cause thats just how i am.... my life is just one big merry go round and it never seems to stop and i'm getting so exhausted with the same things happening over and over again.

i just had it you know...

i'm spent...

||:PreCiouS:||
1/12/2005 11:50:00 PM
||||


Monday, January 10, 2005

have you ever seen someone for the very first time and have this what i would call strange attraction to that person. You sitting at one side of the room, and the person standing on the other side, taking sneak peaks as each other and your eyes met cause you caught each other looking.
but then that all you do cause both are too afraid to do anything else. The girl waiting for the guy and the guy waiting for the girl to make the next move, heck any move for that matter.

Thats basically my life. waiting.
is there more to my life then just waiting? or am i destined to take matters into my own hands? but hell how do i do that when i dont expect anything but expect something? how can i allow myself to burdern others with things that they shouldnt burderned with in the first place? Its my responsiblity to live through it so why would it be fair to have to share that burden with another? or am i just being selfish?
maybe i'm afraid. afraid of what might come. afraid what i might feel. afraid of what might happen.
funny how i'm not afraid of showing my vulnerabilites here but afraid of everything else. sure i'm not afraid to admit that i too get scared. heck i'm only human and sometimes this fear actually drives me to do better but sometimes it makes me lose out in the end.

Have you ever dreamt of meeting the one? the one that you've been waiting for your whole life. someone who you can share anything with no matter rain or shine, who's there for you, understands, cares for you more then you actually deserve.. and sometimes in search of that special someone, you overlook that that particular one is actually right infront of you all along but you were blind to see it until its too late...

as for me i've given up hope and actually finding anyone. well maybe not but as for now i'm contented with where i am or so i say...
have you ever looked at your palm and wondered what life has in store for you?
I look at my palms and there's too many lines that covers it. straight lines, crosses, you name it... i wonder why i've so many lines compared to others.. does it actually say something?

sometimes i feel like i take things for granted. I never take time to tell my friends and family how much i love and appreciate them.
+my family+
where do i even begin? we make an odd family. all of us. giants of our time? haha perhaps. all my younger siblings are taller then me, go figure =) i've been away for a few years but now i'm back and somehow things feels normal altho we often butt heads on certain issues. I love all of em' i really do, i cant imagine losing anyone of them but that's how far it goes. I'll do anything in my power to help them or basically put do almost anything... but dont show affections as i should cause i feel awkward... that's what 3/4 of a decade does to you when you're away from your family that long...
+friends+
they are a rarity in my case. someone once said that if you can count the number of friends with one hand you can consider yourself lucky.
at this stage of my life i'm lucky to have people who i call friends. They have been by my side and been there for me when i need them, giving me credit when none is sought or derserved... to them i thank you.

as today starts its the beginning of a hectic schedule for me. deadlines, midsems, corrospondences, planning and execution. Am i bothered? i would be lying if i said no but then i feel blessed cause i have something to do, something that matters.
as i realised, time moves fast and it waits for no one. So as not to get left behind we need to move too.
same goes for opportunities. It comes and it goes. It doesnt wait for indecisiveness. It waits for no one. When opportunity comes grab it. Something my mum taught me long ago.
but how do you know if that opportunity is worth your time. What if you have the opportunity but not the resources?
when there's a will, there's definitely a way.so i keep telling myself =)

solitude is like a luxury nowadays. Being constantly surrounded by people i somehow like being alone now and then. To do your own thing, to hear your own thoughts, to hear the wind whisper in your ear, to escape from reality.

someone mentioned before about them turing 20 and that being old. haha as compared to turning 40, age is somehow just a number... but turning 21, that always has been a big deal for a young adult especially in singapore cause it when you official turn legal. you are responsible for your own actions. its when you do not need your parents consent to do whatever you please.
come 10 months time that's what i will be. will turning 21 make any difference to me? heck i dont think so. Things will remain as they are, my birthday will suck as it usually does, i will still be living where i am now, only difference is i'm a year older and do not need my mum signature on any consent document except when i'm unconsious and need an emergency operation. how delightful

do you have a dream? well i have... or so i thought...
i've always dreamed of being successful. Doing the things i love. but somehow it changes when my path takes a turn leading to another, and when this happen my original dreams get blurred and suddenly i have a new goal, a new dream. so the road i travel is now forked. The end of the line is not as clear as it seems. The light that you usually see at the end of the tunnel? its not as bright as it first was.
so how do you decide then? what do you do in order to get to that end of the tunnel? which dream do you follow or do you do it all?

have you ever wondered what kind of person you will be when you grow older? have you ever imagined what kind of person you would want to be? i have and sometime i wonder if i have the capacity of being that person. well like they say you are what you think you are. perhaps i should start from there and work my way towards the person i would want to become. a person who doesnt doubts herself, sure of what she is doing, not afraid to love, committed, confident, true to ones principles, being a good daughter, sister, friend, colleague, wife(?)one can only hope =)

we all come in different shape and sizes.
we have our own strength and weakness. whats right for one person may not be the right for the other...what may be important to me may not be important to you at all. sometimes people's behaviour doesnt make sense to me and sometimes its vice versa. i cant expect people to want the same things that i want, as we are not the same person we dont always see things the same way and that's what makes us unique.
and more often then naught all we want is acceptance. to be accepted as who who we are.
Thats all i ever wanted truth be told... to be accepted for who i am and not for trying to be something i'm not.


salute


||:PreCiouS:||
1/10/2005 03:49:00 AM
||||


I did this online personality tests and the results, well they are scary cause they are kinda accurate, well thats how i perceive it anyways...


The Idealist - INFP
As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people.
Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.
Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante.
An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well. INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations.
On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them. INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause.
When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause". When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet. INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it.
Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst. INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem.
The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives. INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.
INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.
Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted thinking


||:PreCiouS:||
1/10/2005 02:06:00 AM
||||


Sunday, January 09, 2005

i think my blog needs a new makeover... i guess i'll do it once i'm not so busy.

Anyways there's this one particular thing that has been bugging me the whole night, am i bloody transparent? It has come to a point where i dont need to say a thing and people would know. well except for the things i'm very good at hiding, for example the occasionaly pains =)
Sometimes when people somehow guess whatever they are not suppose to it comes a lil too late cause it was like a long time ago and i've already gotten over it. And when this is the case they dont believe me *shrugs* or perhaps whatever there is in the first place is still lingering, oblivious to me.. or perhaps i'm actually denying the actual existance of it...
gawd i'm not making any sense am i? haha..

Well i ended up going for the law prom yesterday. Even though i didnt want to go in the first place i could actually sense that i would be going eventually, which i did. It was a total last minute thing, i didnt have anything nice to wear, heck i dont even own a dress haha =) well whatever it is i came in something comfortable so it was alright. It was the seniors night afterall so let them be the ones all glamed up =)
Totally enjoyed myself and honestly i havent drank as much juice as i had in a span of few hours. Lime, cranberry, apple and orange, a wierd combination to say the least. Reason i was only drinking juice? cause they were also serving alcoholic drinks which i dont drink. Religious purposes if you understand =)

Overall the prom was a smashing success, well if you compare to all the other events law have ever generated. Kudos to the organising committe for all the hard work and effort they put into the event.
Was glad that Tania and Candy was with me. If only tania didnt have to sit 3/4 of the time and joined in the dance, and well candy had set her sights on one of the so called cute individual. ok ok fine gotta agree with her he is cute haha..

well completion day for conveyancing is either tomorrow or tuesday, depends on the class you're in. Peeps have been asking me about all the completion stuff and some are making me confused although i'm sure what i'm suppose to be doing. My group has yet to meet up and decide who would be taking on which role but i'm suspecting my file would be the victim hmmmz...

Mid sems coming up and i'm starting to panic. I still need to study for my french vocab, writing and listening test. So afraid that i'm gonna flunk that test. OB and accounts have yet to be touched which i swear i'm gonna start revising in awhile.
The term is ending so bloody fast and the next thing you know there goes the semester... sigh...

I havent been doing much photography lately. My laptop is still down, i cant upload my pics.. simply put i cant do anything, unless my bro allows me to install my camera and photography softwares on his comp and after uploading all my photos, i'll simply burn it on a disk and delete it from his comp so that i wont take up his disk space.

I discovered that like friendster, blogs also connects people. When you link a person's blog and vice versa, everyone is somehow connected. Like when you see a familiar face on the street sometimes it dawns upon you hey isnt that so and so's friend cause somehow he's either featured in a friend's blog or his blog is connected to a friend. Sometimes to think of it, its kinda awesome when everyone is connected by some degree of relationship. The world is not actually THAT big =)

alritey then i need to get started on my school stuff, oh and get rid of this bloody headache that i'm having...

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/09/2005 04:51:00 PM
||||


Friday, January 07, 2005

everytime i thank god for giving me a high threshold of pain...
i dont know how i could have survived the whole evening and the train journey back... i wouldnt be surprised if i collapsed in the middle of the train cabin. The 30 mins journey seemed like an hour and it wasnt helping that the train was packed and i was standing in the middle of it all. I was gripping the hand rail so hard that my palms were red and on the way home on the bus i was biting the bottom of my palm just to bear with the actual pain. sigh... if one of these days if it really gets worse i dont know what i'm gonna do already....

moving along....
went to watch budak pantai today, actually managed to bring melly, naddy, hidayah and nuraini along. Glad to know they enjoyed the performance =)
BP was fantastic as usual, instead of their usual performance at the rooftop of YMCA it was held at the auditorium to accommodate more people i suppose. They sang some new songs and some old songs and nuraini i suppose was impressed when they sang siti nurhaliza's "bukan cinta biasa" =)

There was a study trip briefing this afternoon. If all goes well and i hope it does the study trip would be around end of april to early may, right after the supplementary papers. Majority who attended the briefing voted for UK which is so totally fine with me =) i really hope that i can go for the study trip, mum has given the ok cause she says never let an opportunity go to waste, but, i'm worried about the financing. We are not well do to as it is...
well we'll see how it goes...

i dont think i can continue with this entry cause the pain is seriously killing me... gonna go hunt for a painkiller... well if i can find it that is....

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/07/2005 11:48:00 PM
||||


Thursday, January 06, 2005

its either i'm going crazy or my mind's just whacked today.
I'm questioning a lot to myself today. Things like my relationship with people, what the hell i'm doing with my life, what is freakin wrong with me etcetc and then this question popped into my head.. am i cold? am i destined to be a loner? cause i seem to be losing friends over the years.... well people who i thought were my friends... am i just mere acquaintances to people i know? cause sometimes that how it feels like...
is being there for someone and doing your best now not enough? must friendship always be about something more and giving more than you can and about material things?

This week has been a very tiring week for me. Somehow i just dont feel up to par and i'm always drained not to mention not feeling well, not eating as much as i should (like i shld be at least be eating more then 1 meal a day) and tossing and turning for hours at night.

You know sometimes i wish that i could see myself through another's eyes to see for myself what kind of person i really am and if i am that person would i actually like or dislike myself.

a year 1 approached me a few days back and told me that one of the lecturers have been telling them about me and the lecturer mentioned something along the lines of if they ever want to find a "kakak" (which means elder sister in malay) they should come and find me cause i'm logical.... ?????? me? logical? wahahaha......
a word i'll never use to ever discribe myself. I wonder what the lecturer ever saw in me... i dont think i even make a good sister. Just look at my own family, i'm trying my darnest and i feel like i'm failing. I try to please them, sacrifice/give whatever i can for my siblings and i dont think whatever i'm doing is enough. How can i ever be a sister to anyone if i'm failing in the same role i'm in?

have you ever given your 110% into something but still afraid that you will dissapoint people and they dont realise how much thought and effort you've put into it? well that's how i feel.. I'm afraid. i'm afraid that everything that can go wrong will. i'm afraid that i will stumble and make a fatal mistake.

Have you ever made a mistake that will haunt you forever that you can never reverse the effect cause you're just too late.... you're too late to do anything cause you were then either too young/juvenile/stupid and then time wasnt on your side... and that guilt haunts you and never goes away?
They say time heal all wounds.. well i say bullshit. it doesnt.

i guess i'm having one of those days when i think too much sigh...

i'm just not in one of my cheery moods today...


i'm sorry i cant be the person you want me to be
i'm sorry i cant always be strong
i'm only human and i have my weakness too...

||:PreCiouS:||
1/06/2005 11:32:00 PM
||||


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

i've been staring at my computer screen for the past half an hour and my mind is in a complete blank. I know i'm suppose to study for french and conveyancing but my mind is to exhausted to do any thinking right now.. haiz.. and now my left eye is begging for me to take out my hard contacts and all i want to do now is sleep.

I'm waiting for someone to come online so i can pass her some documents but she doesnt seem to show any signs of appearing..sigh..

anyways there is gonna be a memorial service for the tsunami victims this sunday at singapore expo hall 2. If you're free and would like to join in the prayers and stuff do come down.
Mercy relief is also looking for volunteers during weekdays to help sort and pack the donated items to be sent to the affected areas. I cant remember where the location of their temporary warehouse is but all i know is that its in one of the abandoned school buildings, will update you guys once i have the confirmed location.

i saw him again when i went out for dinner with my sis a few weeks back. As expected he didnt notice me even though i was just one person behind him, not surprising cause i'm always a distant memory to people.. *shrugs* i dont even know why this even came to mind at this particular moment sheesh

i still wanna watch phantom of the opera which i didnt get to watch yet.. maybe i'll go watch it by myself tomorrow or thursday, we'll see hmm...
and i cant wait for elektra to open in cinema!Played the trailer online and i think the story line sounds great and not to mention that jennifer garner looks gorgeous in the film =)

hmm too tired to do anything else now, i guess i should go to sleep and take my bloody contacts off... at least i'm only wearing only for one eye and not both, dont know how i'm gonna cope if i have to wear hard contacts for both eyes...

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/04/2005 11:29:00 PM
||||


Monday, January 03, 2005

in school now and i'm bored.. well not exactly bored but my eyes are tired. I just finished preparing stuff for project twinkle and for the meeting tomorrow... I seriously cant wait for the actual day of the event to come even though i know there is still loads of stuff to do and two of the orphanages are taking their own sweet time to give the confirmed number of kids they are sending as well as their names. hmmz...

in case you're wondering what in the world is project twinkle?
Well project twinkle is this event that i specifically planned for orphange kids. Well in some ways you can call it my baby haha... It was intially suppose to be a camp that was originally named camp sunshine until i found out that there was another camp somewhere in the world with the similar name. This project has gone through numerous memos, names and postponement. But i say its all worth it cause hey its for the kids =)

The objective of this project is to bring some joy and fun into the lives of these kids.. It may be a day but hey it will remain in the memories of these kids for life. If all goes well we will do follow ups on the kids, do a mentor-mentee kind of thing...
and somehow i hope project twinkle will continue on being an annual thing.. well i hope =)

Its now eight and i'm hunggrryyy. Havent had breakfast, lunch nor dinner bleargh.. but i'm kinda thinking of doing more work now before i go off, i should be in full gear remember? haha... but how to be in full gear with no fuel? haha... oh well shall now ponder on what to do next...

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/03/2005 07:52:00 PM
||||


Sunday, January 02, 2005

cool weather we're having (no pun intended here)
stayed at home all day thankful for a day of rest. Been watching the news everyday on the development of the tsumani affected countries....

speaking of which budak pantai is having a performance for a little difference this friday at the YMCA rooftop. Tix for students is at $10. Proceeds from the tickets will go to mercy relief. Please if you appreciate good music and want to do your part in the relief efforts please do come. If you're interested please let me know so i can help book a place for you and we can go together =)

I'm suppose to have loads to do but i'm not doing it. Perhaps i'm still in the holiday mood. So here i am infront of the computer trying to get something done and failng miserably haha... Have a french test to study for, conveyancing and family law tutorials to do, project twinkle stuff to clear and get started... hmmz..
come on azi get it together.... i swear i'll go into full gear tomorrow =P
and i just realised mid sem tests are in like 2 weeks?
gee whizz... gotta start cracking man.

alright my stomach' s growling, somehow this kind of weather always makes me hungry hmmz...
oh well gotta go grab something to eat..

salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
1/02/2005 07:49:00 PM
||||


Happy New Year to one and all!
May the new year bring you wonderful and precious memories to come =)
For some, things will get better, have faith =)

First time i ushered in the new year not at home but with friends.
Started off new year's eve watching Kungfu Hustle with Tania, DS, Peiming and Ju. Alvin didnt want to watch the movie so he only joined us later for dinner Honestly the movie was downright silly and lame. Had a good laugh =)
After dinner the four of us excluding ju and Peiming went to the esplanade. We were joined by xuan, mei and kiat on the way there. Well as expected, it rained. On and off actually. But thankfully it stopped when awi and his band RAFE was scheduled to perform. The band was brilliant as ever and awi's mum and girlfriend was among the audience.

After the performance, i went back to the group as i was the only one sitting. Marcus, Yolanda and Darren had joined the group sometime when Rafe was performing. Then we spotted naz and iz who was there too.
well as we started to move off from the powerhouse some of us got seperated cause the crowds was damn huge. We made our way to the bridge when i found out tania, mei, DS and kiat wanted to proceed home. It was like half an hour till midnight and i didnt want usher in the new year in the train geez... well neither did yolanda as i found out... so me, yolanda, marcus, darren and xuan made our way to the coffeehouse at citylink to have our own mini countdown haha...

When we got there, just as we were about to settle in, naz and iz appeared again haha... and they decided to stay with us too. So at stroke of midnight we had our minute of silence and toasted to the new year =)
And it was then i witnessed a marriage proposal for the first time. Hell it was so sweet, made me want to cry haha...

Funnily after the toasts everything, our table topic suddenly changed to about the end of the world, theories and deaths? yea something like that. Kinda wierd but then its something well recorded in religious books and such. I guess loads of people have been preaching and saying stuff about signs of the world ending... to its now not actually how its gonna happen, its actually when. *shrugs* well i wont continue on this depressing topic cause its.. depressing haha...

anyhow, i hope you guys started off this new year with a fresh new start on things =)
If you dont have a resolution dont worry its not a big deal, as long as you have a goal in life and continue to focus and work on it, everything will work out fine =) Have a lil' faith, it won't hurt =)

salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
1/02/2005 01:52:00 AM
||||


.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.

.Through Their Eyes.

::azfar ::amin ::apRi ::candy::
::celine ::desz ::david:
::dexter ::darren ::deedee::
::denise ::edel ::ernie::
::fidz ::haider ::han::
::haze ::hally ::huda::
::ifah ::indra ::ezad::
::jaslyn ::jasmine ::jay::
::jjonsson ::kay ::lily ::lin::
::matsie ::melvo ::marco::
::massy ::mei ::mitch ::mraz::
::mrbrown ::nadz ::naz::
::nur ::nurul ::ode ::priya::
::peiming ::riah ::roihan::
::soffie ::sashi ::seasons::
::sheng ::tania ::vit::
::vonny ::xuantong ::YoLie::


.Archive.

  • October 2003
  • November 2003
  • December 2003
  • January 2004
  • February 2004
  • March 2004
  • April 2004
  • May 2004
  • June 2004
  • July 2004
  • August 2004
  • September 2004
  • October 2004
  • November 2004
  • December 2004
  • January 2005
  • February 2005
  • March 2005
  • April 2005
  • May 2005
  • June 2005
  • July 2005
  • August 2005
  • September 2005
  • October 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
  • September 2006
  • October 2006
  • November 2006
  • December 2006
  • January 2007
  • February 2007
  • March 2007
  • September 2007

  • .ShoutOuts.



    .Reading.


    .In My iPod.

    Fall Out Boy - Infinity On High
    Josh Groban - Awake
    My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
    James Morrison - Undiscovered
    Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds

    .contactez-moi.

    ||:Email:||:Friendster:||:MSN:||




    MyShoutbox.com - Free Shoutbox!


    Get Firefox!

    -
    Add to Technorati Favorites




    games
    Twitter and Facebook SMS Updates <bgsound src="" loop=1 >