Monday, January 10, 2005

have you ever seen someone for the very first time and have this what i would call strange attraction to that person. You sitting at one side of the room, and the person standing on the other side, taking sneak peaks as each other and your eyes met cause you caught each other looking.
but then that all you do cause both are too afraid to do anything else. The girl waiting for the guy and the guy waiting for the girl to make the next move, heck any move for that matter.

Thats basically my life. waiting.
is there more to my life then just waiting? or am i destined to take matters into my own hands? but hell how do i do that when i dont expect anything but expect something? how can i allow myself to burdern others with things that they shouldnt burderned with in the first place? Its my responsiblity to live through it so why would it be fair to have to share that burden with another? or am i just being selfish?
maybe i'm afraid. afraid of what might come. afraid what i might feel. afraid of what might happen.
funny how i'm not afraid of showing my vulnerabilites here but afraid of everything else. sure i'm not afraid to admit that i too get scared. heck i'm only human and sometimes this fear actually drives me to do better but sometimes it makes me lose out in the end.

Have you ever dreamt of meeting the one? the one that you've been waiting for your whole life. someone who you can share anything with no matter rain or shine, who's there for you, understands, cares for you more then you actually deserve.. and sometimes in search of that special someone, you overlook that that particular one is actually right infront of you all along but you were blind to see it until its too late...

as for me i've given up hope and actually finding anyone. well maybe not but as for now i'm contented with where i am or so i say...
have you ever looked at your palm and wondered what life has in store for you?
I look at my palms and there's too many lines that covers it. straight lines, crosses, you name it... i wonder why i've so many lines compared to others.. does it actually say something?

sometimes i feel like i take things for granted. I never take time to tell my friends and family how much i love and appreciate them.
+my family+
where do i even begin? we make an odd family. all of us. giants of our time? haha perhaps. all my younger siblings are taller then me, go figure =) i've been away for a few years but now i'm back and somehow things feels normal altho we often butt heads on certain issues. I love all of em' i really do, i cant imagine losing anyone of them but that's how far it goes. I'll do anything in my power to help them or basically put do almost anything... but dont show affections as i should cause i feel awkward... that's what 3/4 of a decade does to you when you're away from your family that long...
+friends+
they are a rarity in my case. someone once said that if you can count the number of friends with one hand you can consider yourself lucky.
at this stage of my life i'm lucky to have people who i call friends. They have been by my side and been there for me when i need them, giving me credit when none is sought or derserved... to them i thank you.

as today starts its the beginning of a hectic schedule for me. deadlines, midsems, corrospondences, planning and execution. Am i bothered? i would be lying if i said no but then i feel blessed cause i have something to do, something that matters.
as i realised, time moves fast and it waits for no one. So as not to get left behind we need to move too.
same goes for opportunities. It comes and it goes. It doesnt wait for indecisiveness. It waits for no one. When opportunity comes grab it. Something my mum taught me long ago.
but how do you know if that opportunity is worth your time. What if you have the opportunity but not the resources?
when there's a will, there's definitely a way.so i keep telling myself =)

solitude is like a luxury nowadays. Being constantly surrounded by people i somehow like being alone now and then. To do your own thing, to hear your own thoughts, to hear the wind whisper in your ear, to escape from reality.

someone mentioned before about them turing 20 and that being old. haha as compared to turning 40, age is somehow just a number... but turning 21, that always has been a big deal for a young adult especially in singapore cause it when you official turn legal. you are responsible for your own actions. its when you do not need your parents consent to do whatever you please.
come 10 months time that's what i will be. will turning 21 make any difference to me? heck i dont think so. Things will remain as they are, my birthday will suck as it usually does, i will still be living where i am now, only difference is i'm a year older and do not need my mum signature on any consent document except when i'm unconsious and need an emergency operation. how delightful

do you have a dream? well i have... or so i thought...
i've always dreamed of being successful. Doing the things i love. but somehow it changes when my path takes a turn leading to another, and when this happen my original dreams get blurred and suddenly i have a new goal, a new dream. so the road i travel is now forked. The end of the line is not as clear as it seems. The light that you usually see at the end of the tunnel? its not as bright as it first was.
so how do you decide then? what do you do in order to get to that end of the tunnel? which dream do you follow or do you do it all?

have you ever wondered what kind of person you will be when you grow older? have you ever imagined what kind of person you would want to be? i have and sometime i wonder if i have the capacity of being that person. well like they say you are what you think you are. perhaps i should start from there and work my way towards the person i would want to become. a person who doesnt doubts herself, sure of what she is doing, not afraid to love, committed, confident, true to ones principles, being a good daughter, sister, friend, colleague, wife(?)one can only hope =)

we all come in different shape and sizes. we have our own strength and weakness. whats right for one person may not be the right for the other...what may be important to me may not be important to you at all. sometimes people's behaviour doesnt make sense to me and sometimes its vice versa. i cant expect people to want the same things that i want, as we are not the same person we dont always see things the same way and that's what makes us unique.
and more often then naught all we want is acceptance. to be accepted as who who we are.
Thats all i ever wanted truth be told... to be accepted for who i am and not for trying to be something i'm not.

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
1/10/2005 03:49:00 AM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.