Thursday, January 06, 2005

its either i'm going crazy or my mind's just whacked today.
I'm questioning a lot to myself today. Things like my relationship with people, what the hell i'm doing with my life, what is freakin wrong with me etcetc and then this question popped into my head.. am i cold? am i destined to be a loner? cause i seem to be losing friends over the years.... well people who i thought were my friends... am i just mere acquaintances to people i know? cause sometimes that how it feels like...
is being there for someone and doing your best now not enough? must friendship always be about something more and giving more than you can and about material things?

This week has been a very tiring week for me. Somehow i just dont feel up to par and i'm always drained not to mention not feeling well, not eating as much as i should (like i shld be at least be eating more then 1 meal a day) and tossing and turning for hours at night.

You know sometimes i wish that i could see myself through another's eyes to see for myself what kind of person i really am and if i am that person would i actually like or dislike myself.

a year 1 approached me a few days back and told me that one of the lecturers have been telling them about me and the lecturer mentioned something along the lines of if they ever want to find a "kakak" (which means elder sister in malay) they should come and find me cause i'm logical.... ?????? me? logical? wahahaha......
a word i'll never use to ever discribe myself. I wonder what the lecturer ever saw in me... i dont think i even make a good sister. Just look at my own family, i'm trying my darnest and i feel like i'm failing. I try to please them, sacrifice/give whatever i can for my siblings and i dont think whatever i'm doing is enough. How can i ever be a sister to anyone if i'm failing in the same role i'm in?

have you ever given your 110% into something but still afraid that you will dissapoint people and they dont realise how much thought and effort you've put into it? well that's how i feel.. I'm afraid. i'm afraid that everything that can go wrong will. i'm afraid that i will stumble and make a fatal mistake.

Have you ever made a mistake that will haunt you forever that you can never reverse the effect cause you're just too late.... you're too late to do anything cause you were then either too young/juvenile/stupid and then time wasnt on your side... and that guilt haunts you and never goes away?
They say time heal all wounds.. well i say bullshit. it doesnt.

i guess i'm having one of those days when i think too much sigh...

i'm just not in one of my cheery moods today...

i'm sorry i cant be the person you want me to be
i'm sorry i cant always be strong
i'm only human and i have my weakness too...

||:PreCiouS:||
1/06/2005 11:32:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.