Tuesday, February 22, 2005

perhaps sometimes i expect too much...
and sometimes people expect too much from me...
i apologize if my entires sound somehow depressing or whatever you may call it
the thing is i cant be the stone statue some people want me to be
i'm sorry if its wrong for me to keep silent and not always tell you what is bothering me cause you hate it...

i guess this is what happens when you bottle too much things.. hmm...

however i'm trying... i'm trying to be stronger than i already am
i'm trying not to depend on people so much so that i can prevent myself from constantly getting hurt...
i guess i've been selfish of wanting things that i know i wont get...
i guess i've been pretty much stupid to wait for that special someone to actually come and save me cause i now realise that it will never happen...
and i'm trying not to be too stressed out with work...

hmm sometimes i take a step back and look at myself and sometimes i wonder what in the world am i doing? why am i letting myself down? haha.. sometimes i even think i'm a hazard to myself.... then i realise for what purpose am i allowing myself to be let down for things i cant control cause in the end i'm living my life for me....

perhaps i expect too much because i know my path is short. Cause somehow i dont see myself still breathing at 40. yes i'm pessimistic but i'm realistic. i know i'm gonna end up like dad but somehow i picture myself being less fortunate then he is, cause i picture myself being alone cause i wouldnt want to be a burdern to anyone and i dont see my luck ever changing cause life has been so trying... bottomline is i can never be like dad... I've always seen him at a point where i can never reach...

kinda sad that i never really had a father daughter talk with him at all... honestlyi dont know what he is actually like, if i did, i dont remember... i only remember stories... i only remember minor details... i only remember that he is respected by alot of people, especially his friends, till today...

anyways as long as i have faith and my conscience is clear i guess i'll continue doing what i do even though sometimes i get nothing out of it....

sometimes i feel like i'm repeating myself... its like my thoughts go in circles haha... at this rate a lot of people are gonna get bored with me... but its ok i know how much a boring person i am which still amazes me that people actually do read my blog haha...

anyways i apologize to those people who thought i was ignoring them cause i was keeping silent. I just wasnt in the mood to talk... i hope you guys understand...

To latha.. thanks gerl for being there everytime i needed someone to talk to when i'm at a loss...
Love ya gerl =)

This song from Train has been playing in my head the whole day and funny how some of the words rings true...

Whose eyes am I behind
I don’t recognize anything that I see
Whose skin is this design
I don’t want this to be the way that you see me

I don’t understand anything anymore
In this world that I’m tired of
Is taking me right up these walls
That I climb up
To get to your story
It’s anything but ordinary

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind
Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine
‘Cause your what I need so very but im anything but ordinary

Can you save me from this world of mine
Before I get myself arrested with this expectation
You are the one look what you’ve done
What have you done?
This is not some kind of joke
You’re just a kid
You weren’t ready for what you did

And when the world is on its knees with me its fine
And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time
Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine
‘Cause you what I need so very but im anything but ordinary

I think im trying to save the world for you
You’ve been saving me too
We could just stay in and save each other

Im anything but ordinary
(ordinary)
Im anything but ordinary
(ordinary)

now i just wish this cough will just go away... sigh...

oh and to matsie... glad to hear you're alright... take care of yourself ya and get better soon =)

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
2/22/2005 10:59:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.