Monday, February 07, 2005

Random Thoughts

I wonder why i wasted tears on you
how i could let myself be hurt by something that means nothing to you
i now realise how foolish i have been
as beautiful as you are ice runs through your veins
a fool i was to think that you would change...

my wonders of life never seems to cease
the miracles of birth
the pain of death
attempts on my part to understand life
but to be misunderstood
i learnt that it comes with being an individual...

from experience i've come out stronger
to look at the negative with positivity
to smile through my ache and sorrow
to know that there will always be tomorrow
and understand that inspite of everything
people have their own opinions too

as i gather strength through my journeys
i found friends who has always been there whom i failed to see
i take comfort in knowing that i'm loved
i feel blessed to have something so precious

how can you be afraid of something but accept it at the same time
to live with the possiblity of not seeing another day go by
to know that life is short and not being able to make full use of it?

do you have a dream?
i know i have
let me tell you mine...

before i die i wanna have my own photo exhibition in a gallery
photos that i am proud to call mine
to travel around the world
to see places that i can only read in books
to take photos of things that captures my eye

sounds too far fetched?
maybe not
that's not all...

another thing i wanna do before i die is see to that my family is stable and well taken care of
i wanna open my own business and do something i enjoy
to do something with my own hands, to find joy in something i can call my own
it doesnt have to be big, just sufficient
to give my mum that well deserved rest that she needs
to be able to get my sibling through school and all their medical expenses

before i die i want to be a social worker
to help those who are less fortunate
to guide those who are lost
to make a difference in someone's life
i want to be able to share whatever life has taught me
to give a person renewed hope
to give back what has been given to me
a life worth living

before i die
as depressing as it sounds
life is short
and i've come to terms with it

i wonder what i would do if one day the doctors told me i only have a few days to live?
my dad passed away without even that luxury of the doctors estimating his remaining time he had... perhaps if he knew things wouldnt be as it is now...

I've been thinking alot about that dad this past few days, especially eversince i had this bad cough which does not show any signs of going away.
The week before dad passed away he was having horrible coughs. I never really knew why dad was always falling sick. He was in and out of hospital like checking in and out of a hotel.
When dad passed away doctors told my mum that his aorta burst when he was coughing too hard.
so now whenever i have a very bad cough i get scared. I'm get so scared especially when i think i cough too hard, cause me and dad, we're not that different. Whatever he had, i have too...

but all i can do is keep to myself and slowly breathe whenever it happens. How do you actually tell a person what you're actually feeling when they ask you if you're alright?
I dont believe in going around telling people how much pain i am or how afraid i am cause what's the point? Cause in the end i'm the one who has to deal with it, not you, not anyone else.

sometime i cannot help but question why. Why me and my siblings.
I should know better shouldnt i.
But i take comfort in knowing how strong we are dealing with every blow that we face. Every operations we've went through, every pain we feel at times.
I believe that whatever life has instore for us, we'll get through it together, as we've done countless times before....

||:PreCiouS:||
2/07/2005 11:13:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.