Thursday, June 09, 2005

Self Relfection

I treasure a lot of things in life even though i do not show some that often. May it be feelings or actions, i'm still learning as i go along and there are some things that i need to get used to. Sometimes when i reflect on what kind of person i am, i consider myself materialistic at times, but i'm generous with whatever that is within my means.

I know i aint perfect nor i try to be. But sometimes i try to please people too much that it leads to bad consequences. I can be extremely quiet, loud, crazy, sarcastic and even bitchy at times. But thats who i am. I know it irritates a whole lot of people and I apologize if it irks people like hell but unless you dont tell me where i might be doing wrong then i can do nothing about it.

I suppose one of my weakness is that i actually care about what people think. My friends opinion matters alot. Friendship is very valuable to me cause somehow i gather that frienship and me dont gel, like how some people can never get along with technology. Reason why i let happenings of friendship get to me so much. I've always tried to figure out how friendship work. How people can be so close to each other for a decade or two and i dont seem to have any friendship like that. Maybe i should get the hint. Perhaps I'm not a good friend to begin with. But what i dont understand is why i let myself get upset with people i have no control over.

Perhaps maybe all these problems lies with me. I'm the problem to begin with. The source of every dissapointment, anger, misunderstandings etcetc...
I suppose growing up where i was made a huge impact on me. Being laughed at, having no one to confide in, getting thru alot of stuff that lead to the scars which were left behind... Maybe i got too independent for my own good...

but...

this couple of days i began to realise that whatever notions that i considered as friendship aint really friendship. Arent friends suppose to accept you for who you are with whatever imperfections you might have? Friends are suppose to accept each other for who you are and not peck at every imperfections you have. Not laugh at you when you leave the table for a second because whatever you said didnt register with them or act strangely around you cause they arent comfortable with you.

And i realise i do have friends. Real Friends. Friends who accept me for who i am. Crazy, quiet, loud, sarcastic, you name it... Whatever mood swings, situations or problem i have they will be there for me no matter what. They wont laugh at me but with me. With them i dont need to second guess myself. I do not need to raise up my guard. I can just be me and they will just accept me for being plain ol me. Even if i can be quiet irritating. =P

I realise that i'm doubting myself so much nowadays that i'm not doing myself any good.
Its time i look at what i'm good at. Use that to my advantage instead of thinking of minor things. Curse of the female gene? perhaps? You dont see guys go into deep thoughts about these kind of things do you? I'm quite jealous of this instant brotherhood thingy guys tend to have.. hmm...

So i've come to a conclusion that i am not going to allow myself to get upset/disturbed about minor things that should not get me so affected in the first place. I'm gonna channel whatever strength i have into whatever stuff i want to do, go with my heart and no let people affect me.

And i found a perfect theme song for my new resolution
i love the lyrics and it cheers me up evertime i'm down...
so i've decided to put it on my blog hehe =D

Who I am

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That’ll be alright
If I don’t make it to the big leagues
If I never win a grammy
I’m gonna be just fine
’cause I know exactly who I am

I am rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am

So when I make a big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know I’ll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin’
I will be just fine
’cause nothin’ changes who I am

I am rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am

I’m a saint and I’m a sinner
I’m a loser, I’m a winner
I’m steady and unstable
I’m young but I am able

I am rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am

I am rosemary’s granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy
But I’ve got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It’s all a part of me
And that’s who I am
That’s who I am

To Tania, DeSheng, Aida, Ifah and Candy
Thank you for everything! Love you guys =)
*hugs*

||:PreCiouS:||
6/09/2005 12:42:00 AM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.