Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

Sometimes i just dont get it
I get people who tell me that they are busy
that they have deadlines etcetc
hmm like i dont?
Arent I in the same bloody course too?
So is my deadlines way way different?
I too have a family
I too have commitments and responsiblities

Hmm does that mean i'm freer?
Then how come i feel like i'm up to my ears with stuff to do and that i'm almost toppling over?

Who now do i find support?

You know how sometimes you stand in a crowd of ppl and at that moment feel so alone?
I did
after so long
just yesterday i did

I just stood in the middle of the crowd
lost
friends at different parts of the crowd
but i felt alone
and my heart felt like it broke...
but what can i do but carry on like nothing happened?

oh well
i should be used to this kind of feeling anyways
since it has happened before...

You know it is so simple to drop everything and run away
not care about responsiblities or commitments
but that is the only thing that seem to keep me sane
believe it or not
but how can i do it alone?
Cause sometimes it feels like it
Cause i see expression in faces
I read feelings that has been expressed
and i know when someone doesnt want to be where they are
only if they just tell me
what am i doing wrong?
am i forcing people to do something they do not want?
then tell me
i'm not psychic
i cant read minds
i rather have someone tell it to my face then hearing it for someone else...

My body and mind is tired
tho i refuse to admit it
if only theres some sort of miracle pill/drink that can give me more energy
haha..
time is running short for alot of things
and i fear that i might not be up to par
not meet the deadlines
not be able to pull off what is expected of me

fear is a very scary thing
but fear is a good motivator
but attempting something with fear is not good
so i think i shall embrace it instead

Elanor Roosevelt once said
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face."

I gotta start believing in myself
rise up to the challenge =)

****************************************************

I was watching Oprah the other day
the topic that was dicussed was on how young/teenage girls are hurting themselves
how a 17 year old girl calls herself and ugly beast
a 16 year old have slept with 8 guys
another 16 year old who finds comfort in food because it makes her feel whole....

I think there are some people who can relate to them
Me for one
in the show they featured, there was this girl who is very tall for her age,
her shoes are like a size 12 and guys in school keeps calling her ogre and other names....
like her when i was still living in the orphanage, guys too called me names
because of my height, the way i walked, how i looked, how i was different from the other girls...
but unlike her who had tennis as her salvation, i had nothing....
Living in an orphanage you dont have much
which is why i seldom take compliments at face value because i grew up knowing that i was never pretty and that i was strange.

So as it is the programme was an eye opener for me
how some girls do somethings because of the lack of a father figure
which i also realised is why i yearn to be loved
or like eating because it makes one feel whole?
no wonder i keep stuffing myself with comfort food...
at least i dont gain weight doing that
but still i'm making myself unhealthy
heck i feel unhealthy =P

after some self reflection
I guess i learnt something from it...
and so i have a new mantra

"What matters most is how you see yourself..."

So what if people say negative stuff about me
What matters most is how i see myself
Its my life and i'm living it
not any other people

wheeeeeeeeee =P

aite i need to get start on the game show research that i'm suppose to do for ccn
till then

salute! =)

||:PreCiouS:||
7/27/2005 11:03:00 AM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.