Thursday, October 27, 2005

Empty

I never did get it when someone tells me
"Wah you're on MC, so shiok!"

or

"Ooh someone's having fun"

What in the world?
(I shall refrain from using any explicit swear words)

Bleah. Do you think I like to take MC for the fun of it?
As if I like to feel sick at the wrong time and make a bad impression of myself cause I've taken the maximum number of MCs we are allowed to take

Speaking of which, that is the most stupidest thing ever, I think.
A limited number of days you can be sick. Its like If you have taken medical leave for the maximum number of times you are allowed to and you fall sick again, you have to drag your ass back to work, even if you feel like dying.
Tsk

Someone in the office told me I still look pale.
I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me I look like death or that I look like I'm gonna drop off my chair

I just got back from my overall supervisor
Got reprimanded for something
Thanks
I feel the love

Not

I don't care anymore
I’ve decided that I do not ever want to work in the law firm or any other law firms for the rest of my life

My heart aint helping
I just wish it would stop hurting

Bleah but who cares
I wont tell cause for all they know I might be faking it
Yes as I predicted I got a warning for already taking 3 days MC
Seriously. Whatever.
I’ll still look bad even if I ended up dead
I already have a black mark to my name
For being sick and failing to inform that I had one extra day of MC
Yayness

I’m such a bad person
Tsktsk

Maybe I should do something drastic
Spruce up my already bad image
Who wants to be good?
Its sooo last century

Somebody just please end my misery
It'll be better for everyone
Don't you think so?

sigh
sorry
i just feel a lil down today
and the morning didnt start off great either...

all i can say is
TGIF tomorrow....

salute

||:PreCiouS:||
10/27/2005 10:46:00 AM
||||

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Contemplation

I'm still on Medical Leave
The doc gave me 2 days of MC and suggested that i go to the polyclinic to get a referral to the Hospital to get my heart checked cause she's worried about some extra sounds she can hear in my heart... hmm...
and i'm still contemplating whether i should go or not.
yes somebody pls strangle me. LOLx

I know i should have gone this morning cept that i couldnt bring myself to get off the bed cause my chest felt heavy...
apart from that i guess i'm kinda afraid.
Afraid you say? moi? of getting a referral?

Yes i am.
Cause what if they go thru all the stupid tests and find there's really something terribly wrong with me? then what?
I dont think i can afford whatever is gonna happen next.
and part of me is afraid that i'm gonna end up like my dad....

What if they have to do some constructive surgery or like whatever they did to my brother, i dont think i can handle it.
Sure i've been to a couple of major surgeries and it should be a piece of cake right?
well i dont think so.
i dont think i can afford the time and expenses. Not to mention the daily intake of medicine i would have to take for the rest of my natural life.

I dont want to be a burden to my family, especially my mum.

Sure it may sound stupid since you might think , hey what's the harm? its just a check up. If they found something all the better since they can fix you.

It may be so simple to say it but believe me its not as simple as it sounds.

Fix me?
No one can fix me. Fix one thing and another new problem will crop up.

I'm starting to think i'm a walking disaster and i think i've burdened people i care about enough times already.

sigh
i think too much dont i?
=P

Sometimes you feel like you can do it all
then you find yourself stumbling and you see yourself fall
you question yourself and ask where did you go wrong
and you realise sometimes things just happen
Its part of being human
making mistakes
picking yourself up no matter how hard you fall
you keep teling yourself you've gotta stay strong no matter what
but sometimes being strong all the time takes all the energy out of you
and thats when you start to feel tired all the time
you dont know who turn to
you dont know who to trust
and you ask god why
why all these obstacles?
why all the pain?
but you know god wont put you in a situation where you cant handle
so you presevere
so you push yourself
smile even tho you're hurting
laugh even tho it makes you look crazy
but its the only thing that keeps you sane
and all you can do is hope for a miracle
and perhaps hope that your saving grace will come along
and find you....

||:PreCiouS:||
10/26/2005 04:27:00 PM
||||

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Rainy Day

guess what?

I am currently now at home. Yep i'm on MC. Yet to go to the doc tho cause it was raining cats and dogs earlier on.

My heart literally hurts like a bitch and every breath i take is like there's something not letting air through, as tho theres a huge hole in my heart.

And now my head feels as if someone just bashed it against the wall
oh great

and why am i blogging?
cause i'm tired lying on my back and feeling nauseated.
geez...

coincidentally the last time i took MC
which is for a totally different ailment
(yes i sound like i have alot of medical problems
which is only too true and i shall not elaborate)
I was not given work at the office
and spent 8 hours of doing absolutely nothing
and yesterday the same thing happened
and here i am at home so sick that i couldnt even suck it up, pretend i'm ok and get off my back to go to work.

argh i hate feeling sick
and i have only one MC day left
which i hope i dont get to use...

okie before i fall off the chair im my dizziness
i shall end here
salute =)

||:PreCiouS:||
10/25/2005 05:01:00 PM
||||

Monday, October 24, 2005

Monday Morning Reflections

So here I am in the office typing this out as a draft on Microsoft Word before transferring it to my blog, hoping that I somehow look busy. LoL

Yes indeed as this post may suggest, I have nothing to do in the office, so here I am trying to kill time... again... LoL
In case you’re wondering I did ask for work and none were given... so yea... sigh...
And it doesn’t help that now my eyes feels tired and my brain is shutting down soon, and its only like 10.30am in the morning!

I’m trying to think of ways of making myself busy. I’ve read and browsed thru CNA, CNN, FOXnews, BBC… how many news updates can you get in one morning? *smilez*
I have even had time to read thru the Administration of Muslim Law Act in Singapore hehe…
If only I can open my novel and read perhaps all the free time I have at the moment may count for something, but I can’t possibly be reading a novel amidst all the busy secretaries surrounding me, that would be... err... unwise? LoL =P

This kinda reminds me of a thread that izhary posted on BB previously. If I’m not mistaken it went along the lines of “Is it harder to work or pretend that you’re working?”

I guess the answer really depends on the situation itself and where you are. For example for me to pretend working is somehow hard when you are sitting in the middle of a group of people and your every movement is noticeable. You get nervous and stressed thinking, "oh god what should I do now? Everyone is so busy and I’m doing nothing… I’m running out of ideas of things that can keep me occupied and make me look busy..."

And then there are those who are in a different firm than me and given tones of work to do and can hardly catch a breath to breathe and to add to that with a bitchy secretary watching their every move like a vulture waiting to strike. Now that is equally hard. Hmmz…

Anyways have you noticed the abundance of natural disasters happening around the world lately? First it was the tsunami disaster in Asia, followed by Hurricane Katrina, Earthquake in North Asia, Hurricane Rita, Now comes Hurricane Wilma... can you believe it? 7 hurricanes in 14 months to hit the States.
Not to mention the different epidemics that has been going around like Dengue and Bird Flu.

Are these some of the effects of global warming? Is Mother Nature trying to balance the number of homosapiens co-existing in this century? Is she trying to make us realize how we have taken some things for granted?
Some may have scientific answers, some philosophical one... but through all these adversity you see strength and courage, mistakes made that could be learnt from...

Then there are the Man-induced disasters/terror... whatever you may call it...
The terrorist attacks in Madrid, London and Bali. The recent riot in West Birmingham in the UK.
These senseless losses of innocent lives...

I just don’t get it.
History. A chronological record of events, as of the life or development of a people or institution, often including an explanation of or commentary on those events
The branch of knowledge that records and analyzes past events.

Man has been around thousands of years. Wars that went down throughout history, the brutality of man against each other, battery, torture, slavery, you name it I bet we’re read about it. Be it in history books, autobiographies or documentaries.
We shudder at thought of the experience of what some of these people have gone through.
History is taught, remembered and shared so that we could learn from past mistakes, but what have human kind learnt from these mistakes?

Leaders avoiding warnings of disaster because of their egos, hunger for power… as result? A disaster and an aftermath so huge that it could have been avoided in the first place…
Groups of people claiming to be fighting for a cause that leads to acts of violence and loss of innocent lives. Even lives of people who are part of what they are claiming to be fighting for.
War, an excuse that had been given to justify on doing something that was lead to believe to be doing something right which has an impact on hundreds and thousands of lives and continues to produce a ripple effect.

What are all these violence for?
So far the only outcome has been death, injuries, misery, distraught...
What are some of these people really fighting for?
I suppose when there is good, there is always evil. And sometimes people get confused between the two.

For some, now is an ongoing process of overcoming the odds. Finding courage when everything seems bleak. Finding the strength to move on when there is an overwhelming urge to give up. To find comfort when coldness just surrounds you.

For these people I pray for them.

Time check: 12:20

Just had a visit from vithya who was trying to kill time too LoLx
40 minutes to Lunch
Time please fly faster… hehe…

You know I begin to wonder how I’m gonna be assessed if I’m not given work to do
Not that I don’t take the initiative to ask, which I actually do… hmmzz….

Oh and yes
I think the standard of food home delivery has dropped tremendously
First I thought it was a one off occasion... until yesterday...

You see, yesterday my siblings and I decided to order in pizza for break fast since none of us felt like cooking, and when it came 15mins later then what was promised, first they delivered the wrong sized pizza. Instead of getting 2 Large, we got 2 Regular and then they also forgot our extra order of another bottle of Pepsi.
So well they apologized and all and promised to send us another two regular pizzas to make up for the wrong delivery and the one extra bottle of Pepsi we ordered... which came 1 hour later!
What in the world…
This is not a one off incident
They have forgotton one or two of order in previous occasions before...
Geez man…

Sigh… and mum has been sick for the past few days, and I’m worried. Argh and I think I’m not doing a very good job as an elder sister... Bleah... so what’s new huh?

which reminds me, i need to go and bring my lil sis and bro to buy some new outfits for raya since its coming soon.. like next wk!
and yes only for them, i'm contented with my recycled clothes and since we are on a tight budget as always =)

Aite till the next post
Salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
10/24/2005 12:28:00 PM
||||

Saturday, October 22, 2005

well two friends of mine got attached to each other recently
was i shocked or surprised?
well not as much as they expected LoL
lets just say i have a sixth sense for these kind of things =)

Saturday afternoon and i'm bored
glad that i'm going out this evening
somebody owns somone a treat after losing a bet LoL

was bloghopping and came across this quiz
and why not since i aint doing anything productive at the moment hehe..

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1)Azi
2)Zizah
3)Azai

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1) Precious
2) Nikizah
3) Minerva

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) Height
2) Teeth
3) err figure? cause i can eat anything i want and not gain weight LoL

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) my scars
2) feet
3) err hips? LoL

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1) God
2) Losing my loved ones
3) falling in love (?)

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1) Music (my mp3)
2) a book to read
3) water

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1) t-shirt
2) jeans
3) hair band

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1) trust
2) communication
3) understanding

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1) eyes
2) smile
3) erm height? i think LoLx

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1) photography
2) reading
3) doing something creative i suppose (i.e arts&craft, sketching,etc..)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1) fly to London for a vacation
2)watch a movie
3)sleep

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1) social worker
2)photojournalism
3)radio dj

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1)London
2)Rome
3)Paris

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) get my family a bigger home and fufill my obligations as a sister and daughter
2) visit my father's grave
3) showcase my photos in an exhibition

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1) i'm lazy at times
2) i prefer comfort over all else
3) i like cars

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1) i'm not against the color pink
2) i like to pamper myself at times
3) i have long hair =P

THREE MALE/FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES:
1) David from IL DIVO
2) Keanu Reeves
3) Adam Rodriguez from CSI: MIAMI

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
err doesnt really matter
anyone who's bored i suppose =)

||:PreCiouS:||
10/22/2005 03:45:00 PM
||||

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I had absolutely nothing to do yesterday since my supervisor was MIA and i ended up sufing various websites, reading up british history and whatnots and i came across this astrological profile of a Saggitarius that somehow perfectly described me! LoL

A brave babe with a lust for adventure and travel, you can't sit still and watch the world go by without jumping in to sample the goods! Even if you're a shy Sag, exotic places and people fascinate you - and weird food from far-flung places makes you slobber. Trying new stuff and sampling the best life has to offer are the traits that make you terrific. Routine rubs you up the wrong way, so best you spice up your life with loads of change in décor, interesting mates and hobbies. You're best at inspiring people to overcome their fears, winning arguments and smiling when you're surrounded by gloomy faces.

Your fashion sense is fun and funky - one minute you're massively sloppy and the next it's a fancy-schmancy party look with twinkly glitter! As a mate, you're the bomb and few match your loyalty and liveliness. Honest and outgoing, you're the ideal listener, but make a super-fudgy party companion too. Relationship-wise, the man's got to be prepared to go with the flow as you change your mind six times a minute. Stick-in-the-muds won't last with you. When choosing a job, anything physical or interesting would be good bets, including ski instructing, journalism, human resources management, law or social work.

I can't believe how immensely tired i feel at the moment. I know this is not helping with the positive attitude i'm suppose to have but i cant wait for the next 6 weeks to go by and tho i do want time to move faster, it doesnt help that classes will start the week after SIP ends, which means absolutely no break! sigh...

Sure i would like to look forward to a vacation but then it would mean end of my school life cause that's the only time we'll see any break time. And somehow its quite disheartening to know that we only have half of a semester left before the lot of us graduate.

I am so going to miss the cohort. The ups and downs, the laughter, frustration and tears. hmmz...

14 more days to Hari Raya.
Am i looking forward to it?
Honestly cant say that i am... why? Well it shouldnt be surprising tho. I havent been looking forward to this festive season for a few years now, eversince dad passed away, never really have been the same since.
I no longer look forward to house visiting nor going to geylang and surround myself with the festive spirit. Even shopping for festive clothes seems like a chore for me.

I wouldnt mind recycling my previous festive clothes, in fact i reckon i'll be wearing the very same heels i wear to work. Wouldnt have to time to go anywhere on the day i reckon since its a working day the next day. And at the most we would be preety much be visiting just my grandparents at their home.

Anyways for the past few weeks been thinking alot bout London
yes i havent quite had my fill yet LoL
I have yet to finish exploring the British Museum and other places that i wanted to go but didnt had time to then..
Thats' the thing with travelling in a large group i suppose

Anyways my bro had a plan
He's planning to go to UK in 2010
well his main purpose is to go to Anfield stadium since he is such a huge Liverpool fan
and he asked me if i wanted to come along since i cant stop thinking about going back to London...
well on my own expense that is

Interesting plan i thought
perhaps why not
but then it depends if i do have a job by then and have enough money on my own to travel...
tho i then started thinking.. what about mum?
I cant just leave her here while we enjoy ourselves there...
she would want to go too wouldnt she? after all the sacrifices and hard work she has gone through for us, damn she deserves a break...

perhaps if i can save enough
then i started thinking again... what about the rest of the family?? My younger siblings hasnt gone oversas before and i wouldnt want them to miss out...

omg
i need to stop thinking cause i'm giving myself a headache with every thought that suddenly pops into my head. =P

so my decision is? well lets wait another 5 years and see what i come up with.
For now i shall concentrate with what is currently infront of me and happening in the present
LoLx =P

*******************************************************************

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you

||:PreCiouS:||
10/20/2005 09:32:00 PM
||||

i am at home now
when i should be in the office shivering LoL
yes darlings i am on mc
and no i did not take it on purpose cause my back and the right side of my leg is killing me
argh

i think i must have strained my muscles cause i've been wearing heels for the past 5 weeks!
Yes i do not like wearing heels. Once in awhile its fine but every single day??
Do you know how much strain it puts on your lower body? And add to my previous back OP history.. sigh...
Why cant they just let us wear casual shoes or something since all i do is sit at the desk....
ho hum...

the doc offered me two days of leave but i declined and just went for one cause we have limited MC days.. can you believe it? haiz...

I'll be so glad once SIP is over and i can chuck my heels to the back of the shoe cabinet. LoL

yes i know some may be thinking, why not buy flats?

sure i would if i can easily find the size that fits me. Not to mention that i have flat feet which doesnt help much.

bleah i hate shopping for shoes in singapore. sigh...

okie my eyes are tired and my back aint helping.. tho i wish i could take the painkillers the doc prescibed but i'm fasting =P

otay then
salute =)

||:PreCiouS:||
10/20/2005 12:31:00 PM
||||

Saturday, October 15, 2005

hello weekend!

LoLx

i've finally got started on things that i need to get started on
which is good
one step at a time
even though i wish for somethings to move faster then its current speed
but progress is progress
i'm not complaining =)

I'm at peace with myself at the moment
for things i'm deciding to do
let just say i'm growing up
and i'm having a new outlook at things
I know there will be things in life that will irk/frustrate me and sometimes the choices i make will backfire but things happen and i have faith that things will work out and happen on its' own time.

Somehow my heart does not feel as heavy as it has been lately
I realise how self-destructing i've been to myself and perhaps to the people around me.
I know that some of my friends actually noticed this and actually took time to bother and i know i kept silent when they tried to reach me, and i'm sorry.

I didnt respond because i was afraid of making things worse. I was afraid that i would say some stupid thing and drive you away. I needed some time to myself to sort my demons on my own so i could move on from the darkness i was in.

And to my friends who were there i thank you. Mostly for putting up with me and also for your understanding.

Sometimes to get where you want to be, you just gotta get off your butt and do something about it. I know sometimes its kinda scary or sometimes you just dont see the point. There may be dissapointments but sometimes it pays off. But when it doesnt, you learn, you just dont give up cause perhaps there are other avenues that you havent look at and opportunities that have yet to present itself to you.

Well that's what i believe and what i'm going to start to practice. =)

Oh and now i so understand what retail therapy is about LoL

well you see on Tuesday, according to the islamic calander was my father's death anniversary. I didnt want to spend it alone knowing how depressed i will get all things concerning my dad, so I made plans to be with people. But as it turned out it was never meant to be. The first plan got a 'rain check' and the second plan got cancelled at the very last minute. So there I was standing at the City Hall MRT station in the evening after work with no plan and the time to break fast was in a matter of minutes.

Well so i decided to just walk and ended up in Marina Square.
Then i decided since i was already in a shopping mall, why not window shop?
Well instead of window shopping i ended up buying essentials from The Body Shop. It was already past 7 then, and well i didnt feel like eating dinner alone so i continued walking to the next shop with the intention of looking for stuff that i could wear to the office.

And surprisingly it took my mind off what was bothering me. LoL
Tho my knees began to ache and stuff cause i had not eaten the whole day. =P

So yea so now i understand the whole retail therapy thing.
But the other inexpensive way of taking your mind off things is walking. I love to walk. When i'm in the right shoes and weather of course. Well since i cant run, which i would love to do but cant, walking is good enough for me =)

You know how there are some things you want to do but not able to because you dont have the resources?

I love photography.
Every photo tells a story, it captures a moment, a feeling.
One good thing about a digital camera, you dont need to fork out a dime to see the photo you have taken cause all you do is just upload it to your computer.

Sure its simple and enough for some. But i want to actually print my photos. To share it. To hang it up on a wall.
Some might think it is stupid but not to me.

But i dont even know if i'm good enough. If my photos are good enough that people see what i see. I may never know.

That's the thing. I want to pursue it, but I dont have the resource to. I dont think i can afford it. If i do enrol myself in an arts school like LaSalle, i cant afford the school fees. And what if i'm not as good as i think i can be? Wouldnt that be a waste of precious money that my family cant afford?
Not to mention equipments, prints, etc...

sigh...

I'm not sure what i'm going to do just yet
but for now i'll just let this dream stay as that, a dream...
until i can work out a plan or some sort
i wont let it die
if i did i'm only letting part of me die along with it...
which i dont want to

aite i should turn in early
got an errand to run in the morning

salute!

***************************************************

No me abandonas asi
hablando sola de ti
Ven y devuelveme al fin
la sonrisa que se fue
Una vez mas
tocar tu piel
e hondo suspirar
Recuperemos lo que se ha perido

Regresa a mi
Quiereme otra vez
Borra el dolor
que al irte me dio
cuando te separaste de mi
Dime que si
Ya no quiero ilorar
Regresa a mi
No puedo, vida

Extraño el amor que se fe
Extraño la dicha tambien
Quiero que vengas a mi
y me vuelvas a querer
No puedo mas
si tu no estas
Tienes que llegar
Mi vida se apaga

No Me abondonas asi
hablando sola de ti
Devuelveme la pasion de tus brazos

Regresa a mi
Quiereme otra vez
Borra el dolor que al irte me dio
cuando te separaste de mi
Dime que si

||:PreCiouS:||
10/15/2005 11:35:00 PM
||||

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I have a new love!

LoLx no i'm not i love with anyone particular

i'm actually talking about music

i'm a fan of singers with good voices, like josh groban for example

and recently i found out about this group
I'm sure you might heard of them,

IL DIVO

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

they sound good and look good to boot
LoL

anyways...
i know this blog somehow sounds depressing due to past couple of postings....
well if peiming actually commented about it, that's already saying something
hehe... (no offence peiming =P)

i actually have one v.long draft entry abt my view on it
but i left it in my office drawer haha.. oh well
okie lets forget about that and here is what i'm currently thinking....

I will from now on try and refrain myself from posting any depressive or upsetting posts no matter how upset i may be at the moment. Yes i sometimes tend to post stuff compulsively =P

Well cause the thing is, its not doing anyone any good, except for "kaypohs" who loves drama in other people's lives and love to bitch about the person they loath/hate. I may fall into that category, who knows? *shrugs* LoL nevermind that, honestly i dont give a rats ass =P

So from now on i want to be more on the positive side. Everything happens for a reason rite? So i may be bitter or upset now and then but it will pass. We have one life to live, so why not deal with whatever may come =)

I know my passion for some things have been dwindling. Several factors may be the reason behind this and i've come to realise that most of it is because of fear and me allowing myself to drown myself in unnessary emotions and stressing myself out =P well plus a few external reasons concerning unpredictable/predictable human behaviour that sometimes makes you want to tear you hair out LoLx

yes and readers of this blog, i know i sometimes do come across as 'angsty', well my posts i mean. I guess its a phase that i'm going thru in my life. I'm still learning and searching for what's right for me. What exactly i'm living for, establishing my goals and dreams.

ooh and.....
yesterday i've come to a realisation.

I am tired of waiting

i know some of you are going "What in the world is this girl talking about?"

LoL

okie for the past few days i've been literally waiting for people,
it might be to meet up or pass something etcetc
and it hit me while i was in the middle of one of the 'waiting session'
that i was tired of waiting
not waiting as in physically waiting
but metaphorically... err i think =P

well its like this
i realise that i'm tired of waiting for good things to happen to me,
of waiting for the person to make the first move (whoever that person might be), waiting for a miracle, waiting for something i need, something i want...

i guess if you want something to happen, you gotta do it yourself ey?

well for somethings, finding courage is a challenge. Maybe as time pass i'll have the courage to do somethings but for now i'll take one step at a time.. or i could just leave it to fate LoLx

and i think its now time for a change
heck i'm not getting any younger
might as well start to look and act my age
(hmm why do i sound like i'm turning 31? LoL)

what i'm trying to say is
i'm turning 21 in like a month and 10 days? and somehow i dont feel like i look/dress like peeps my age. hmm okay i know i sound superficial at this moment but hey looking good and feeling good is the first step to confidence rite? hmm well that's what i think LoL

ok comfort v style, i'm a comfort kind of person. Sometimes fashion just falls flat on me, well that's what i think. Anyways, sure i'm going to try and make the effort of being more presentable in the way i look and all that but rest assured comfort is still my no.1 priority. Cause why would i want to look good and feel damn uncomfortable? Totally beats the purpose haha...

Then there are those days you just want to wear your most comfortable jeans, shirt and flip flops and not bother about what people might think you look like. I'm usually like that which is why i'm not the kind of person who turns heads.. well cept for some buggers who never seen a female person of my height and keeps staring. geewhiz ok already, no need to keep checking if i'm wearing heels or not. bleah.

Aite i think i've said enough for now
believe it or not i'm actually spent
gotta get some rest
6 boxes full of files waiting for me in the office bright and early tomorrow
the thought of them makes me want to cry
LoL
no i wont cry
but i shall persevere! khehehe

well i'm changing deparment mid wk next wk
am i looking foward to it?
hmm.. the thought of starting all over aint that thrilling but at least i'll be doing something new...

7 wks to go
god help us all
i wouldnt mind if these coming 7 wks will pass in a blink of the eye
wouldnt it be just lovely =P

salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
10/13/2005 10:13:00 PM
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Saturday, October 08, 2005

I've been staring at the four walls of my room for the past hour wondering what i'm suppose to do now.
Yes i do have stuff that i need to do which i dont feel like doing at the moment.
Ironic isnt it. I have stuff to do but i'm bored outta my mind. I havent left the house the whole day, my phone didnt make any sound, no convos on msn, no communication with the outside world except whatever stuff that is churning in my head.
If today was the last day of my entire life i'll look down at my lifeless body and think what a waste.. tsktsk =P

You know how some dreams remains fresh in your mind even if you've woken up. It might be because its a gd dream or a scary one but it keeps running in your head all day?
Well i'm having one of that at the moment. Not a scary one, but strange and nice at the same time. Cant seem to shake it of my mind.. maybe i never want it go away in the first place and want to replay what i cant remember from the dream... hmmz....

I can't believe i'm gonna miss Micheal Buble's LIVE performance at the indoor stadium on Monday!! arghhhhhh! I so want to go but as usual my financial standing always has the last word. bleah.

Internship has been good. I've been learning alot during the week in department i'm currently in. Kinda sad to know i'll be rotated to another dept in a week. Just when i'm getting used to the people ard me.. tsktsk

Been doing some self help reading
and i'm beginning to realise some more things about myself
will blog more on that when i'm done with my self reflections

wokie now i feel like getting some ice-cream
yes i get distracted easily nowadays
especially in the middle of blogging LoLx

till then
salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
10/08/2005 08:49:00 PM
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Monday, October 03, 2005

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...

||:PreCiouS:||
10/03/2005 09:20:00 PM
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Sometimes people should just not listen to what i say and forget i even exist

I know there are several people in one way or another had enough/irritated/pissed off with me

and i shall stay away and promise not to intrude in your lives any further

bye

||:PreCiouS:||
10/03/2005 12:21:00 AM
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Sunday, October 02, 2005

So much for the weekend
it has come and gone with a blink of the eye
and my migrane shows no signs of dissapearing
Having two days straight of feeling like your head being banging against the wall non-stop is not my idea of a relaxing weekend.
Especially when you know you have alot of things to do and it is preventing you from doing that it.

I have been thinking alot lately about what i've been doing and what i'm intending to do and what i could do.
And i asked myself this: what meaning does my life hold?
Am i making the best of what time i have?
If i drop dead at this moment can i look back and said that i have lived a life with no regrets?
Attained somewhat a sense of nirvana?

When i think about it, frankly i wished some things were different. I wish i was more outgoing and not shy, perhaps some areas of my life would in fact be different, or like how i wish i was stronger in different aspects of my life, then perhaps i would have done a better job in handling some things, or be more like a normal person so that i have the stamina to actually enjoy sporting activities or do something so simple like running.

But in reality i'm not those things. Maybe not yet and maybe will never be for one reason or another, but i know i do try to make the best of every situation tho i may get alot of criticism or flak for it.

I believe that i'm still learning. I know sometimes its irritating how i keep reflecting on things or even whine about somethings. I apologize if it hurts your ears or make you want to roll you eyes. Let me know so i'll stop saying anything to you.
But thats just me. I need to visualize and see where i'm going. And maybe i do want people to see my point of view. Maybe thats just it. I care about people's opinion to much that i feel like i always need to justify myself.
Perhaps that is one area i should stop doing.

Sometimes i'm not as strong as people might think.

I do get into mood swings cause that's the way i deal with things. I keep it inside and just shut the world out. Thats how i grew up like cause i learned that nobody cares what your problem is. But the worse part about this is your own friends judging you when it happens. To hear them telling another about what kind a person you are without actually knowing what it is really about. And sometimes it hurts. Like a knife sticking through your heart.
But what can you do?
Pretend like nothing happened and you didnt hear anything.

I may sometimes be a leader, but at times i need guidance too.
And right now i feel like i'm being tied over a pool of shark infested water, and a crowd cheering at the sides waiting for me to fall into it.
What do i do?

I realise that i'm not the kind of person who actually asks for help, because the word "help me" never meant anything. No one is ever there and till this day i've always believed that.
No one is there long enough to care, even if they are they will only constantly dissapoint you.

You know when they say childhood and teenage years are the best years of your life?
I realise after typing all of the above its something that i'm still trying to overcome, cause alot of things i learned back then is affecting the way i do things now.

Vik asked me a v.good question a few weeks back.
What is my ambition?

Should've been an easy question to answer right?

well.. wrong

At that minute my mind drew a blank
I couldnt answer him...

what was my ambition?

Then i thought of my last recollection of any ambitions i had once thought of and wanted to achieve.

I wanted to be a radio deejay, i wanted to open my own boutique, i wanted to work in the music industry and i wanted to do something with photography.

Going into ITE and poly was different. In ITE i knew where i wanted to go, now in poly i'm lost. What in the world am i going to do after i graduate? Knowing how i dislike desk bound jobs.

Now i figured i should take things one step at a time. Do the best in whatever i'm in for now, graduate and see where my path will lead me to. One step at a time.

I'm being haunted by a whisper
A chill comes over me
I've been trapped inside this moment
I'm not victim, I'm not a freak

I've seen the face of my affliction
of my reality
I'm being tortured by the future
of things that are to be
I'm being hunted by a vision
it's like the morning never comes
I feel the burden of confusion
always searching... on the run

Free me
before I slip away
Heal me
wake me from this day
Can somebody help me

Now I'm not a hero... no
but the weight of the world's on my soul
these imagines burn in my eyes
they're burning me up inside

||:PreCiouS:||
10/02/2005 11:04:00 PM
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Saturday, October 01, 2005

The one day i shouldnt have overslept.. i did...
i'm am so sorry to the both of you, i know how pissed you must be...

*****************************************************************

For the past few days i've been out of sorts.
I've been beginning to lose interest on the things that i shouldnt be be losing interest in.
Maybe the tiredness/fatigue whatever you may call it is getting to me...
My passion for things that i may once have is slipping and the thing is i dont know what to do to light it again.....

SIP has been a constant reminder why i continued studying and have a certain dislike for desk bound jobs.
Thank god that my supervisor in IP is back or else i'll be learning nothing and doing office work. Not that i'm complaining. Its just after 3 straight days of "destapling" boxes and boxes of documents, scanning, refiling and burning them into CDs, you wonder what are you learning from all this and it doesnt help as the hours slip by you feel your brain turning into mush... LoLx

Thank god for the SIP kopitiam discussion board on ELaw or i would have gone insane in the office. Actually when it first came up i didnt know how much i actually missed some of my coursemates until i saw the postings.
I know it has only been like one and a half weeks but somehow i miss school, i miss my coursemates and actually miss seeing them hanging out in iLaw..

2 down and 9 more to go.

oh yea btw for those interested, BBQ photos are up in my gallery 2

direct link to the BBQ gallery here

salute!=)

||:PreCiouS:||
10/01/2005 09:57:00 AM
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Thursday, October 27, 2005

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Monday, October 24, 2005

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Monday, October 03, 2005

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Saturday, October 01, 2005

.The Writer.

.Through Their Eyes.

.Archive.

.ShoutOuts.

.Reading.

.In My iPod.

.contactez-moi.