Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Contemplation

I'm still on Medical Leave
The doc gave me 2 days of MC and suggested that i go to the polyclinic to get a referral to the Hospital to get my heart checked cause she's worried about some extra sounds she can hear in my heart... hmm...
and i'm still contemplating whether i should go or not.
yes somebody pls strangle me. LOLx

I know i should have gone this morning cept that i couldnt bring myself to get off the bed cause my chest felt heavy...
apart from that i guess i'm kinda afraid.
Afraid you say? moi? of getting a referral?

Yes i am.
Cause what if they go thru all the stupid tests and find there's really something terribly wrong with me? then what?
I dont think i can afford whatever is gonna happen next.
and part of me is afraid that i'm gonna end up like my dad....

What if they have to do some constructive surgery or like whatever they did to my brother, i dont think i can handle it.
Sure i've been to a couple of major surgeries and it should be a piece of cake right?
well i dont think so.
i dont think i can afford the time and expenses. Not to mention the daily intake of medicine i would have to take for the rest of my natural life.

I dont want to be a burden to my family, especially my mum.

Sure it may sound stupid since you might think , hey what's the harm? its just a check up. If they found something all the better since they can fix you.

It may be so simple to say it but believe me its not as simple as it sounds.

Fix me?
No one can fix me. Fix one thing and another new problem will crop up.

I'm starting to think i'm a walking disaster and i think i've burdened people i care about enough times already.

sigh
i think too much dont i?
=P

Sometimes you feel like you can do it all
then you find yourself stumbling and you see yourself fall
you question yourself and ask where did you go wrong
and you realise sometimes things just happen
Its part of being human
making mistakes
picking yourself up no matter how hard you fall
you keep teling yourself you've gotta stay strong no matter what
but sometimes being strong all the time takes all the energy out of you
and thats when you start to feel tired all the time
you dont know who turn to
you dont know who to trust
and you ask god why
why all these obstacles?
why all the pain?
but you know god wont put you in a situation where you cant handle
so you presevere
so you push yourself
smile even tho you're hurting
laugh even tho it makes you look crazy
but its the only thing that keeps you sane
and all you can do is hope for a miracle
and perhaps hope that your saving grace will come along
and find you....

||:PreCiouS:||
10/26/2005 04:27:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.