Sunday, October 02, 2005

So much for the weekend
it has come and gone with a blink of the eye
and my migrane shows no signs of dissapearing
Having two days straight of feeling like your head being banging against the wall non-stop is not my idea of a relaxing weekend.
Especially when you know you have alot of things to do and it is preventing you from doing that it.

I have been thinking alot lately about what i've been doing and what i'm intending to do and what i could do.
And i asked myself this: what meaning does my life hold?
Am i making the best of what time i have?
If i drop dead at this moment can i look back and said that i have lived a life with no regrets?
Attained somewhat a sense of nirvana?

When i think about it, frankly i wished some things were different. I wish i was more outgoing and not shy, perhaps some areas of my life would in fact be different, or like how i wish i was stronger in different aspects of my life, then perhaps i would have done a better job in handling some things, or be more like a normal person so that i have the stamina to actually enjoy sporting activities or do something so simple like running.

But in reality i'm not those things. Maybe not yet and maybe will never be for one reason or another, but i know i do try to make the best of every situation tho i may get alot of criticism or flak for it.

I believe that i'm still learning. I know sometimes its irritating how i keep reflecting on things or even whine about somethings. I apologize if it hurts your ears or make you want to roll you eyes. Let me know so i'll stop saying anything to you.
But thats just me. I need to visualize and see where i'm going. And maybe i do want people to see my point of view. Maybe thats just it. I care about people's opinion to much that i feel like i always need to justify myself.
Perhaps that is one area i should stop doing.

Sometimes i'm not as strong as people might think.

I do get into mood swings cause that's the way i deal with things. I keep it inside and just shut the world out. Thats how i grew up like cause i learned that nobody cares what your problem is. But the worse part about this is your own friends judging you when it happens. To hear them telling another about what kind a person you are without actually knowing what it is really about. And sometimes it hurts. Like a knife sticking through your heart.
But what can you do?
Pretend like nothing happened and you didnt hear anything.

I may sometimes be a leader, but at times i need guidance too.
And right now i feel like i'm being tied over a pool of shark infested water, and a crowd cheering at the sides waiting for me to fall into it.
What do i do?

I realise that i'm not the kind of person who actually asks for help, because the word "help me" never meant anything. No one is ever there and till this day i've always believed that.
No one is there long enough to care, even if they are they will only constantly dissapoint you.

You know when they say childhood and teenage years are the best years of your life?
I realise after typing all of the above its something that i'm still trying to overcome, cause alot of things i learned back then is affecting the way i do things now.

Vik asked me a v.good question a few weeks back.
What is my ambition?

Should've been an easy question to answer right?

well.. wrong

At that minute my mind drew a blank
I couldnt answer him...

what was my ambition?

Then i thought of my last recollection of any ambitions i had once thought of and wanted to achieve.

I wanted to be a radio deejay, i wanted to open my own boutique, i wanted to work in the music industry and i wanted to do something with photography.

Going into ITE and poly was different. In ITE i knew where i wanted to go, now in poly i'm lost. What in the world am i going to do after i graduate? Knowing how i dislike desk bound jobs.

Now i figured i should take things one step at a time. Do the best in whatever i'm in for now, graduate and see where my path will lead me to. One step at a time.

I'm being haunted by a whisper
A chill comes over me
I've been trapped inside this moment
I'm not victim, I'm not a freak

I've seen the face of my affliction
of my reality
I'm being tortured by the future
of things that are to be
I'm being hunted by a vision
it's like the morning never comes
I feel the burden of confusion
always searching... on the run

Free me
before I slip away
Heal me
wake me from this day
Can somebody help me

Now I'm not a hero... no
but the weight of the world's on my soul
these imagines burn in my eyes
they're burning me up inside

||:PreCiouS:||
10/02/2005 11:04:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.