Saturday, January 07, 2006

Yesterday I found my self in bits and parts of conversation that I wasn't able to relate to and I realize how boring my life was. Where were all these fun and excitement that has been missing in my life? I never did quite live the normal teenage life but I thank god for what am I now. Still…. Conversations with friends that I can never relate to somehow makes me empty. So I remain silent. Letting the excuse of losing my voice cover my uneasiness.

Somehow I wish there was more to my life then how it is and has been. As a child I was sheltered. I played in my own world. Creativity and Imagination were my best friends and how I envied the other children around me with what they have, cause as a child I had even though I had a lot of things going for me like art lessons, piano lessons, etiquette lesson etcetc I only went for it all because I had to. And me being one of those who doesn't like being told what to do, instead of taking advantage of what was given to me, I hated it all. I was rebellious and spoke my mind.

Then the early teenage years came. Dad died when I just started secondary 1 and my world turned up side down. I was sent to the orphanage cause my mum couldn't support us. There I was made fun of cause I was different. I was the the strange alien looking one because of my long limbs and the way I walk. From thereon I became withdrawn and I started to lose trust in everything I know.

Before dad passed away I was diagnosed with scoliosis and I had been wearing a brace for my back. I stopped wearing it soon after dad died...and then I got the news. I had to go for major surgery cause it was not getting any better. 2 surgeries had to be done to correct my problem.

My first surgery was during the end of my secondary 1. It was originally scheduled to be in November but was postponed due to an allergic reaction I had to one of the drugs they gave me before my surgery. After the first surgery I had to learn to walk again. No friends came only close relatives cause I never told anyone.

I missed the first few months of school and I had just been transferred to a new school closer to the orphanage. Secondary school life was a blur. It came and it went. I merely existed because of my heart that still beats and me trying to accept all the changes around me.

My second surgery came around when I was in Secondary 3. I recovered faster than the first but I got very sick in the healing process in the hospital.

At this time, everything already fell into a routine. I was still the somewhat the "unpopular" kid in the orphanage being weird and all. But then I learnt to be independent and self sufficient. I learnt how to act in front of people just to get away with things and wanting to feel what its like being a normal teenager.

At the end of secondary 4 I knew my way around. Then I found out I did badly for my Os. I blame myself actually. I excelled in the subjects I loved but flunked the subjects I had no interest in that were really important to get me into poly.
I soon found myself applying to an ITE and received the news of how I needed surgery for my right eye.

With all these things happening in my life (tho I did leave out a few other details) how could I possibly relate to any happening stuff in my teenage years? The well known gossips of independent/top schools, schoolmates/friends weird/funny antics, the usual teenagers hanging out sessions, puppy love, romance, first love, dates and whathaveyous.

But then if given a chance to rewind time and wish things were different? I don’t I will take that chance cause I would have become the person I am today. Tho there are still areas in my life I feel that needs to be sorted out and learn more about, I feel that I’ve come out of all the experiences I had as a stronger person.

Anyways speaking of which I have yet to visit my father's grave for quite some time now. Anyone fancy a trip to Yio Chu Kang's Pusara Abadi cemetery?

Anyhow lets move on to another topic.

Recently a friend of mine was picked up by two very good looking men and she was so oblivious to it and let them go!

Whatt??

Sigh.

Naivetivity can be very sad sometimes. But still I'm sure she'll get picked up by loads more good looking men and have a nice deserving love life she deserves unlike me.

Me I've totally given up on. I think I'm gonna die an old maid.
Till this day I've never been on any dates, in any relationship whatsoever nor have I been picked by any men before.
I'm either too tall, intimidating, fierce looking, plain looking, weird looking or have a "do not touch/disturb/get close" sign over my head.
Yayness
I'm not lovable.
Bleah.

So for senior prom while most of the people I know are gonna get dates, I'll be going stag and immerse myself in the music provided and drown myself with fruit juices at the bar and definitely make it a night to remember. LoL. unless of course by a twist of fate a date presents itself to me which i doubt will happen. buahaha

But perhaps being single all these years aint that bad as I look back at all the ugly fights and heartbreaking tears I've seen some couples around me have been through. The heartache, the very very bad endings. I thank god I've never gone through all that. If i did i think i would have lose whatever trust i have in the human species and become a hermit for the rest of my normal life.

But perhaps if i'm lucky, I'll find my one when the time is right. When everything falls into place and everything is just right.

||:PreCiouS:||
1/07/2006 11:27:00 PM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.