Saturday, June 24, 2006

Just when i thought i was going to spend the Saturday off doing nothing, with my nose in a good book and some peace, there had to be noise pollution disrupting my almost perfect day. And now i have a headache. oooh if i could scream and ask those people in that huge white tent below to shut that irritating speaker that is spewing god knows what.

I think what i'm going to do in awhile is to get dressed and get far away from the house for awhile and get some fresh air. I wonder where i should go alone on a nice Saturday evening. Anyhoo i need to drop of some prints of mine at the photo shop for my evaluation tomorrow. What evaluation? I'm not gonna jinx it and tell you. Maybe when its all said and done. I'm just gonna say hopefully three times a charm. ;)

Anyways i so looking forward to the little trip that i'll be taking in August and also continuing my studies overseas. About the latter, i know what i wanna do and where i want to go, its just the obvious money and when factor that worries me.

Adulthood is catching up with me and i keep telling myself if i hold my head up i wont drown. Being legal aint all it is cracked up to be. More responsiblities piling on, more headaches and aint it true that money makes the world go round? And i'm struggling to keep up with surviving with the latter.

I think my life seriously needs to go through a total overhaul. I need some excitement, adventure and spice in my life. I wouldnt hurt if i have someone by my side to share everything with and not hold back because of fear of losing, fear of being hurt.

speaking of which i think its high time i start dating or something. Pull myself out from the rut i'm in and start living a little. So Shan Wee you can definitely do me a favour and find me a date with all that jazz. lolx. For the clueless Shan Wee has this 'do me a favour' section on his radio show where he does a favour for his listeners. duh. lolx

I havent been back to the orphanage for quite some time now, and i miss the kids who are still there. Strangely enough every once in a while i still dream about the place, the people and me still living there.

The last time i was there the kids seemed like they've grown up so fast, those who are no longer there are either getting engaged, married or for some have started their own lil' family. And they are all fairly a measly few years older than me and one is even younger than me! wow. I'm happy for them for making the lives they are making for themselves, building for themselves a home and being with people they love.

But i for one cant seem to imagine myself in their shoes. I dont see myself being settled down. I want to do more things, be financially independent, travel the world, meet people, etcetc.. and maybe afterall that, after i've accomplished what i've set out to do, maybe get myself involved in a whirlwind romance and eventually settle down. But then again i dont see that ever happening cause things like that only happen in story books and i seem to have this idea in my head that i'll end up as a spinster, unloved and dying young due to my failing heart. *shrugs*
no point wallowing in self pity right? lolx
i crack myself up sometimes. And i think way to much. oh well. lolx

and you know what. I just realised after a week, that last weekend was father's day. And somehow i felt bad. I mean i shouldnt even feel bad considering dad is gone and all, still. I still get teary eyed when i watch a show on tv or at the movies when a certain scene shows the strong relationship between a father and his daughter, or even when i'm reading a novel that show's that certain relationship. I know its been what almost 9 years? and i still get that pinch in my heart and teary eyed when i think of him. The what ifs. If i was a dissapointment to him and all this time feeling that i have been. just a dissapointment. What life would be like if he was here today. What life would have been, will be.

and out of this 9 years i've only visited his grave once. Only once. Which is like what 7-8 years ago? if that qualifies me as a bad daughter, then yes that i am.

anyways its now abt 6.30pm, if i ever want to get out of the house better do it soon. They now have some lion dance thingy downstairs. omg. the headache.... psh.
aite might as well go down central singapore to the riverside or something and hopefully they have some live music happening there to de stress me abit. lolx

salute!

||:PreCiouS:||
6/24/2006 06:00:00 PM
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2 months in focus - random shots

taking it to the streets.....

post dreamscape 3.0

chilling with the guys - pre NS days

Genting - thrills & frills

summer thirst

graduation
(p.s i'm still waiting for more grad day photos to be passed to me.. naz hinthint)

I seriously need to get myself a new camera and stop depending on other peeps to bring theirs.. hmm....

||:PreCiouS:||
6/24/2006 12:20:00 AM
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Friday, June 23, 2006

A Cool Rainy Friday Morning and i wonder why i'm out of a warm toasty comfortable bed and in the office, cold, hungry, bored, and nursing a throbbing headache.

Work has seriously slowed down because of my impending departure from the firm next week and also because the mess of files when i came in is now in order.

Went out yesterday with my darlings, dee and melly. Been awhile since we've been out together. Caught up on what's happening, did our usual bitching, impromptu phototaking in the streets of orchard and planned for things to come in the near future like out holiday day trip and studying overseas.

Anyways since this throbbing headache is bothering me and i do not want to think about anything in particular so.. "Boredness" at work has resorted me to doing this.. Ripped this off someone' s blog and decided to do this. .so bear with me lolx =P

7 Random Things About Me
1) I'm a chocoholic
2) I suffer slowly and painfully when i'm chained to a desk job of routine work
3) A good book always let me forget about reality just for that moment
4) When something is worrying me i'll take a very long walk
5) I have a long standing far fetched dream of making a living out of travelling the world and taking photographs of my travels
6) I'm a very accommodating person
7) I enjoy making people happy

7 Things That Scare Me
1) extremely crowded places
2) losing myself
3) the unknown
4) having to go for any sort of surgery in the future
5) ending up as a spinster
6) losing the people i love
7) not being able to pursue doing what i love

7 Random Music At The Moment
1) "Amazing" - Westlife
2) "Here With Me" - Dido
3) "How Did I Fall In Love With You" - Backstreet Boys
4) "Collide" - Howie Day
5) "You" - Switchfoot
6) "All'improvviso Amore" - Josh Groban
7) "Time of Our Lives" - IL DIVO feat. Toni Braxton

7 Things I Like Most
1) The Rain (When i 'm indoors)
2) Indian Summer Breeze (Lovely time to take a walk)
3) Photography
4) Live Music (no out of pitch/ loud punk rock noise please)
5) My Height
6) Nice Surprises
7) Achieving whatever it is i set out to do

7 Things I Often Say
1) "Hello!"
2) "Hmph.. Rubbish"
3) "Rrrightt.."
4) "What the...."
5) "okay"
6) "fine"
7) "i'm hungry"

somebody pls talk to me on msn before i die of boredom......... sigh.....

||:PreCiouS:||
6/23/2006 10:24:00 AM
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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Alrighty then.

First time in weeks I have not much to do. Maybe its because I'm leaving at the end of the month.

Yes you read correctly, I'm leaving my job at the end of the month. Surprisingly so my boss is really nice about it.

You see after almost a month of working full time in a law firm, I realize I'm not cut out for law. The routine, the working hours, the pressure and the mind numbing factor just makes me feel 'blah'. I do not think i can continue the constant 3am jolts and all that jazz. I didnt really told my boss that i wanted to resign right out. I didnt care about the pay that i will lose earning but more on my sanity. During the weekend i stewed and worried and couldnt stop thinking what is the best thing i could do with my situation.

So bright and early on Monday morning, when i had the night before made up my mind to resign, i arrived in the office the earliest i have ever been and found out to my surprise that my boss had actually came back on Sunday (i think) and installed a shelf for me, there was even a note with a smiley face to me to mind my head so i would not accidently knock my head on the shelf when i decide to stand up. And damn did i feel guilty about even wanting to tell him i wanted to resign.

When he came in later close to noon, i didnt have the courage to let him know what was on my mind, so i decided, maybe later when i have gathered enough courage. A few minutes later, he came to my desk to give me back the files that i had left on his desk to sign, and then he suddenly asked me, "are you ok?" and to my horror i started to cry. omg. i was thinking "shit what the hell am i doing????" lolx

anyways the boss told me to come into the office cause he was obviously shocked when he saw tears streaming down my face. In his office he asked me again what was wrong and i told him. I told him how law didnt suit me, how i miss having passion in doing something, my reasoning behind how lack of passion is disastrous for me and the mistake i had made the previous week and how dissapointed i am with myself.. well that was the gist of it i suppose.

And all the while i was speaking, he was looking at me in amusement. ish.
But all in all he told me he actually understood. He assured me of some things that i was so worried about and he was nice about it when i hinted to him that i wanted to resign. He told me to give the job another try, finish up my probation period and help him clear his backlog and when i leave i'll leave on a good note and he wiill have no problems recommending me to other jobs that i might be interested in.

Relief washed over me like you would never believe it. lolx.

Then yesterday he called me into his office again. He told me about how miserable i looked the day before and he was thinking about it. He thought how unfair it was for him to ask me to stay longer when clearly i was miserable and that it would be difficult for him to actually teach me new things knowing that i'll be leaving soon. So he said that he'll confirm with me in a few days and that i could leave at the end of the month.

yupyup.

So i'm now on the prowl for interesting new jobs. I'm not fussy about the pay as long as i enjoy what i'm doing. Then applying for University for next year's intake will be my next priority and planning out the estimate expenses i would be spending in college and how and where should i get a study loan. and i'm definitely NOT be taking up law. I've already kind of decided what i want to do but i'm still researching where is the best place to go. =)

On to other things..

DREAMSCAPE 3.0

Dramatec's major production this year. Directed by three of the most talented people i know, Dee (Nadira), Shahdon & Shikin.

This year's production was a device play and something that to my knowledge DT has never done before. Throughout the process, even though i'm not part of any of the planning and execution process, i knew there were alot of ups and downs, doubts and frustrations. But the play pulled through as i knew it would.

The play was brilliant and the actors were fantastic. They challenged themselves and became their characters.

Sir Richard Thomas Snr and Jnr were my favourite characters. Not because i'm bias, because i believed the characters they were playing. They made me feel what they were feeling. Even though the story needs some tweaking in some areas but the characters made it work. Two of the most potential actors that will go far, Yazid and Mel, if only they believed more in themselves and continue doing what they do best, acting.

The supporting cast who stole the show, Mak Bedah a.k.a Dee (Nadira). Lolx

You should have heard the applause when she left the stage. *grinz

Overall its the best DT major production i've been to. I hope this is a step up for DT and that it will continue to grow =)

||:PreCiouS:||
6/21/2006 12:47:00 PM
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Saturday, June 17, 2006

I'm at work right now
A lovely Saturday afternoon and i'm at work
Reason being firstly, i felt like i had work that i have to finish and secondly i wanted to see my boss, hoping he would be around. Why? Cause i made a mega huge mistake and i need tell him before he finds out himself, blows his top and whatever else he can throw at me.

The only reason i did not tell him yesterday was because i only found out about my oversight and mistake i did when he had left for the day. I kept praying that perhaps my eyes was playing tricks on me, but alas i am as they put it 'screwed'.

I was so scared when i found out about the mistake that i felt like crying. But honesty is the best policy right? I know somehow it seems better standing infront of a firing squad awaiting my doom but to the boss i shall go and tell him my mistake.

In doing so i'll either 1) get a mega huge scolding 2) i'll get fired and get that mega huge scolding.

Ouh and incase you're wondering my boss is not in the office. Apparently i missed him cause i think he came in early in the morning and left some work for me to do on my desk.

So i have to wait till Monday for Judgement day. yayness.

I so want to get this over and done with cause i dont think my heart and mind cant take this any longer than it should. I cant stop thinking about this and how i am so stupid enough to make such a mistake. I'm truly dissapointed with myself no matter how many times my friends keep telling me its all going to turn out ok. Can you believe it i even dreamt about this situation last night!?

argh this job is going to be the death of me. The frequent 3am jolts from slumber every night. I wonder why did i ever go back on my word to myself that i'll never work in a law firm?

oh yea.. i needed the money. And broke people cant be choosy.

But funnily enough, looking at the bright side of things, this incident is teaching me about responsiblities. Owning up to ones' mistake. Hopefully this will make me a stronger person inside and not the kind of person who feels like crying everytime something bad happens.

Some days i sometimes feel like quiting, but i keep telling myself i'm not a quitter. The job simply drains me. My boss 'kanchong'-ness, the way he stresses me to perform above average.. its making me feel stress, and constanly makes me feel inadequate.

I know i'm better than this. The thing is, what is missing from this job is passion. I do not possess passion in doing what i do at work everyday. My mum used to say that without passion even how careful you are in your work there are bound to be the smallest mistake that you will miss.

I'm starting to think she is right.

I dont like doing what i do now.
I want and need to do something i enjoy. Something i look forward to everyday and not be bothered when i have to stay on late just to get that work done.

I miss having passion for something. I miss doing something because i enjoy it. Life without passion is like not living at all.

so what do i do now?

I still need to find what i want out of life.

Maybe i've already found what i have passion for, what i wont mind doing for the rest of my life but only to let it pass me by because of my insecurities, inadequacies in various aspects of myself. And maybe i have yet to find what i'm looking for.

More than ever right now, i miss school. I miss my friends, i miss the carefree days when no matter how bad a situation i'll be in, i know i have support from my friends who will be there and the strength it gives me to overcome anything.

to my friends who posted. Thank you for your encouragement.
I miss you guys a damn lot. =)

||:PreCiouS:||
6/17/2006 02:34:00 PM
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

WEDNESDAY 0910HRS

It has been 3 weeks and 3 days since I’ve started working at this firm and I’m seriously tired. Not that I’m really complaining about the work since i learn things fast and there’s still things that needs some getting used to. But sometimes I wonder what in the world I’ve gotten myself into?? Everyday I work beyond office hours and most of the time I’m the one who locks up the office at night. (and no there’s no such thing as overtime pay..) I try my best to be conscientious and not make stupid mistakes but heck I’m human. But I’m starting to think my boss thinks I’m a robot. His expectation of me is killing me little by little each day. Nowadays I keep second guessing myself, check my work thrice and sometimes after a long day in the office and finally falling asleep usually after midnight, I’m jolt awake at 3am in the morning thinking I’m either 1) late for work 2) forgot to do something in the office 3) I made a mistake in one of my work and I’m gonna get scolded the next day at work for overlooking something so simple.

And as hard as I work slaving away in the office, my boss still expects more.
I even get subtle hints that I should come down to the office on weekends to do work. I wouldn’t even be surprised if my boss still isn’t happy if I actually died at my workstation of exhaustion.

I’ve been at my breaking points so many times and reeled in my emotions accordingly that my system is going into overdrive. I feel like I’ve worked for 3 years instead of 3 months without a break.

I don’t like this expectation my boss has towards me.
If he wants a robot he should have built one instead of hiring me.

Work doesn’t seem all as it is cut out to be but then that’s the reality of it isn’t it? I suppose I just got to suck it up, take all the blows that is thrown my way and move forward. Hopefully it will make me stronger. I’m still counting the days when I can go back to studying. But for now I need the money to support myself and my family. Even if the job has a lack of benefits.

Well today I’m taking a half day off work. The only reason it’s half day because when I started to ask for leave my boss gave me this “you’ve got to be kidding” look before I assured him I’ll be in the office in the morning.

The reason I’m taking half day off is because I have two appointments at the hospital. Physiotherapy at 1pm and an injection to my spine at 3pm.

And the latter sounds damn scary.

If I’m not mistaken and have not misheard the doctor, I’m having a facet injection to my lower back. And seriously I’m scared. Mostly the pain I’ll be experiencing when the needle is inserted into my back.
And with this fear I have fresh in my mind of what is going to happen this afternoon, I find two files on my desk with the words ‘disappointing’ on the front, just because I got the month of a letter I typed wrong. I know its my fault due to an oversight on my part for not noticing that the month was wrong, but still. Even the breakfast I bought now is lying underneath my desk because I lost my appetite, even tho I have not eaten dinner yesterday. I just love the scoldings I get early in the morning. Best way to start a day I guess. And I bet when the boss gets in, which i think might be as soon as I’m done with this entry, I’m gonna get one of his lovely shoutings at me for being careless and that he had expected much more from me blahblahblah.

Sure sometimes I just feel like saying something back to my boss or some sort of defending myself and try to make him understand my position, but I’m scared that this façade that everything is ok and that I’m strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown at me will break and It scares me that I’ll end up breaking down in front of him. *shudders* I cannot allow myself to breakdown again. I just cant. Furthermore I’m not really the kind of person who voices out problems to the actual problem. Lolx.

On the lighter side of life, I’m beginning to think my boss resembles ‘The Beast’ from X-Men III. Just because their facial expression are similar. It actually came to mind when I was queuing up at the post office buying stamps and they were showing repeats of the X-Men III trailer. Lolx.

And dee I miss you. Lunch is a bore and I tend to either eat at Macs or takeaway and eat in the office which equals to more work. Anyhoo all the best for Dreamscape!

1050hrs

The boss has not stepped in yet.

I now have a headache especially the spot between my eyes and my eyes are so tired that its actually half closed as I’m typing this down.

My facet injection is in 4 hours and 10 mins and of that 2 hours before the jab I cannot consume food and I have not eaten since lunch yesterday, and my breakfast is already cold under my desk.

I swear I’m losing weight since I started this job. Like I need to get any thinner. Bleargh.

Anyways I need to de-stress, and me friends we need to go out cos If not the walls of the office and of my home is the only things I’ll see for the rest of my working life.

Naz, Candy, Marcus, Lingna, Yolie, the guys who are not in NS yet, if you guys are reading this.. Are you guys free on Sat? Tania’s off on Sat so we can go out and catch a movie or something. Please let me know okie doks.

||:PreCiouS:||
6/14/2006 11:03:00 AM
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Sunday, June 04, 2006

Random Reflections

I was sitting at the bus stop in town this afternoon when this thought crept to my mind. My whole life i kept trying to be normal. For every little thing that people found different about me, i was constantly being laughed at. Too thin, too lanky, too tall, I walk different, talk different, act different and things i thought looked good or i thought was perfectly normal was being pointed at as being strange/wierd. Honestly i became a totally different person. I stopped being loud and carefree. I became withdrawn and quiet. Whatever potential i seemed to had died with me when the laughter became unbearable.

As i grew older nothing much really changed cept for my constant observation of my surroundings and thinking how i could blend in instead of people staring at me and looking me up and down which is downright uncomfortable.

Now? Well i've begun to accept that being different aint all that bad. Be more appreciative with what god gave me and learn to cope/live with my flaws. So what if the person next to me is preetier/smarter/more beautiful/talented/luckier in everything as compared to me?
So now and then i might get a teenyweeny jealous but doesnt everybody? lolx. but i've learned to love myself and that is what matters. =)

I dont know why i continue to read romance & romance-thriller/mystery novels when at the end of reading every single novel that i pick up, i'll end up rolling my eyes and tell myself its all pure BS. geez.
That kind of love you read in books are not real. or maybe it is cept that i've never encountered it before *shrugs* but for now i'll label it as pure BS. I'll let you know when i change my mind.
but i still pick up those books to read just for the hell of it. (FYI - i'm not talking abt those paperback novels with those half naked photos of two people on the covers; the kind that daph reads during lectures lolx)
Perhaps there's a side of me that secretly hope that that kind of love does exist in this world and it might someday happen to me. But there is still that sarcastic side of me that knows that it just doesnt exist. Just take a look at the increasing divorce rates. tsk.

Anyways tomorrow will be the start of week two of work. So far week one has been eye opening and my brain is currently saturated with procedures and things that need to be done. But i can say that work so far has been good. My colleagues has somewhat made work tolerable with their constant office gossip even tho the office IS small. tsk when one is away on leave the gossip on the person starts. tsktsk. lolx

My work cubicle is horribly small but i've learnt to tolerate it. It needs a personal touch of me here and there but i guess i'll only start to do that when i feel things are becoming permanent. Tomorrow a new girl is coming in and goodbye to the extra space i've been using.

The past few days have been filet o fish lunches and going home late even tho there is no overtime pay. Filet o fish lunches just becos its the easiest thing i can grab and feel comfortable eating alone at the moment. Going home late, only becos i have no other place to go except to go home at the end of the day. So i usually prolong my hours just to kill time and catch up on work. What's the use in going home early when there's nothing to look forward to when one reaches home except to go to bed?

Graduation on thursday!!!! ouuh i cant wait! booyah!
I cant wait to see all the faces i've missed seeing since school ended. sighsighsigh
I still have not decided what to wear but i am so not wearing court shoes. Why start wearing now when i've never owned one in the first place. rules shmules. If they dont let me get my diploma on that day i can always get it another day. All i'm looking forward to is seeing all the ol faces i havent been seeing, catching up and dinner witht the usual peeps before some of the guys go to tekong the next day.

ouh and before i end off my entry, wishing all the best to the new law inc exco 06/07. Tho i'm not sure what has been goin on but i read that there had been a reshuffle of numbers in the number of people in different years which i think is for the best.
I know you guys will do a splendid job for this academic year seeing that the school calender is now back to normal. Best wishes and dont be a stranger if you need any help aite =)

aite i'm replying to my tags:

sash - love you too gerl! *hugs*

nadz- heyhey! *waves back* long time no hear too! how you've been? i've just started working and so far so good but its so much different to when i was at drew lolx.

K - thanks for the reccomendation babe =)

deedee- ouh somebody starting work tomorrow! heehee of course i'll see you then!

mx - i'm sure mx, i have no doubt you can consume all that under a few minutes lolx

||:PreCiouS:||
6/04/2006 10:43:00 PM
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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Friday, June 23, 2006

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Sunday, June 04, 2006

.The Writer.

.Through Their Eyes.

.Archive.

.ShoutOuts.

.Reading.

.In My iPod.

.contactez-moi.