Saturday, June 17, 2006

I'm at work right now
A lovely Saturday afternoon and i'm at work
Reason being firstly, i felt like i had work that i have to finish and secondly i wanted to see my boss, hoping he would be around. Why? Cause i made a mega huge mistake and i need tell him before he finds out himself, blows his top and whatever else he can throw at me.

The only reason i did not tell him yesterday was because i only found out about my oversight and mistake i did when he had left for the day. I kept praying that perhaps my eyes was playing tricks on me, but alas i am as they put it 'screwed'.

I was so scared when i found out about the mistake that i felt like crying. But honesty is the best policy right? I know somehow it seems better standing infront of a firing squad awaiting my doom but to the boss i shall go and tell him my mistake.

In doing so i'll either 1) get a mega huge scolding 2) i'll get fired and get that mega huge scolding.

Ouh and incase you're wondering my boss is not in the office. Apparently i missed him cause i think he came in early in the morning and left some work for me to do on my desk.

So i have to wait till Monday for Judgement day. yayness.

I so want to get this over and done with cause i dont think my heart and mind cant take this any longer than it should. I cant stop thinking about this and how i am so stupid enough to make such a mistake. I'm truly dissapointed with myself no matter how many times my friends keep telling me its all going to turn out ok. Can you believe it i even dreamt about this situation last night!?

argh this job is going to be the death of me. The frequent 3am jolts from slumber every night. I wonder why did i ever go back on my word to myself that i'll never work in a law firm?

oh yea.. i needed the money. And broke people cant be choosy.

But funnily enough, looking at the bright side of things, this incident is teaching me about responsiblities. Owning up to ones' mistake. Hopefully this will make me a stronger person inside and not the kind of person who feels like crying everytime something bad happens.

Some days i sometimes feel like quiting, but i keep telling myself i'm not a quitter. The job simply drains me. My boss 'kanchong'-ness, the way he stresses me to perform above average.. its making me feel stress, and constanly makes me feel inadequate.

I know i'm better than this. The thing is, what is missing from this job is passion. I do not possess passion in doing what i do at work everyday. My mum used to say that without passion even how careful you are in your work there are bound to be the smallest mistake that you will miss.

I'm starting to think she is right.

I dont like doing what i do now.
I want and need to do something i enjoy. Something i look forward to everyday and not be bothered when i have to stay on late just to get that work done.

I miss having passion for something. I miss doing something because i enjoy it. Life without passion is like not living at all.

so what do i do now?

I still need to find what i want out of life.

Maybe i've already found what i have passion for, what i wont mind doing for the rest of my life but only to let it pass me by because of my insecurities, inadequacies in various aspects of myself. And maybe i have yet to find what i'm looking for.

More than ever right now, i miss school. I miss my friends, i miss the carefree days when no matter how bad a situation i'll be in, i know i have support from my friends who will be there and the strength it gives me to overcome anything.

to my friends who posted. Thank you for your encouragement.
I miss you guys a damn lot. =)

||:PreCiouS:||
6/17/2006 02:34:00 PM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.