Wednesday, June 14, 2006

WEDNESDAY 0910HRS

It has been 3 weeks and 3 days since I’ve started working at this firm and I’m seriously tired. Not that I’m really complaining about the work since i learn things fast and there’s still things that needs some getting used to. But sometimes I wonder what in the world I’ve gotten myself into?? Everyday I work beyond office hours and most of the time I’m the one who locks up the office at night. (and no there’s no such thing as overtime pay..) I try my best to be conscientious and not make stupid mistakes but heck I’m human. But I’m starting to think my boss thinks I’m a robot. His expectation of me is killing me little by little each day. Nowadays I keep second guessing myself, check my work thrice and sometimes after a long day in the office and finally falling asleep usually after midnight, I’m jolt awake at 3am in the morning thinking I’m either 1) late for work 2) forgot to do something in the office 3) I made a mistake in one of my work and I’m gonna get scolded the next day at work for overlooking something so simple.

And as hard as I work slaving away in the office, my boss still expects more.
I even get subtle hints that I should come down to the office on weekends to do work. I wouldn’t even be surprised if my boss still isn’t happy if I actually died at my workstation of exhaustion.

I’ve been at my breaking points so many times and reeled in my emotions accordingly that my system is going into overdrive. I feel like I’ve worked for 3 years instead of 3 months without a break.

I don’t like this expectation my boss has towards me.
If he wants a robot he should have built one instead of hiring me.

Work doesn’t seem all as it is cut out to be but then that’s the reality of it isn’t it? I suppose I just got to suck it up, take all the blows that is thrown my way and move forward. Hopefully it will make me stronger. I’m still counting the days when I can go back to studying. But for now I need the money to support myself and my family. Even if the job has a lack of benefits.

Well today I’m taking a half day off work. The only reason it’s half day because when I started to ask for leave my boss gave me this “you’ve got to be kidding” look before I assured him I’ll be in the office in the morning.

The reason I’m taking half day off is because I have two appointments at the hospital. Physiotherapy at 1pm and an injection to my spine at 3pm.

And the latter sounds damn scary.

If I’m not mistaken and have not misheard the doctor, I’m having a facet injection to my lower back. And seriously I’m scared. Mostly the pain I’ll be experiencing when the needle is inserted into my back.
And with this fear I have fresh in my mind of what is going to happen this afternoon, I find two files on my desk with the words ‘disappointing’ on the front, just because I got the month of a letter I typed wrong. I know its my fault due to an oversight on my part for not noticing that the month was wrong, but still. Even the breakfast I bought now is lying underneath my desk because I lost my appetite, even tho I have not eaten dinner yesterday. I just love the scoldings I get early in the morning. Best way to start a day I guess. And I bet when the boss gets in, which i think might be as soon as I’m done with this entry, I’m gonna get one of his lovely shoutings at me for being careless and that he had expected much more from me blahblahblah.

Sure sometimes I just feel like saying something back to my boss or some sort of defending myself and try to make him understand my position, but I’m scared that this façade that everything is ok and that I’m strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown at me will break and It scares me that I’ll end up breaking down in front of him. *shudders* I cannot allow myself to breakdown again. I just cant. Furthermore I’m not really the kind of person who voices out problems to the actual problem. Lolx.

On the lighter side of life, I’m beginning to think my boss resembles ‘The Beast’ from X-Men III. Just because their facial expression are similar. It actually came to mind when I was queuing up at the post office buying stamps and they were showing repeats of the X-Men III trailer. Lolx.

And dee I miss you. Lunch is a bore and I tend to either eat at Macs or takeaway and eat in the office which equals to more work. Anyhoo all the best for Dreamscape!

1050hrs

The boss has not stepped in yet.

I now have a headache especially the spot between my eyes and my eyes are so tired that its actually half closed as I’m typing this down.

My facet injection is in 4 hours and 10 mins and of that 2 hours before the jab I cannot consume food and I have not eaten since lunch yesterday, and my breakfast is already cold under my desk.

I swear I’m losing weight since I started this job. Like I need to get any thinner. Bleargh.

Anyways I need to de-stress, and me friends we need to go out cos If not the walls of the office and of my home is the only things I’ll see for the rest of my working life.

Naz, Candy, Marcus, Lingna, Yolie, the guys who are not in NS yet, if you guys are reading this.. Are you guys free on Sat? Tania’s off on Sat so we can go out and catch a movie or something. Please let me know okie doks.

||:PreCiouS:||
6/14/2006 11:03:00 AM
||||

.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.