Saturday, July 15, 2006

As i stand underneath the shower every morning and run my fingers through my hair, it stills wierds me out on how short it is. The best part of all this is that i now spend half the normal time i usually do in the showers lolx.

This week has definitely been a week of change, madness and spontaenous activities. I feel like nothing is going to stop me from trying out new things and feeling so carefree that i feel dizzy from all that has been going on. Chopping off my locks, piercing my ears, buying shoes i know that will somehow end up in storage with the lack of occasions to wear, one would think i was drunk and had lost my mind. And now being broke and unemployed (not counting my part time gig at the firm) i wonder what holds for me these few weeks down the road. I dont even dare to think so far ahead.

I like this new feeling i have, daring to try new things, daring to be different and i dont mind the feeling of being unafraid of anything and walking with my head held up high and knowing that people notice but deep down i'm still afraid. It is not something I'd like to admit to the world but here i feel like i can say anything and be damned what people think.

To some of you it might sound kind of pathetic/strange/whateveryounameit on how i feel safer behind a computer screen being honest with my feelings instead of real flesh and blood. *shrugs* I guess its the looks in people's eyes that i see that stops me from saying more, saying anything. Through experience I''m quite good at recognizing vibes i get from people and my prediction are usually on the spot. Sure i long for that one person who'll just listen to me and not judge, listen and be there for me no matter how ridiculous i sound because that person knows me. But wanting that is just like wishing you were living in a fairytale. But funnily enough, the ironic thing is that here people actually read what you type even if they disagree with what you think or just plain curious to know what goes on in your life. Sure readers might judge what you type but no one is forcing them to feel anything. I don force you to read what i type, I dont force you to agree/disagree with me, i dont force you to feel anything towards me. But still i see my blog counter rise even thou i know its not by the hundreds that other blogs get. Heck i'm even surprise people are actually reading this. Even so, it gives my mind some comfort cause i have an outlet for my thoughts, i would have ended up in a psych ward if i didnt. Behind a screen you dont look back at eyes, eyes that judge you, eyes that tells you alot on what people are thinking, feeling.. Behind a screen you dont feel vibes that people throw at you. You dont get hurt. I know here hurtful words can be thrown at me when someone disagrees with me, hates my layout, the background music, hate me.. but there's nothing i can do about it cause those are just words. Words that i can laugh at because how ridiculous they sound, words from people who dont know me but are rattled enough to say something.

But all in all i thank god for the few close friends i have in my life. Those who has been there for me thru some of my worse days. Those who actually listens and tells me things straight and not blur the truth. =)

Enough of that and back to what i was talking about intitally. Everyday as i lie on my bed at night, i dream of what my life can be. Spreading my wings, moving out of the house to anywhere i want, the UK, the States, anywhere where i can learn, experience, feel and earn enough for myself and to send some home to the family. But that is only part of dreams that i have and deep down i know it would stay as that cause the ties of responsibilities i have and my conscience just does not allow me to do so, and not forgetting the lack of monetary funds. Even tho i've resigned from the first job i ever had because i did not want to get caught in a rut of regrets and what ifs, in the back of my mind i keep asking myself if what i did was right? Am i wrong to want to try out and learn something new, something that i have passion in that i wont mind staying back late after office hours because i enjoy what i'm doing? I seem to help wondering why i'm still in here in the state of nothingness?

No job interviews, nothing, na-da, zilch. Somehow it doesnt matter how educated i am as long as i have a couple years of job experience under my belt which i dont since i'm a fresh graduate, and somehow the vibe i seem to get is that fresh graduates are nothing. peanuts. so i wonder if fresh graduates are not given a chance where the heck am i gonna get what like '2 years job experience' under my belt and considering our country is an aging population, did i miss the memo that says " ignore the youth and those keen to learn", and the other one that goes, "employ more expats! They are sure nice to look at", ouh and one more, "speak mandarin or nothing"? sigh.. Should i go back to where doors are opened for me because of the diploma i possess or should i wait till what i know is right comes along?

Maybe i should just become a radio dj, sit behind a radio console, being able to be yourself, talk all you want, play great music, accompany lonely people who listen to the radio.. but then i prefer doing that in the olden days where radio djs are not that recognised, people dont really know what you like but only the sound of your voice which allows the listeners to run free with their imagination on what you look like and you dont need to be a public figure as what radio djs are now, you dont even need to look half as good as djs are nowadays cause only what you can bring to your audience that matters. oh well i guess that too will remain as a childhood dream.

anyways today i'm not going to let my mind wander off anymore. I have a birthday celebration to attend and i'm gonna focus on having fun with my friends and be in the moment.

Dearest Tania,

Happy 21st Birthday!

Love you babe! Thank you for being you and may the years to come bring you precious and wonderful memories. All the best in your future endeavours, keep shining and god bless. *hugs*

||:PreCiouS:||
7/15/2006 04:33:00 PM
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.The Writer.

I love standing in the rain, letting the feel of raindrops caress feverish skin, letting it wash away my thoughts, worries and pain. I love the feel of sand between my toes, the cool wind whispering in my ear, the soothing sound of the sea, the warmth of a hug. I love anything vintage, historical, mysterious and magical. I like to laugh, I like freedom and happiness, I like the idea of romance, being swept off my feet and happy endings. I currently have no idea where i'm going but i know i'll get where i'm suppose to be in due time. I want things i cant have, I dream of things that can never be but i'm too afraid to leave the things i'm familiar with even when i know i'm adaptable to change. I can be the person you love or hate, like or loath, admire or envy. I am not perfect,
I am just me.